AFL grand final day is the best day of the year by the length of the Flemington straight.
Unfortunately tickets to the big dance are bloody hard to procure as the AFL has turned the event into a corporate day where the little bloke struggles to get a seat.
Should you not snag a ticket or are unwilling to part with $1500 to enjoy a brekkie, bus and seat in the nosebleeds via a corporate package, with age and experience you can get your day right.
Let’s run through five non-negotiables that need to be sorted out well in advance of the 2.30pm bounce.
Reception
Should you host a big dance extravaganza in your digs your TV reception must be crystal clear. There is nothing more deflating than arriving at your venue of choice to find the host has a screen full of snow or the dreaded ‘No Signal’.
Thankfully, in these days of digital TV this is rarely an issue, however, should you be watching the game away from home base, it may pay to call ahead on Friday evening and make sure this potentially inflammatory issue has been put to bed.
As a tidbit, digital TV was invented by a bloke named Barry who had had a gutful of static reception in his shed.
Venue
Traditionally, grand finals are watched in sheds. Be it yours or otherwise, all contingencies must be catered for and the most important environmental issue is warmth.
Should you be heading to a brand new garage it is crucial that a) the freshly-installed pot belly stove is dry, the flue is leak-free and the wood is dry, or b) the gas heater has gas.
It’s going to be 24 in Melbourne on Saturday arvo, however with a chilly low of 10 degrees forecast (and an insane 4 in Ballarat), if your venue is not suitably heated, your arse will freeze in the evening session.
Food
There are many tiers of catering that may be considered suitable for grand final day. From roast meat on a spit to party pies, spring rolls and dimmies, after a number of cans it is important to remember that your guests will not care less what viddles they’re inhaling, just so long as it hasn’t gone near a microwave and there’s plenty of it.
Be sure to have plenty of gravy sauce, tomato sauce, BBQ sauce, chili sauce, etc on hand and have it all piping hot and ready for half time. There’s a good boy.
The ‘know-all’
You know who I’m talking about. The bloke who, judging by his fat arse, you are certain never played much footy himself but has an opinion on every player in the AFL. And he more than likely barracks for Richmond, so his knowledge of recent finals clashes is limited at best.
When even the hard-as-a-cat’s-head Luke Hodge puts his head over the ball, gets his head taken off, and receives a well-earned free kick this bloke will scream out “Weak as piss, Hodge!”
There are two ways to deal with this clown: a) don’t invite him, or b) have a ‘set play’ to turn on him en masse whenever he opens his mouth.
Do the latter and he’ll be keeping his ill-informed opinions to himself before the first goal sweep has been won.
Beverages
Reconnaissance should tell you whether the venue of choice has a gargantuan beer fridge that is calibrated to exactly 3 degrees celsius with a tolerance of no more than +/- 0.5 degrees. If this is not the case, it is imperative that your beer of choice be on ice a good 12-18 hours before arrival at the venue.
Remember that the beer is to be packed in the esky prior to any ice being added to the set-up and on the morning of the big day another bag of ice must be added to maintain a correct ‘beer comfort level’.
Always take more beer than you will need as you know there will be a tight arse who turns up with a handful of Cascade Lights that he will put in your esky but seems to be enjoying your James Squire.
With these simple suggestions, I assure you, you will not go wrong. Remember Kevin Sheedy’s salient seven P’s – ‘Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance’.
Olivia Newton-John will be banging out the national anthem this year. She’s no Julie but shut up and listen when she gets stuck into it. And have a great day!
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Kane learned the hard way that you NEVER switch the footy off!
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