In the beginning there was an almighty ball-up in the centre circle of nothingness. This created a conflagration of quantum fluctuation so great that matter was spread far and wide, which is hard to quantify as there was no ‘far and wide’ made as yet.
This was followed by massive expansion into the shape of an elongated spheroid creating a Universe of perfection.
Hot air cooled and contraction and compression led to matter forming into perfectly round spheres.
Followers of another game (Soccer) will use these spheres to “prove” that their game is the “real deal”; but the truth is that the Great God Sherrin made the planets round so that Full Backs could run to Full Forward and end up where they started.
It is also well known that the elongated spheroid is the ‘perfect shape’ but, like the Rug Makers of Ephesus already know, you should never make a perfect object as only the Great God Sherrin may do that.
Evolution continued experimenting to create the perfect football player.
Species came and went: some were great runners but could not kick, others could jump but could not crumb and others just lay around and ate pies – they became spectators.
Finally a great species evolved – it was big, tough, fast and mean as all get out. Unfortunately, he was a lousy mark due to tiny arms. This became most evident when Tyrannosaurus Rocca missed the high bomb of all high bombs in the form of a meteorite from outer space; his miss led to the destruction of his species.
That meteorite crashed into the South Pacific and began to form what was to become the greatest playing field in all history – Terra Australis.
Meanwhile, a new species did evolve, smaller than dinosaurs but with larger arms suited to marking. They learnt to eat lesser species that were bred especially to feed them.
Teams began forming on the great paddocks across the world – the Plains of Africa (the Lions), the high Plateaus of South America (the Eagles), the Middle Eastern Desert (the Bombers) and the Egyptian Delta (the Cats) among them.
Slowly the game spread and the search for one great playing field was on.
Exploration blossomed during this time and new cultures were discovered then decimated of all useful things that would assist in the quest – spices, cocoa, pasta and other cuisines were adopted to fuel players increasing diets.
Finally, the remains of the ancient meteorite were discovered.
Flattened by the impact, plus erosion through years of tourist visits to Uluru, this land already played host to a native brand of the great game (the Kangaroos).
Wanting to maintain a tough, rugged lifestyle the players decided to head South to find the coldest, wettest place to continue training. Settling next to a large Bay, the teams fought hard amongst each other to find their own patch of earth. They ended up calling the place ‘Melborn’ born, as it was, out of this melee.
So began, over the ensuing centuries, the formalisation of this ancient ritual. Other countries tried to compete with the purity of the spectacle by inventing their own games.
The attempts were grand in scale but lacked finesse; most notable were the two attempts at a world competition in 1914-18 and 1939-45.
These failed dismally due to bad umpiring and the fact that whenever they invited the Australian teams to join the competition they became embarrassed by their displays of playing prowess.
Afterwards it was mutually decided to let these Australians just play quietly amongst themselves. Everyone decided that the world would be a safer place if they left them alone in their corner of the world.
Now the great evolution can continue unencumbered.
As predicted by that great ruckman, Charles Darwin, we will continue to evolve the perfect player; able to catch that next hospital pass from outer space.
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