Watch what happens when an AFL writer with as much knowledge of the 2016 AFL Draft as a five year old sits down and watches it all unfold, pick by pick by bloody pick.

6:25PM (Eastern Standard Time) – Alright 2016 AFL Draft, show me what you’ve got. You’re in Sydney this year, which makes sense because Sydney is the AFL’s new centre of gravity.

All the talk in the lead up has centred on who will Essendon take with the number one pick – their first ever first pick – and how many quasi-legal academy prospects will the GWS Giants be able to select with their bounty of fourth round picks. Coverage of this this has surged past saturation stage this year, leading to the commissioning of scorching hot takes like this.

Essendon hope to walk away from the #AFLDraft with the next Luke Hodge or Chris Judd in the player it takes at No.1 https://t.co/xXImBSnV2w pic.twitter.com/3TkZbSRAHU

— SuperFooty (AFL) (@superfooty) November 24, 2016

Good one guys. The mock drafts have been mocked, the ridiculous comparisons to current players made. Let’s do this.

6:30PM – Brent Harvey gets the gig narrating the introductory tape this season – lightyears ahead of Jonathon Brown’s performance last year. Harvey’s talking about the job being done, the torture, the opportunities.

“Your dream, starts now.” Yep, it’s draft night.

Host Jason Dunstall passes his first Test – getting through the opening lines on academy bidding without a single stumble. He introduces the panel – smiling Brad Johnson is smiling, smiling Kane Cornes is smiling, and Michael Ablett, who replaces draft doyen Kevin Sheahan, is also smiling.

It emerges pretty early on that the panel are not only talking to the viewers at home – their thoughts are being broadcast in the venue itself. That’s sure to go well.

Johnson and Ablett disagree on who should go number one; Johnson picks Andrew McGrath, whom Ablett disagrees with immediately – “I think it’s pretty clear it’s Hugh McLuggage”. Dunstall lets the audience know Ablett is an Essendon supporter. It’s a mozz then surely.

6:38PM – Dunstall throws to a pre-recorded explainer on the bidding system, reminding the viewers that he’s got no idea how it actually works. Not sure there’s much value in this – everyone watching is paying for Fox Footy in their pay TV subscription so you’d think they’re OK.

And there’s our first mention of GWS’ bounty of picks. The Giants table listen in intently; Ablett says they’re in a fantastic position. The audible booing of the crowd has been silenced by the AFL, who turn off the crowd mics. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming happened.

Ok, let’s get to the picks.

6:42PM – Caleb Daniel gets a mention, and a nice little (no pun intended) highlights package, as the panel remind everyone that not all picks are created equal. Just prior, a graphic is flashed up that shows the Dogs have got 128 games out of players they took in the 2014 and 2015 National Drafts, 12.8x as many as North Melbourne. Yikes.

6:46PM – Sam Petrevski-Seton has a nice story. He grew up in the remote Kimberley in regional Western Australia, travelled down to Perth to go to school and play football, and he speaks glowingly about all of the places he’s been as a result of the AFL’s pathway programs. His highlight package is a cracker, too.

These little segments are cool, but surely it’s time to start picking.

6:48PM – “Some recruiters I’ve talked to have said this might be the best draft ever”. Drink.

6:50PM – Cornes describes McGrath as “a terrier”. Yep, McLuggage at one.

Dunstall starts throwing shade at Port Adelaide (they’ve fallen off a bit of late) and Gold Coast (there’s plenty of pressure on football in Queensland at the minute). They’re really reaching into the talking point bag of tricks, and we’re only 20 minutes into the broadcast.

Our first funny camera pan of the night is to Rodney Eade, who is staring at his shiny-looking iPhone 6s pressing the home button continuously seemingly trying to unlock the thing. He realises far too late that he missed step one – swipe to unlock.

…c’mon guys, let’s get to picking!

6:53PM – Wait, there’s a draft commentary team too? Ah, there’s Shifter Sheahan. Order has been restored. The always-excellent Sarah Jones asks him about Tim English, to which Sheahan replies “clubs don’t take ruckman high anymore, but this guy is definitely a first rounder”. Not quite an oxymoron, but pretty close.

