Following the highly amusing conduct of various footy club boardrooms over the last few years, I reckon I’ve got the whole caper sussed.
The majority of these operations are nothing more than three-ring circuses run by fat cats with personal interests that are outweighed only by their pay packets. That’s a fact.
For all of those dreamers out there, don’t sell yourself short – that fat cat could be you.
Really, what does it take to get a gig on one of these gravy trains? A glittering league profile? Seven years running a bakery? A record of repeatedly sacking Todd Carney wherever he walks? Nothing to it.
If you aspire to such heights, we can work this out now. By taking this simple test, you can determine if you possess the levels of misguidance, dishonesty and corruptness that are required for personal profiteering at a football club in Australia.
Answer honestly, and refer to the results guide at the end to see if you are shonky honcho material.
1. Your no-frills first grade coach has overachieved with a spare parts squad and he’s done it on the cheap. In addition to this, he’s blooded a sensational crop of blue-chip youths while juggling the tasks of extracting multiple knives from his back and babysitting a cranky club captain. Your business instincts tell you to:
a) Lock this bloke in. He’s easy on the hip pocket, he rolls with the punches and he’s got an eye for the future.
b) There seems to be some ructions but let’s just try and sit down and talk it over before reassessing.
c) Sack him. Quickly, do it now. I’m not sure exactly why, but let’s just do it anyway. Wait.. actually, let’s do it later.
2. Rumours abound that the high-profile coach you kissed a mountain of arse to recruit wants out. Even with your club in a dark place, he’s even began flirting with other suitors to pump up his price. Overall, he’s raped your coffers with his exorbitant fees and lost more games than he’s won in his tenure. Your reaction is to:
a) End the relationship with a handshake and a ton of mutual respect. He’s lofty, but no name is bigger than the club.
b) Make him one final offer of reasonable largesse, however make it clear you don’t appreciate his recent conduct.
c) Even though he’s had coffee with everyone on the east coast except for you, still throw yourself at his feet. You’re also skint, so lend, borrow or steal a leagues club and tell him he can have it, as long as he stays.
3. After a golden era, your new coach is struggling. He’s unliked by players and fans alike, however today he’s inspired the team to put up a gallant showing in the first half of a blockbuster match against a premiership heavyweight. Nonetheless, he’s still firmly on the chopping block. Halftime comes around, so you decide to:
a) Fulfill your corporate obligations by riffing with sponsors in your private box.
b) Grab a sneaky beer and avoid banal conversation by hiding in the sheds.
c) Extend the coach’s contract. You’ve seen enough in 40 minutes to indicate that ‘he’s turned the corner.’
4. It’s time for the monthly board meeting. Like any round-table discussion between neck-tied penguins, there’s always some healthy to-and-fro. As chairman, your standards of acceptable boardroom behaviour are:
a) Passionate and robust debate that remains professional. Everyone here’s got the club’s best interests at their core.
b) Club factionalism, grubby politics, back-stabbing, power-playing, bad coffee.
c) Threats of physical violence resulting in police intervention and the eventual issuing of AVOs.
5. Election time is approaching for admission to the board of your local club. You are a passionate supporter with unrivaled business acumen and you decide to enlist as a candidate. Your approach to winning over voters is to:
a) Campaign honestly and fairly using your corporate and supporter history as the foundation for your push.
b) Campaign honestly and fairly using your charisma and your large bank account.
c) Campaign honestly and fairly by breaking in to the leagues club and doctoring up a massive amount of fake memberships for family members, thus resulting in you winning election by a margin of 15 cousins.
6. They say that clear lines of communication are the best way to avoid ‘basketcase’ status at governance level in footy. When running business at your club, you know you can always get the whole truth from:
a) Your management, coaching and senior players.
b) Your right-hand man.
c) Gorden Tallis.
7. Your footy club is in deep turmoil after your head coach has been found overseeing a systematic doping program that has punctured your playing stocks like common lab rats. After withering heat from media, fans and sponsors, the coach has copped a fine and a suspension, but further definitive action is required. You decide to:
a) Pay him out and send him on his way immediately. Make a stand and avoid irreparable damage to the club’s image.
b) Tell the press you are reviewing his position and hide him in the office. When the dust settles, sack him.
c) Extend his contract and while he’s suspended, temporarily replace him with a bloke who doesn’t want the job.
The first-grade team at your club is going gangbusters. They sit atop the league and your roster is the envy of the rest of the chasing pack. You would describe your working relationship with the playing group as:
a) Honest and professional with loads of mutual respect. We are all pulling in the same direction.
b) Not entirely warm, but civil and business-like. We’re not chummy, but we know our respective roles.
c) F*ck I hate Anthony Watmough and the Stewart brothers.
Assessment time.
Did you answer mostly a’s? Then I’m sorry, your type isn’t welcomed in the world of sports business in Australia. Unfortunately, it sounds like you possess a degree and a moral compass, plus you are far too honest. You’re just going to have to work for some bunch of schlubs like Microsoft or Coke.
Did you answer mostly b’s? You’re nearly fat-cat material, but you’ve got some way to go. You need to get that niggly stuff, like transparency and fairness, out of your game, and for God’s sake, stop thinking of other people and put yourself first. Then you might find yourself in the big time; punching on with some former Parramatta legend in a suit.
Did you answer mostly c’s? Congratulations, you shifty shyster! You are the classic prototype for a footy administrator in this fine country. You are so dirty that they’ve named a line of brown paper bags after you. Keep your phone on, you’ll be hearing from Wests Tigers management and/or the Obeid family real soon.
How did you rate, Roarers?
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