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Did you hear the one about the Wallabies coach who was stuck in a lift for hours with Pauline Hanson and Jacqui Lambie?
A rescue team arrived and, knowing the hellish situation he was in, shouted down through the lift-well, “don’t worry Cheiks, we’ll have you out of there soon. We know you’ve got a match against the All Blacks to get to.”
To which Michael Cheika replied, “no hurry fellas, I’m happy to stay in here.”
Make no mistake, if the Wallabies make no Bledisloe Cup or Rugby Championship headway against the All Blacks this year it will not be Cheika’s fault. Australia’s rugby problems lie far deeper than anything he can potentially patch up over the course of a series.
It’s true that the world needs another New Zealand good/Australia bad rugby article as much as Copacabana beach needs more bodies washing up during the Olympics. But in the wake of a weekend where five Super Rugby sides were obliterated – two of them supposedly fighting for their play-off lives – it’s difficult to find something else to write about.
Those looking for scapegoats can point to Nigel Ah Wong; shelling the ball in the very first possession against the Blues and setting the tone for what was to follow.
But if the Blues again playing like a quality side was a mild surprise, what was totally surprising was the Brumbies’ sheer lack of intensity; no better illustrated by the Blues best player, Jerome Kaino, yellow carded with his side ahead by 14-7, returning to the field to find his side now up by 28-7. Get outta here!
One of those tries, the Blues’ third scored by Sam Prattley, was a superb ensemble effort, full of irresistible off-loading and support play. But as much as it stood out at the time, it was to become only one of many across the weekend from the New Zealand franchises.
It wasn’t all razzle-dazzle from the Blues either; the state of Scott Fardy evidence that they convincingly won the collision, and once the Blues figured out how best to defend the Brumbies lineout maul, the result was never in doubt.
The Blues’ recent improvement up front has also allowed Ihaia West to blossom in confidence to the point where is he cleverly varying his attack and punting long and hard on defence. It’s as if Beauden Barrett has phoned him to say, “don’t worry mate, I’m staying in Wellington, you’re all good up there.”
One of West’s kicks was from a penalty where, with little angle to work with, he peeled off over 50m, to win a lineout 5m out from the Brumbies line, from which captain James Parsons scored. A little while later in Brisbane, as if on cue, Nick Frisby tried the same thing for the Reds, but instead kicked the ball dead in goal; a recurring theme for Australian franchises this season.
If the Chiefs versus Reds match was ever a contest, it certainly wasn’t after 30 minutes, when Frisby and Jack Tuttle joined each other on the naughty chairs.
In real time it looked like Frisby had miraculously saved a try, but on replay the truth emerged; you simply can’t dislodge possession from a player by kicking him in the hand.
If the Reds coaching situation for 2017 has been finalised and, as reported, it involves one or both of the incumbents, then it might be time to reconsider. The Reds are building an appealing roster for next season; it is essential that they take advantage of this via the absolute best possible coaching appointment.
On this evidence however, we continue to see a side that has muddled defensive patterns and little idea how to run a straight-line attack. New flyhalf Duncan Paia’Aua stood flatter than Jake McIntyre, but his passing seems laboured, curiously like old-school, 1970’s rugby league.
A grossly undermanned Rebels facing a Crusaders side back at home after a loss, always had the feel of a potentially ugly evening. But however valid the excuses, coach Tony McGahan would surely have expected his players to commit and execute on the tackle far more willingly than they did. 32 tackles missed, 85 points conceded; that’s ugly.
Two record defeats in successive weeks is a tough pill to swallow for a Rebels team that has made some improvement this year, but again that just serves to highlight the gulf between the two conferences, particularly in player depth.
For trivia buffs, something to file away in your memory banks to impress your mates with in the future; mark down Jordy Reid as the only Super Rugby player to play flanker, lock and inside centre in successive matches. Although the way things are, perhaps wait until next week to see where else he pops up.
With the Brumbies opening the door for the Waratahs, and the Hurricanes also on thin play-off ice, it was no surprise that this high stakes match was a niggly, disjointed affair.
In the end, the Hurricanes owned slightly more of the good bits and, after falling behind early in the second half, never really looked like losing once Julian Savea rediscovered some of his old mojo and finished of a sweeping move.
Ironically, the Canes will derive far more benefit for the play-off matches ahead from their last two scrappy wins, than what the Chiefs and Crusaders will have got from this weekend. That said, composure under pressure remains a question mark; they stopped playing rugby far too early, and Dane Coles must realise that losing one’s rag is not a characteristic of great leaders.
