Looking back on the NRL season now the dust has settled and Penrith’s glory run has reached dynasty status with a third straight title, we alleged NRL experts like to pore over every last detail with forensic analysis.
But that’s not as much fun as summing up each team’s season with an old quote from The Simpsons.
And for anyone wondering, this alleged expert hack is using old-school Simpsons only – back when you could get each season in box sets with a character’s head as the DVD case.
If you don’t know what DVDs are, you should probably stop reading now. Or as Principal Skinner would say: “Am I so out of touch? No. It’s the children who are wrong.”
Penrith: “There’s only one thing to do at a moment like this – strut.” Like Bart when he scores a date with Jessica Lovejoy, it is hard for the Panthers to be anything but on top of the world right now.
For a club that had won two premierships in their first half-century, to win three straight titles is transformative. Like the Eels in the 1980s, the last team which won a hat-trick, the Panthers will have a generation of fans following them into the next few decades while they have supplanted Parramatta and Canterbury as western Sydney’s powerhouse club.
Brisbane: “Second comes right after first.” There’s plenty of Buzz Aldrin about the Broncos. They’re trying to be happy about their rise from the depths of the wooden spoon in 2020 to making the Grand Final.
But after losing the unloseable decider when they gave up a 16-point lead heading into the final 20 minutes a hollow feeling prevails from letting the trophy slip through their grasp.
There’s plenty of upside in their young squad and they have the potential to be like the Bulldogs were to the Eels of the 1980s and disrupt their dynasty.
Storm: “Because he gets results, you stupid chief!” Homer shouldn’t have to yell this out loud but whatever you think of Craig Bellamy’s methods, you can’t doubt his ability to get the best out of his roster.
Melbourne took a massive hit heading into this season with the collective loss of Brandon Smith, Jesse and Kenny Bromwich, and Felise Kaufusi, but despite not replacing them with top-line talent, Bellamy still managed to get his side into third spot before they proved no match for Brisbane or Penrith.
Warriors: “Everything’s coming up Milhouse.” The flood of victories from the Warriors caught plenty of experts with their pants down.
New coach Andrew Webster was the Milhouse to Cameron Ciraldo’s Bart when it came to Panthers assistant coaches who were going to revive their new teams in 2023 but while the Bulldogs lacked bite, he managed to turn a solid but not spectacular roster into a spectacular attacking unit with solid defence.
Knights: “You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.” Newcastle defied doubters like Lyle Lanley to show their multimillion-dollar investment in Kalyn Ponga was worth every cent.
Many an eyebrow was raised last year when the club extended him long term and it looked like it could be a disaster after an off-field incident and a season ruined by repeated concussions.
But after a brief stint at five-eighth, he got the Knights back on the rails with blistering form at fullback to win the Dally M and, by gum, put the town back on the map.
Roosters: “Me, fail English? That’s unpossible.” Like Ralph Wiggum at examination time, it was hard to comprehend the Roosters being anything less than top of the class but all year long they struggled to put it together.
After the Origin period it looked like they’d finish as low as 14th but a late surge not only got them into the finals but into the second round after edging out the Sharks.
They are trying to rebuild while remaining a contender and like Ralph and the second-grade curriculum, they are not passing the test.
Sharks: “You don’t win friends with salad.” This song is not just catchy but true, in all walks of life, particularly on a rugby league field.
Cronulla play a style that is effective in racking up regular-season wins but lacks flavour, spice, dressing (whichever salad analogy you can think of) in the finals – they’ve now lost their past six playoff matches stretching back to 2018.
Raiders: “I never apologise … I’m sorry but that’s the way I am.” Like Homer, Ricky Stuart has a tendency to act before he thinks, particularly at a post-match media conference.
Canberra have hitched their wagon to their club legend but despite his claims that they were top-four material, they always appeared to be making up the numbers in the top eight with their dreadful for-and-against record suggesting they wouldn’t do any damage in the finals, and so it turned out.