Johnson drops the first “bolter” reference – GWS academy player Isaac Cumming, who only got the call to attend the draft in person yesterday (only 40-odd players get invited). Cornes, talking points still front of mind, chimes in with a “slider” reference. Drafts and clichés go hand in hand.

6:55PM – As we head to another break, Andrew McGrath’s Canadian heritage gets a run. I immediately hope he gets taken by the Giants at pick two so I can make a joke about GWS’ generous academy zone stretching to the Americas.

7:00PM – We’re back with the panel – with Sheahan having killed off Ablett in the ad break to take his place on the main stage – and the foursome debate who the Dons will take. They’re certain it’ll be McGrath of McLuggage. If only the picks would start so we can find out.

7:02PM – Hey hey! Anthony Hudson is on stage. He welcomes AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan, who emerges to a round of applause. C’mon guys, don’t you know how this works? You have to boo him. It’s standard protocol.

“On behalf of the AFL, I’d like to personally thank New South Wales Premier Mike Baird for helping us bring the 2016 NAB AFL Draft to Sydney (for handing us a bucket of cash)”.

As Gil congratulates Luke Beveridge and the Dogs on their premiership, there’s a spontaneous applause. Last year, when Gil congratulated the Hawks, the Adelaide crowd boo’d relentlessly. Maybe they’re going to be the lovable Doggies after all.

“And now, it is my job to take you through the rules of the draft”. Ugh. Let’s goooooooooooo.

Gil puts on Serious Gil face as he closes his address: “the expectations will be bigger than you anticipate. The training will be harder than you ever imagined. You will not get away with what you’ve got away with in the past”. Way to lift the room. He does finish by wishing them luck but wow, these guys are about to get paid to play football, not sent to prison.

7:10PM – The Dons are on the clock and the draft is underway. What’s the over/under on the number of seconds they take to submit their pick? I give them ten seconds – allowance for a slight pause for effect.

The pick is in, after 14 seconds. And it’s: Andrew McGrath! My dream has been dashed. That’s something of a surprise though, given all of the mail suggested Essendon would go with Mr McLuggage. The flow on effects of this could be significant – or not, I don’t really know, I’m a five year old when it comes to the draft remember.

Wow, before McGrath gets on stage, the Giants lock in their pick. Technically that means the Lions are now on the clock; let’s see if they pick before the two minutes is up.

McGrath presents well, in a similar manner to Jacob Weitering’s on stage debut last season. He’s built like he’ll be ready to go in Round 1, too. I guess it’s pretty hard to go wrong with the first pick these days, but on face value, the Dons have a good’un.

(I wonder if the Herald Sun thinks he’s a Luke Hodge? Or more a Chris Judd?)

7:12PM – Gil’s back to announce Pick Two. The Giants select Tim Taranto from the Sandringham Dragons. That’s a cracking name – the first caller to anoint him Quentin will own my heart forever.

I hope for Jeremy Cameron’s sake he likes camping.

@caruse18 draft someone that loves camping

— Jeremy Cameron (@Jezzacameron) November 25, 2016

Taranto is another surprise, given McLuggage wasn’t taken at one by the Dons. His highlight reel suggests he’ll be a flexible midfield-forward type, addressing one of the Giants’ two key long term needs.

It means the Brisbane Lions get to have a free hit at Jack Bowes if they want to be a bit cheeky, knowing they’ll either get him in the extremely unlikely event the Suns don’t match, or they get a consensus number one pick in McLuggage. Brisbane take nearly a full minute to lock in their pick…

7:14PM – The Lions aren’t in the mood to muck around; it’s Hugh McLuggage, who doesn’t look as stoked as you’d expect as he heads up to the stage. I might be reading into the awkward seating layout at the Horden Pavilion though.

Even I know McLuggage is pretty much a slam dunk, so I’m sure you do too. It’s a great outcome for the Lions and their new head coach Chris Fagan (who, unlike McLuggage, looks genuinely stoked to be handing over a Brisbane jumper). Ah, there it is, a bit of banter cracks the steeley gaze of the Victorian midfielder.

