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I don’t expect I’ll ever grace the presence of Fox Sports commentator Greg Martin. But if I did, I’d give him the right-thumb cut-throat gesture. Nice and slow for good measure.
Martin reckons the haka affords the All Blacks an “unfair physical advantage” and wants to see it banned.
His argument: if the All Blacks didn’t haka, the Wallabies wouldn’t have gotten walloped 30-14 in their last Bledisloe outing. And so too for every other occasion the All Blacks have inflicted defeat on our trans-Tasman adversaries.
Martin is right on one count. The haka is a powerful motivating force derived from the depths of one’s belly. It is the platform for battle. The entrée before the main course, which for the All Blacks, invariably involves a tenderised wallaby, or some other hopping animal. Like a springbok.
Yet I suspect the ones who wince the most at Martin’s weak-kneed banter are the Australian warriors themselves, who in so far as I can tell, recognise the haka for what it is, the formal laying down of a challenge between two honourable, worthy foes.
The thing Martin misses most about the haka is this. The quality of response is as critical as the challenge. And unlike his childish whimper, the Wallabies I’ve witnessed man up and respectfully confront the haka face to face, eye to eye, man to man.
It is a confrontational challenge for a gladiatorial sport that has mutual benefits for all involved. A mentally sound competitor will absorb the challenge, channel it positively and offer it back with double measure. But an insecure little man like Martin runs promptly home to mummy, hides under her skirt and cuddles his favourite teddy.
Nay. Contrary to Martin’s argument, the traditional Maori challenge does as much for the Wallabies as it does the All Blacks.
The underlying reasons for defeat has nothing to do with pre-match formalities.
The focus of post-match Australian commentary is better spent analysing 80 minutes of rugby. Venturing outside of that scope reveals Martin’s lack of insight on what really matters.
And if he finds the mighty All Black haka so intimidating and unbearable, may I suggest he covers his eyes for the 30 odd seconds it takes to perform. Like my four-year-old daughter does on the scary parts – but never for the haka. Gosh, I bet even Martin’s missus and kids watch with eager anticipation.
So to Greg Martin. Harden up man. You’re a national embarrassment. Grow a pair and make a positive contribution to the world’s greatest game. Of which for New Zealanders, the haka is an integral part.
Just be thankful it’s not performed according to the Tuhoe tribe tradition. Naked.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.