Rabbitohs: “Nothing could possibli go wrong.” Leading the comp after Round 11, Souths looked like the team most likely to challenge Penrith’s stranglehold at the top.
But on the back of injuries, suspensions and patchy form, they imploded like Itchy and Scratchy Land to finish ninth when they should have been top-four certainties with their stacked roster.
Eels: “Oh, meltdown. It’s one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.” Mr Burns would downplay Parramatta’s fall from runners-up to 10th but it’s hard to see the Eels becoming genuine title contenders again next year.
They have an ageing roster and the departure of several key players like Reed Mahoney, Isaiah Papali’i and Marate Niukore this season put too much on the shoulders of Mitch Moses, Clint Gutherson and Junior Paulo.
Cowboys: “I move for a bad court thingy.” North Queensland coach Todd Payten will be hoping this season was the anomaly and not 2022 when they rocketed up the ladder to just miss out on the Grand Final.
They have plenty of power up front, point-scoring ability out wide and a clever spine but they never quite got in synch this season as injuries and suspensions held them back.
Sea Eagles: “It’s lame to be proud of being lame.” Manly’s identity is to be the team that other clubs love to hate. There seemed a general acceptance at the club this year under Anthony Seibold of their fate.
Mid-table mediocrity is not enough on the Northern Beaches, especially after an off-season in which they punted a beloved club legend in Des Hasler from the coaching gig.
Seibold’s fortunes nosedived on the back of Tom Trbojevic’s latest injury setback but he needs a better season irrespective of how many matche he gets from his star fullback to silence the doubters.
Dolphins: “Hmm. Bottlenose bruises, blowhole burns, flipper-prints. This looks like the work of rowdy teens.” The Dolphins were supposed to be the whipping boys of the NRL in year one but in the first few months of the season, just like Chief Wiggum in the old-school Treehouse of Horror episode, opposing coaches were at a loss to explain their killer form.
They showed they are not the clowns of the sea in year one and with Herbie Farnworth, Tom Flegler, Keenan Palasia and Jake Averillo coming on board, as the old sea captain warned – the Dolphins are upon us.
Titans: “It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.” Justin Holbrook was under the impression that club management thought he was doing a decent enough job.
And then in the most clinical of coaching culls in recent memory, he was gone and Des Hasler was announced as his 2024 replacement within a matter of hours midway through the season.
There’s enough talent on the Titans roster but getting the right playmaker to lead them around the park remains the club’s biggest problem.
Bulldogs: “Good practice, kids. Now it’s time for the easiest part of any coach’s job. The cuts. Although I wasn’t able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you’re gone. Steven, I like your hussle. That’s why it was so hard to cut you. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! Except you, you and you.” Canterbury say they are strengthening their roster by only retaining the players who are prepared to do the hardest of hard yards to fit in with their famed tough as nails culture.
It’s been a lengthy line of players who have been released early from their contracts or who have seen the writing on the wall and left the kennel in recent years.
Some big Dogs have been brought in to bolster the club’s mongrel pedigree but fans are sick of hearing a lot of off-field talk and seeing little on-field change.
Dragons: “I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” Bart would have been highly unimpressed with St George Illawarra’s season which was terrible from the get-go and became only slightly less so once Anthony Griffin was given his marching orders in May.
The circus surrounding captain Ben Hunt’s repeated requests for a release is ongoing and new coach Shane Flanagan has a rebuild on his hands just as big as the mission he faced at Cronulla to get the club out the other side of the peptides scandal a decade ago.
Tigers: “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.” Homer’s advice is probably not what Wests Tigers fans want to hear. They thought they would at least improve this year with Tim Sheens returning to the helm and a bunch of stars headlined by Api Koroisau coming on board.
But after another wooden spoon season, the Benji Marshall coaching experiment has been fast-tracked by 12 months and he will work overtime to revive the club he loves but you get the feeling that the Tigers’ problems go well beyond, and above, the person in the coach’s box.
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