The sound of the Hurricanes in their dressing room, enjoying a post-match sing-along with Ronan Keating, will not have made the Waratahs feel any better for their loss. They now travel to Auckland next week with their play-off destiny in the hands of the Brumbies.
The Force claimed bragging rights of sorts for the weekend, being the only Australian franchise not to lose to a New Zealand side. Although a 3-22 loss to the Stormers, in a week where they hogged the headlines for starting ‘mad-Monday’ two weeks early, is not really much to be proud of.
Certainly it was a week for family friction, with the HP sauce merchants Dane and Ross Haylett-Petty revisiting old arguments about who gets the top bunk, and Sydney Swan Keiran Jack jacking off his parents and vice versa in a nasty public spat about match-day ticket allocations.
All that was missing was Mitchell Johnson’s mum firing up.
The Cape Town Tangerines weren’t totally convincing in the wet but Robbie Fleck’s young side heads home with maximum points from their tour and an upwards trajectory towards the play-offs.
The low light for this match was the Fox Sports commentary team of Sean Maloney, Tim Horan and Stephen Hoiles, all of whom deserve naming and shaming for their collective reaction to Daniel du Plessis receiving a yellow card for taking Force winger Marcel Brache out in the air.
Hoiles has already proved this season that he lives under a rock, but fans reasonably expect better from Horan whose comment “if he’s looking at the ball it’s not foul play”, only marks him as ignorant of the law and well behind the times.
For those wishing to revisit this issue, and avail themselves of the actual law, try this recent article.
In the meantime gentlemen, no, players in the air do not “have to be prepared to be hit”. I’d suggest an urgent hook up this week with colleagues who handled similar instances far more professionally, and accurately, in Brisbane and Sydney.
Not to be left out of the party, the Highlanders, (perhaps shamed by being the only New Zealand team not to defeat an Australian side), gained possession from the kick off against the Jaguares, retained it through multiple phases, then injected Ben Smith across for a stunning opening try.
They would go on to score one better, superb running, passing and forward interplay putting Elliot Dixon over in the 31st minute, although they probably only came out even in the niggle stakes with their hosts.
Even the Jaguares mascot, nicely cleaned up after last weeks’ mud bath, seemed keen to fan the embers, taking inspiration from Nathan Grey and getting rather too close for comfort to tripping Lima Sopoaga. Somebody needs to tell these idiots to pull a jumper on, get on the official team sheet, or else get lost.
On the plus side, how good was the Estadio Jose Amalfitani stadium surface, recovering from the slop of last week to provide a credible surface for running rugby?
This match also threw up the funniest moment of the weekend, nosing out runner-up Kurtley Beale’s Peyronie’s disease tie. With vision showing Highlanders winger Patrick Osborne’s foot on the touchline in the act of scoring, referee Angus Gardner nearly choked on his whistle when he was instructed by TMO Santiago Borsani to award it.
What followed was Gardner expertly and sensitively twisting things back around so that the correct ‘no-try’ decision could be made, all the while keeping Borsani’s dignity intact. Delightful.
Other games over the weekend included the Lions accommodating the Kings 57-21, the Bulls beating the Sunwolves 50-3, and the Sharks edging the Cheetahs 26-10. But, in the overall scheme of things, nothing much to see here, move on.
Which brings us back around to the problem child that is Australian rugby.
After such a demoralising weekend, in the most simplistic of terms, there are four possible paths to take. One is for Australia to withdraw from the folly that is Super Rugby and focus instead on building a domestic competition centered in its traditional strongholds.
Proponents of this option can save their breath; the ARU has moved well past this and is not going back.
A second path suggests reducing the number of Super Rugby teams to better reflect the pool of available talent. Fairfax rugby writer Georgina Robinson accurately rejected this argument on the ABC’s ‘Offsiders’ on Sunday morning, stating that this would only shut off pathways for emerging players and push more talent overseas. Quite simply, this isn’t likely to happen either.
The third path is that currently being pursued by opposition leader Bill Shorten, fresh off an election loss by what will be seven or eight seats, with the second lowest primary vote in his party’s history. If Bill Pulver has half of Shorten’s chutzpah he will this week circle the country on a victory lap, the ‘emperor with no clothes’ convincing gullible fans that rugby has never been in better shape. I suspect that neither the fans nor Pulver are that stupid.
The final option is indeed simplistic, but without the luxury of waiting for the NRC pathway to develop and other aspects of the 2016 strategic plan to kick in, it is the only viable short-term strategy for Australian players to adopt.
Get harder, get fitter, get bolder and get better.