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When either of the Western Australia teams make the AFL grand final, Perth threatens to collapse in on itself.
MORE AFL FINALS:
>> WHO WILL WIN THE SEMI FINALS?
>> HAWKS V CROWS PREVIEW & PREDICTION
>> SWANS V NORTH PREVIEW & PREDICTION
>> FINALS FORECAST: HAWKS V CROWS
>> THE X-FACTOR FINALS PLAYERS
>> EXPERT TIPS
>> HOW TO WATCH THE SEMI-FINALS
The deluge of publicity, debate, bragging, and cross-town jealousy can overwhelm even the most ardent footy fan.
The local newspapers print supplements so ludicrously comprehensive and heavy they must be delivered by steroid-swollen postmen.
To get a berth on the nightly TV news, non-AFL items must contain the phrases “approaching tsunami” or “Tony Abbott UFC debut”.
Radio stations get so caught up in the hype you fear they may just play a 24-hour loop of a man bellowing “Foooooty!!!”
You’ll think I’m exaggerating if you weren’t in Perth in the Septembers of 1991, 1992, 1994, 2005, 2006, or 2013.
The smothering presence of football is only slightly less in the lead-up to the Western Derbies each season.
Fremantle fans tend not to like West Coast or their followers. They have never forgotten nor forgiven the club’s fledgling days when the Eagles were AFL heavyweights and the Dockers would have battled to snare a D-grade amateurs’ flag.
Eagles fans, meanwhile, have a grating tendency to try end any argument with a Dockers barracker by asking them how many premierships Freo have won.
It’s all good-natured ribbing until it’s not.
Until a Freo-mad father cracks it with his Eagles-keen wife and dyes their children purple.
Until a West Coast fan wears a Dockers flag like a mankini.
Until a footballer who represented both teams like Daniel Metropolis is asked by an Eagles thug, “Which half of you played for Freo?”, before having the offending side of his body whooped.
You might say I’m being alarmist, preposterous or plainly unfunny. But these are the kinds of wild incidents with which WA Police will have to deal if Fremantle and West Coast win their respective preliminary finals next weekend.
I’m not qualified to comment on most subjects, but as a footy fanatic who grew up in Perth, trust me on this one thing: an all-WA grand final would be both glorious and atrocious.
As a founding member of West Coast with a hefty soft spot for the Dockers, I couldn’t lose (or completely win either).
I miss my home city but on that weekend I’d be chuffed that I’m on the other side of the world, quarantined from the ceaseless bickering, banter and boisterous barracking.
It could, however, be quite literally a once-in-a-lifetime experience I’d be missing.
Medical science should hopefully allow me to watch another 50 to 60 grand finals. There are no guarantees that any of them would feature both WA teams though.
So if it eventuates this year, Western Australia footy fans, embrace the madness.