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Recently the crack Kiwi creators at Keebra Park High school released their proposed rules for a hybrid rugby code that combined the rules of union and league, a task often thought to be harder than Les Davidson and Buck Shelford competing in a MMA bout.
Whilst the rules show fair compromise of each code and address many of the mundane aspects of merging the codes; scrums, player numbers, onside etc.
However, they fail to deal with some of the more thorny issue that would need to be ironed out by William Web Ellis and the boys from the Georges hotel if a successful Rugby amalgam was ever to exist.
So here it is sports fans, the five most important issues that need to be addressed before we have a unified code of rugby.
1. Peter Fitzsimons
I want to like the bloke, I really do. He’s written some important books on Australian war history, is an impressive after dinner speaker, shows you can be tough without needing to communicate in a series of honks and grunts. He has even released his own comedy CD!
But… what on Earth is going on with the freakin’ bandana!?! Who do you think you think you are, Johnny Depp? Don Juan? Don’t you have a manager? Or a mirror? It’s not bohemian, not stylish and makes you look like an under 12’s pantomime character.
It’s bad enough you can’t talk about rugby league without referencing the ’89 Grand Final (twenty years and counting Fitzy) but rugby league officials will not go within Mark Tookey of negotiating with the IRB as long as you persist with this Spanish Galleon facade. Just cut it out of your game for all of us!
2. Spray Jackets
No I’m not talking about John Howard here, I’m talking about linesman. Touch judges. Second officials, whatever. The blokes who run up and down the sidelines with the flag and high knee action.
Do they deserve to, on a cold night, wear spray jackets as they do in rugby union, or tough it out with the ref and players like in league?
Hmmm surely a topic for debate. Having ‘walked the line’ for both codes I can say that you can get cold in a slow game and maybe this does hamper performance.
But personally I have never been a fan of the look, choosing mainly to win what little respect I had from the crowd (read very little during one game at Dapto Showground where I was continually swooped on by an irate plover) and tough it out with the guys on the field.
I propose a system whereby a touch judge may wear a full tracksuit on a cold evening, but for every dud call he is required to remove an article of clothing, surely a good incentive for him to keep an eye on the game when he’s running the stripe in Halifax or Dunedin!
3. Shorts
Or more importantly short pockets; do they have a place in 21st Century professional contact sport? Obviously rugby union shorts are made out of stronger material due to increased grabbing in line-outs, scrums, mauls etc whilst rugby league shorts are made of lighter material that can rip on occasion ala Wes ‘Banana Smuggler’ Naquima.
So, is it time to retire the pocket along with the cotton jersey? What goes into these pockets anyway except for the occasional mouthguard?
Again there are no easy answer to these questions but we don’t want a free for all out there in the sports brave new world. If someone can create a pair of shorts that won’t slide down your backside every tackle yet don’t feel like you’re running in a pair of cut off denim shorts, I’m sure the powers that be would be more than happy to compensate you.
Hopefully not with that Peter Fitsimons comedy CD though.
4. Past Bias
If the two rugby codes are to go ahead with the merge it will require the end of some fairly ingrained derogatory terms and unfair stereotypes.
For the 1895 gang, objects such as BMW’s, tweed jackets and private schools will all lose their hilarity on internet based forums.
Same for anything from team rugger (a term hereby condemned to the 20th century by law of New Rugby) who will be forbidden from any demeaning jokes involving whippets, flat caps, flannos and woodbines.
Trust me fans, it will be a brave new world. The term mungo will be classed as an error by spell check. Parramatta crowds will learn to sing the national anthem. Stockily built men around the world will rejoice in harmony and you will be able to walk into any pub in Australia (outside of Hobart before 10pm) and watch your favourite rugby game without having to worry what sport the on tap beer sponsors.
5. Garrick Morgan
Both union and league will agree to forever remove his stint at the South Queenslandd Crushers from all record books ala 1984. That is all.
Missing anything guys?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.