Satire
24 Hour Party People was a great film, a post-modern classic that dared us to print the legend. 24 Hour Garage People was a great song, a mediation on the banality of late night petrol stations. Round 24 of the 2022 NRL was pretty decent too, though I might hold off on great.
Well, unless you’re a Broncos fan. “Falling down like sheets”, as a prominent Brisbane band might have put it, had they been writing about the edge defence and not the pre-summer precipiation in South East Queensland.
The rankings this week are fairly final, because we discuss the finals permutations at length. For all but the most optimistic Broncos fans, look away now…
Panthers are good. I’d write them into the Grand Final now if I could. The only thing that might hinder them is their ability to return their halves to top form in time, but given that the returning halfback is Nathan Cleary, I’m sure he’ll be fine.
Jarome Luai (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
Sharkies keep second place despite spluttering against the Bulldogs, though I don’t know that they are actually the best of the rest. On one hand, they haven’t actually done much to make themselves look like the second best side, but on the other, they win every game. Strange, isn’t it.
Their run-in has been softer than a Reece Walsh tackle attempt, and they’ll likely get a crack at the Cowboys from the comfy confines of Shark Park in week one, too. I reserve judgement.
The Roosters displace the Storm in the top three and, having seen Friday night’s clash, it’s not hard to understand why. This lot are legit.
My lingering concern is that we saw the best of them at the weekend with that four forward rotation and Daniel Tupou on the wing. Lindsay Collins might seem like the fourth of four props, but having all of them would have enabled a certain type of play that few teams can cope with.
Ditto Tupou: his set starts are vital and, if we’re being honest, it’s unlikely that Oliver Gildart will have the same effect. It might not matter though, because someone is going to have to beat them and that might be very hard until Grand Final day.
The Storm drop because they lost, but only drop one because realistically, how low can they go? As expected, they are back in form at the right time and on another day, might have won. They get our coveted good defeat points.
Melbourne, however, are in danger. I’m not taking them out of the top four quite yet, but I would doubt their ability to win from outside of it, which is not a fear I have for the Roosters or, to be honest, the Rabbitohs. Both have a UPS – unique playing style, keep up – that nobody else can deal with if they’re on a roll.
Melbourne, on the other hand, are more of a chameleon who will likely beat anyone not 100% at it, but will probably lose to the three with, to my mind at least, higher ceilings. (That might be four with Parramatta, though with them, who knows?)
Souths jump over the Cowboys because they just beat them, but also because I back them to go futher than North Queensland in the finals.
The Bunnies won despite not playing that well, which as we all know, is what good sides do. It’s the next evolution of a team that has a huge upside but often hasn’t reached it quite yet. Their worry has to be getting the Roosters in the finals as well as this Friday night, because I think they start as favourites against anyone else except them, the Panthers and Melbourne in Melbourne.
On that, though: Souths are still the sort of team where they could easily lose to all 8 teams. Their style necessitates them playing with more risk than most, and that’s why they’ll win and why they could lose. Away at Townsville won’t both them, but then, at home to the Raiders might.
For now, however, we’re only seeing the upside. They’re a threat.
I don’t really know what the Cowboys’ path is anymore. For me, they always needed a home final first up. Even if they win in week two, this path now likely sends them to Penrith in week three. They can’t win that.
Footy isn’t played on paper, of course, but the jury is very much still out on their credentials against the very top teams. The Panthers beat then, Souths beat them, the Roosters beat them twice. That win in Darwin over the Eels looks a long time ago now.
The press conference on Saturday gave off a strong vibe of a team that knew that they had to do things on their own terms. Now they don’t get to do that.
(Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
It’s been said a hundred times, but honestly: Parramatta can be anything. The way that they attacked against the Broncos was superb and makes you believe again. Yet we’ve all been burned so many times.
Their finals start this weekend against Melbourne. Win that and they get the second chance, a free hit out at Penrith and a guaranteed home final in week three and you can build a path to the Grand Final.
Lose and it’s likely an away game with one of the Roosters, who will be on the war path, or Souths, who they never beat. As much as coaches say they don’t care about where they land – Brad Arthur suggested as much this week – that’s the truth of it.
Canberra’s late season charge at the finals is music to the ears of those of us who saw them at $6+ about a month ago and piled on. That draw, man, that draw. It’s amazing how people think that the draw doesn’t matter, especially at the end of the year when 40% of the league has conclusively chucked it.
