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I wonder if David Kirk feels he should have waited just another day, week, or year, before putting his opinions about the current Wallabies into print. Is he sitting in a corner now beating himself up about what seems to have been a seriously ill-timed moment?
The former All Black ’87 RWC winning skipper wrote in last Saturday’s The Sunday Star-Times (NZ) before the Wallabies-Springboks Brisbane Test that the Wallabies were ‘weak-minded’ and ‘consistent losers’.
Yes, he did.
Did Captain Kirk wake last Sunday morning wishing he was some place, any place else, except Australia?
I have news: it seems he was.
Come Sunday morning, Captain Kirk was reportedly in deep space aboard his star ship Enterprise again heading at triple the speed of light to another far flung, safer corner of the dangerous Universe.
Scotty: Ye wrote WHUT, Cap’n?
CK: I know, I know! Can we crank this thing up a bit faster, Scotty?
S: I’ll do m’best, sir, but we’re already warping at double maximum speed – but what on earth possessed ye man? The Wallabies played like madmen. They annihilated the Boks! Did y’see what Ben Robinson did to Jon Smit: popped him up like a bar of wet soap, Cap’n!
CK: God, don’t remind me, Montgomery. I’ve made an absolute arse of myself . . .
S: Indeed, y’have, sir. I mean did y’see Polota-Nau cutting those Springboks in half, time and time again until he broke his neck!
CK: I know. And he’ll be playing again in Wellington on Saturday week! They’ve never made them like that before.
Captain Kirk slumps into the commander’s chair. He speaks in a low, hoarse whisper:
CK: I wrote worse, Scotty – worse. I wrote that Deans and his team have four reasons for their ‘ineptitude’.
S: Good God mon, what possessed ye to say that?
CK: Madness, it seems, madness. If only I’d waited until after the game . . .
S: Aye, wisdom in hindsight, stupidity in foresight – I do know what y’mean, Cap’n.
CK: First, I said they have few world-class players. Second, some ordinary players have played extraordinarily badly.
S: Oh, mon! I canna believe y’wrote that! I mean did y’see the way young Genia marshalled his forwards to steamroll the world champion Boks – and the brilliance and speed of O’Connor. And Giteau, and Barnes – and what about Rocky Elsom?
CK: I did, I did! My words are ashes in my mouth, Scotty. Then I wrote third, they have lost their captain and George Smith, fine player that he is, is not the man to rally a weak team to play above themselves. I don’t think anyone else is either, so I don’t suggest a change, but the fact is Australia lack an inspirational captain when they need one.
S: Y’said that aboot George Smith? The man’s a living rugby legend, sir. He could lead a team if he was a one-legged blind mute just by the inspirational way he plays!
CK: Don’t tell me; I know, I know! And, fourthly, I said the team has demonstrated a quite inexplicable inability to stick to a game plan and do the hard work necessary to make the game plan work.
S: Oh mon, it just gets worse . . . sir! Don’t tell me there’s more?
CK: Yes Scotty, sadly there is – but that’s the gist of it …
[The communications console begins flashing and beeping. Scotty takes the headset and listens intently]
S: Hold on, Cap’n – there’s a message coming through from Australia. Goodness, it’s from the Wallabies themselves.
CK: Aah, no!
S: It’s not as bad as you think, sir: ‘Dear Captain Kirk, thanks for writing that column before we played. Mr Deans read it out to use twice – before we went on to the field. It made us as mad as hell. We’ve each got a copy of it to memorise before the game against the All Blacks in Wellington next week.’
CK: Phew, Scotty; I’m off the hook. As they say in klingon: buy’ ngop! Turn her around, Montgomery, we’re going home!
S: But, Cap’n what if the Wallabies thump yeer beloved All Blacks? Ye’ll be blamed for it, y’know.
CK: Hmm, maybe not. If I write a similar column about the ‘inept’ All Blacks for next week and it stirs them up enough to win, I’ll get all the credit for it, yes Scotty? Win, win.
S: Ye’r a genius, Cap’n Kirk, no doot aboot it!
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.