7:15PM – Gold Coast waste no time with pick four, selecting Ben Ainsworth. He averaged 22 touches and two goals in the TAC Cup – if he can get one of those two numbers in his first year for the Suns they will be very happy with their selection. Brad Johnson reckons Suns coach Eade – phone safely tucked away at his work station – will love coaching him. I’m not sure what that means, and Johnson doesn’t really elaborate, instead very obviously reading off the briefing notes prepared on the Gippsland product. Jeepers, he’s built too,

We’re moving at a mile a minute, with the Blues locking in pick five as Ainsworthy receives his jumper from Eade. Did the Carlton list management team manage to keep Stephen Silvagni away from the computer, lest he pick a delisted Giant? We’re about to find out.

7:18PM – BOOM! The Blues have bid on Giants’ academy player Will Setterfield. Hilarious. You couldn’t script this.

As quickly as the Blues put in Setterfield’s name into their system, the Giants match, and the Blues very quickly have their actual pick in the system. It means the Giants use picks 15 and 37 (the two picks that have been the subject of Lachie Whitfield-related sanction talk in recent weeks) to match the bid, and they receive pick 64 with the remaining draft points.

Setterfield’s stat line is immense: ten contested possessions, almost five clearances, a goal and a goal assist a game in the TAC Cup. Hoo boy. Brad Johnson, again very clearly reading from a page, sounds like he’s delivering a eulogy.

7:20PM – Carlton pick Petrevski-Seton, which looks to be a great pick. He’s the perfect player for where the Blues are at in their development; young, classy and with excellent skills by foot. I’m not even going to try and make a joke because I think this is going to work really well. Plus, the Suns have already made their pick…

7:21PM – The Suns are still leaving their man Bowes hanging, selecting Jack Scrimshaw at pick seven (with what was pick six coming into the draft). Scrimshaw makes it four players drafted with a connection to the Sandringham Dragons inside the top seven; BT will be insufferable next year.

Scrimshaw is a medium-tall defender, making him an interesting selection for the Suns given they were expected to take four midfielders with their bevvy of top ten picks. He must be really good.

He’s knocked Taranto off the top of my Surname Power Rankings too. I can picture it now: “WHAT A GRAB BY SCRIMSHAW”. It’s a beautiful sports name.

7:22PM – Fremantle enter the draft, with an enticing ruck prospect in Tim English still on the board. Aaron Sandilands is mostly made of metal and plastic these days and doesn’t have a lot of time left, so the thinking goes, making English a logical choice. Instead, the Dockers go with Griffin Louge, a local defender who Brad Johnson’s notes say will be an immediate impact player.

Johnson also introduces a new superlative into the footy vernacular: “an elite rowing background”. That’s, ummm, relevant, for, yeah, nah.

Does that make Tim English our first official slider of the 2016 Draft? Probably not. As a football writer I ‘m contractually obligated to have at least one cliché per 1,000 words.

Logue joins a backline already chock full of young blood: Alex Pearce, Joel Hamling and Sam Collins are all 24 or younger. Ross Lyon does still love his defensive line after all.

7:24PM – Gold Coast’s third top ten pick is in – will it be Bowes? It’s not: Will Brodie, a new style inside midfielder who looks like a cross between Patrick Cripps and Chad Kroger from Nickelback.

7:25PM – Sydney enter the draft at pick ten – they traded their way up here with a player in mind according to reports – and just for kicks they have a crack at Gold Coast’s Jack Bowes. The Suns quickly match, and Bowes becomes the first official graduate of the Gold Coast Suns academy. The AFL Commission is already drawing up plans to reduce their academy zone to a four block radius around Surfer’s Paradise.

(as I type this, Gil calls out Bowes’ junior club as the Surfer’s Paradise Football Club. Indeed…)

The math means the Suns simply give up pick 11 to move up to pick 10, and the Swans slide to pick 11. All a bit pointless, really.

7:27PM – We’re at the first break point as the top ten picks are presented on stage in the always-delightful jumper-suit pant combo. Brodie and Bowes stick out as a ready-made duo to run point on the Coast. Phwoar.

Brad Johnson does officially anoint Tim English as the slider of the first round. Taranto is the bolter. See, we can do this cliché thing all night people.

7:32PM – The Swans select Norm Smith and Brownlow medallist, 300 game, three time premiership player Oliver Florent – a fifth Sandringham Dragon – who looks a pacey half forward type. Maybe not a 300 gamer, but the Swans obviously had someone in mind to fill their need for speed, and Florent looks like the guy they were chasing.

