Just as our long-suffering better halves are currently thinking that they’ve weathered the worst of it as Movember nears its end, we need to focus our thoughts on this next critical period.
There’s no time to lose and we need to act now if we are to succeed in… da_dum_da_dum: the ‘Maximisation of the Summer of Cricket’.
As we start working our way through 25 days of giving via our kids’ Advent calendars, here are a few questions and ideas for how to ensure that the Summer of Cricket doesn’t end up as the ‘Summer of the Dog-House’.
First, let me start with a question and throw this out to the forum. Just how much sport is too much? For many, the answer is infinite but there’s the fine line between, “oh, he’s such a good man” or “he’s worked so hard, he needs a break” and the “if that filthy hobo spends another minute on the couch I will murder him!”
I currently sit imagining easing into the summer with almost daily Big Bash and the Gabba from the 15th with its fantastic night sessions after the kids’ bedtimes. Come the 26th things could get a little trickier with five days solid at the MCG and time zones in our favour as South Africa play Sri Lanka.
You could effectively watch back-to-back full days of cricket! And for the die-hard sports enthusiasts, you could wrap it all up with a couple of games of the English Premier League football or Aviva Premiership rugby, whatever blows your hair back. But we need to bear in mind that when our kids wake at 5.30 in the morning and we haul those bloodshot eyes out of bed, there will be consequences.
Now let me qualify this by saying categorically that my wife is an angel, a champion, clearly my better half, the most amazing thing in my life and I love her dearly – but if the two full days squeezed into one, followed by another sport for dessert is the preferred approach, the odds are not great that the consequences are going to be fantastic.
Whatever your ideal viewing time is, one thing is certain, you need an approach. Now, I might like to believe that the old “oh, it’s 10.30 on the 26th of December and I’m just turning the tv on to check what time Grey’s Anatomy is showing for you later” will work, but the truth is that it all plays out to my partner like a predictable Mills and Boon.
So here’s where we think outside the box and throw out some ideas as to how we can use the next four weeks to maximise da_dum_da_dum The Summer of Cricket.
Option 1 – the banker (my recommended approach)
1. Start enforcing the kids one hour of TV time a day. Sure, when those little buggers get you up at 5.30 in the morning an hour of Paw Patrol can get you by until your second eye can also open, but now’s your chance to get the kids used to “daddy” programmes. Plus you’re letting your lovely lady know you’re on the same team.
2. Create your own advent calendar for your lady, smother her in gifts from 1 December with the grand finale on Christmas day
Come the 26th, you’ll have enough in the gift bank to get you through day one and two.
3. Start working on the house now
You know all those little things you’ve been putting off. I can guarantee you that while you are thinking of cricket, or soccer, or footy, or rugby, your lady is thinking about what can finally get sorted. Start this weekend on the things that you know about.
As my good friend Fireman Sam says, there’s no time to lose! Those gutters, the handles on the cupboards, the damn drop-down light bulbs that fuse quicker than you can make the return trip to Bunnings. Fix them and buy spares.
Then ask your surprised partner if she has anything that she would like you to look at. Get a pen and an A4 notepad because you have only noticed the socks at the front of your cupboard my friends.
Get that list done by the 25th and there’s day three and four – and that’s possibly the ball game with Australia 2-0 up with the SCG spin paradise to come. (As an aside, there’s my not too subtle 2-1 series prediction).
4. Take your kids to a Big Bash game
Hell, take the family. Even better, book some “corresponding” holiday time in Melbourne or Sydney and “Wow, who knew? Well, while we are here why don’t we catch…” Depending on circumstances, this may not be anti-dog-box material though and may require some pamper included.
In my case, the credit card bill would catch me regardless. Ah, the black hole that is study debt!
5. Start recording countless chick-flicks and fit in as many mommy-daddy movie nights as possible before D-Day
Hell, you may even like it. I point no fingers as I definitely have more pointing back at me. A particularly low point of my life was crying in Pride and Prejudice. Shucks, get ahead of the game, record an entire season of Men in Trees. And then… buy a second TV.
Option 2 – establish the standard – now! (not recommend as it is likely to result in divorce)
1. I absolutely hate the idea but as we say, go hard or go home. Start training. Stay up until 3am every morning watching darts, or horses, or World Series of poker, or badminton, or whatever they show at ungodly hours.
Prove that you are sports, you live sports. Watch every Big Bash game. Watch any game possible. Watch club cricket, scout for the next number 6 should my series prediction above go horribly south.
Hell, scout our next 1 to 6, and 7, we’ll definitely need a new keeper, and Josh Hazlewood, looking a bit over it isn’t he?
If you are not in a fantasy league what went wrong in life? Edge a little closer to that guy who makes his picks at lunch time. Invite him for awkward dinner, maybe a movie. Make a friend.
Sure, it’ll be awkward. Your lady may start worrying. Keep your eye on the prize, you need to join a league. Do not miss a pick!
Re-invent a rivalry with Pakistan. Delve the archives, Pakistan have won the last three Tests. Before that they hadn’t won since 1995. Know the stats, know the players stats, know what floss they prefer. Who cares you say? This is serious, this… is… life.
By the time 15th December comes for all your partner knows it could be the Ashes. The Ashes! And if you play your cards right it’ll be right up there with the time Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath and Matt Hayden led Australia to a victory by an innings and 198 runs in Sharjah in October 2002. Yes, it will be that good.
But you’ll be living alone, moulded into the sofa with your awesome ginger patchy holiday beard, with no ladylove or kids who now think your name is ‘dickhead’.
Option 3 – the worker
1. Start writing for The Roar. Then all you have to say is “Sorry my darling, but I have to work.”
And there we go. Tell me what you think. If any of you have ideas for either building your bank balance, going hard or working hard, feel free to let me know below?
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