The Raiders aren’t a better side than the Broncos, and are nowhere near as good as the seven teams above them, but they will very likely get a crack at them nonetheless.
Look, there’s two potentially hilarious options: one, the Raiders lose to the Tigers and miss the finals completely (James Tamou last minute try) and Ricky blows up big time. The other is that Parra win and steal into the top four, thus consigning Melbourne to host the Raiders at home in week one. We all know how that ends.
The Broncos have to drop out of the P Ranks eight. They are now out of the actual 8, and with the Raiders only needing to beat the worst team in the competition to ensure their place, it seems unlikely that they will overtake them back into contention.
Most importantly, even if they did make it as far as the finals, they would be absolutely certain to depart in the first week, and probably by quite a lot.
There’s no shame in this. Despite much internet gibber about chucking the season, the Broncos should be happy with the progess that they have seen in 2022 and move onto next year with confidence.
They’re not as good as certain people thought they were – almost like they have a lot of fans and a lot of ex-players on the telly – and they’re not as bad as some would say now. They’re about the 9th best team in the league, or the 8th at a push. That’s fine.
Hudson Young scores. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
I didn’t see Manly this weekend, as I was at Newtown Jets, but let me say this: there’s no way that there isn’t a split in the camp. I expect a Mad Monday punch-up, followed by a good old-fashioned honesty session to kick off 2023. I don’t think they’ll sack Dessie, but at this stage, he’s got the job of his life on his hands to make anything of this bunch next year.
The Dogs lost again, and didn’t score, creating a lovely throwback to the Trent Barrett era. I didn’t see the game, because Newtown, as above – how RL hipster was your weekend? – so I will instead reflect on that golden period.
The Cup side featured Jayden Okunbor, Bailey Biondi-Odo, Brandon Wakeham, Ava Seumanufagai, Jackson Topine and Matt Doorey, all of whom Trent Barrett thought were first graders. They featured Politely, Topine might be. Ava went alright in the Super League, I suppose.
Paul Alamoti is good though.
Imagine getting your best performance of the year out Zac Lomax on the penultimate round of the season to squeak by the Wests Tigers.
Imagine having a full three more sin bins than any other team in 2022, costing a game and a half’s worth of 12 men (when you throw in last week’s red card) and probably missing the finals as a result.
Imagine the 12th of those being that Jack Bird spray at the ref on Sunday. Imagine sacking your assistants, your club ambassadors, the tea lady and the Steelers Leagues Club cat, but keeping on Jack de Belin.
Imagine that this will not change one iota next year.
(Photo by Matt King/Getty Images)
The Warriors lost to the Panthers, zero surprises there, and by quite a lot, which was also not surprising. They’re not as bad as Newcastle, I suppose, and nowhere near as bad as the Titans and Tigers, who are in negative territory, so remain in 13th.
The Knights remain above the Titans, but for no real reason. They’re all rubbish. Dom Young, I love you, but everyone else…I dunno. I just don’t see how things massively change so that they’re not also crap next year.
Last week, I wrote: “To win rugby league games, you have to tackle your opponents. The Gold Coast Titans can’t tackle, therefore rarely win games of rugby league. It has been this way for a long time and looks highly unlikely to change.”
This weekend, the Titans found a team ever more allergic to defence than they were, and thus won. Neither side covered themselves in glory.
The Tigers always find a way to make you laugh. I googled “Wests Tigers Banter Era” and there’s no news hit for it yet, so I include it now to stick my flag in the SEO turf. Long may it continue.
Fans were sceptical that Izaac Tu'itupou Thompson grounded this properly. How did you see it?
Channel Nine's Allana Ferguson and Billy Slater put Souths under the microscope after this lacklustre defensive effort. Penrith beat South Sydney 42-12.
If South Sydney had put up this much fight earlier in the season, Jason Demetriou might still be their coach. The Rabbitohs responded strongly…
Sunia Turuva scored the first try of the game for Penrith, and by the end of it he was setting them up with ease.
South Sydney copped their second binning of the game, with Jacob Host marched for this kicker contact.
Two horror moments were scrutinised by the Nine commentator with the Bunnies defending Dylan Edwards. The second one resulted in a Taylan May try.