7:33PM – North Melbourne’s first pick is small half forward Jy Simpkin, who is a #slider due to a mid year leg break. Cornes very quickly calls him Brent Harvey’s replacement – no pressure Jy, no pressure. West Coast swiftly pick Daniel Venables, who’ll add to the team’s thin midfield inside group.

7:34PM – We’re moving at warp speed, with the Crows bidding on GWS’ Harry Perryman. It’s the first moment of moderate tension – Giants’ football manager Wayne Campbell looks pensive. He mouths “match it” and so it is.

Adelaide elect to take Jordan Gallucci, who appears to be an inside-outside midfielder type to fill a Bryce Gibbs-shaped void through the middle. Cross-town rivals Port Adelaide pick next, and go with Todd Marshall. A key forward. A key forward. Wait a minute…

The Power were adamant they were taking midfielders in this draft. Port Adelaide games record holder and member of the night’s analysis panel Kane Cornes said the Power were taking midfielders in this draft. Port Adelaide are in need of more midfielders, particularly those who can kick and/or apply defensive pressure. Port Adelaide just spent three years of first round picks getting Patrick Ryder and Charlie Dixon into the club to play forward (at least initially).

Yuck. I don’t like this pick at all. Sure, taking the best available player (Fox Footy’s pre-draft ranking has him as the 11th best player in the draft) is a sound strategy, but the Power have immediate needs – and they won’t be filled by an 18-year-old key forward prospect. Sheahan says he needs to be on another eight to ten kilograms before making an impact at AFL level. That’s three pre-seasons. I do not like it.

That means he’s going to win the Coleman medal at some point in his career, FYI. Maybe even next year.

7:38PM – We’re getting close to the end of the first round now, and it’s Brisbane back on the clock. At 17 they select Jarrod Berry who Brad Johnson – now speaking off the cuff and doing a much better job – reckons the Lions will try to convert into a big bodied midfielder. He’s played as a rebounding half back in his junior days, and looks another who is physically ready to play from next year.

7:39PM – Port Adelaide have another dip, and this time go with a midfielder in Sam Powell-Pepper, who looks to be the first player selected that isn’t present at the venue itself. He looks precisely the kind of player the Power needed. Maybe the best available strategy for their first pick was wise after all?

7:40PM – The Western Bulldogs are in at pick 19, and take Tim English! There he is! Wow, that’s a fascinating pick. The Dogs have played with little regard to convention when it comes to ruckmen in recent years, and English is a ruckman taken at the end of the first round.

Bulldogs’ recruiting manager Simon Dalrymple has been nicknamed Lord Dalrymple by the Western Bulldogs’ keen Twitter following, and given he is also a highly paid and well respected member of the industry I am inclined to respect the pick. I guess the Dogs are pretty well sorted across the board – at least on their 2016 finals form. That affords them the freedom to have a crack on a prospect like English and hope to convert him into a world-beater.

7:41PM – That’s the end of Round 1, and so that’s the end of this running diary. It’s been fun, and hopefully you had some fun learning about some important draft-related things. I’m not sure what those things are, because I’m not sure anyone really knows what’s coming next. That’s the fun of the draft.

As I wrap this up, the Swans have another cheeky bid on an academy player – GWS’ Isaac Cumming. The Giants match, as the analysts expect, and the Swans are again swift to lock in their real selection: Will Hayward, a key forward with a booming leg from Adelaide.

Post-script
So it looks like some interesting things happened after the first round – so interesting that they have to be documented in this all-important draft night recap.

– Steve Johnson randomly appeared at pick 24 with a cast on his left forearm thick enough to kill a grizzly bear with one strike. He announces the pick, then disappears. Confused? Me too.

– The GWS Giants picked up discarded Fremantle midfielder Matt De Boer with their final pick – an interesting selection given De Boer could have joined the Giants as a delisted free agent. It’s difficult to speculate, but it would appear GWS saw bids appear on some of their academy players that they couldn’t match, picked him as a low risk list filler who could come in and play a role with little fuss. I love it.

– You’ve already heard this, but for the record, Hawthorn picked a player by the name of Lewis Mitchell with their first pick in the draft at 76. Hawthorn only have three list spots available, and given their hand they’re unlikely to find much but list filler. So, this is either a genius PR move, an outright and hilarious trolling of the league, or Mitchell might have a tool or two. I’m on option two.