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My favourite stadium is not named after a sugary, ass-fattening beverage, or a mentally unstable man’s mobile phone warehouse. It also does not try to build up unrealistic expectations of itself with lame adjectives such as ‘super’ or ‘mega’ or ‘super-awesome-mega’.
No, my favourite stadium, Darkhound Park, or ‘the Hound’ for short, is named after talented local sportsman Ernest Darkhound, who placed equal fifth in Roque at the 1904 St Louis Olympics.
The Hound has undergone many changes over the years, but its place in the community’s heart has not. Unlike some modern stadiums it does not sit in a barren outer suburb, rising from the asphalt like a malignant monolith with only pigeons and discarded chip packets to keep it company during the week.
Instead, the Hound blends in effortlessly with its surrounds, its external architecture exuding both strength and warmth like a veteran football coach’s craggy face.
This is not to imply that it is difficult to find the Hound though, as it is only a cheery stroll from public transport hubs past bustling pubs and family eateries.
However, Manly and Collingwood fans never seem to find their way there… not even on ‘Dental Van’ night.
Passing through the turnstiles by the Farmer Hoggett lookalike ticket collector with your six-pack, beach ball and picnic basket of homemade food it is hard not to be warmed by the intimate atmosphere the Hound exudes. The stands are a mismatch of ages, from depression era to relatively new.
However, this just adds to the charm of the place giving each area a distinct feel.
There is a section for families with autograph hungry youngsters, a section for shirtless young men wearing watermelon helmets and a section for old blokes in blazers and thick spectacles with cloth caps and ruddy complexions.
The only section the Hound does lack is a row of glass corporate boxes full of bored blokes in suits nibbling canapés wishing they were hotdogs, with sponsors and visiting dignitaries instead revelling in the chance to be part of the ‘Hound’s Howl.’
Oh yes, ‘the Howl’.
The Hound is noisier than Phil Gould waiting for the video ref. No tinny pop music or Big Brother housemate ground announcers sully the air, as all noise in the hound is purely organic bar for a dodgy PA used for announcing each team sheet and playing a crappy 30’s version of the home team’s victory song.
This is not to say the Hound is a relic, though.
Sure it has worked hard to remain its quaint feel but it also has been a leader in embracing worthwhile new technologies.
A fully retractable roof as well as several big screens (big meaning more than just a 2005 plasma TV) can be found at the stadium and head to the clean, deep-heat scented toilets and you’ll be relieved, in more than one way, to see each cubicle resplendent with a small flat screen television so you don’t miss a moment of the game.
Such an attitude towards picking and choosing which new trends it should embrace is also reflected by security at the Hound. Whilst Hound security guards are happy to turn a blind eye to more harmless activities such as beer snakes, player baiting and streaking they come down hard on the real atrocities of beer knocking over, sombrero wearing and status updating.
Come the full-time siren and the fans don’t scurry home to whinge on internet forums, but instead race for the corner post, wander through the halls of memorabilia underneath the stands or grab a snag from the happening tailgate party taking place on the training ovals out the back. It is a wonderful place to be.
But now it’s time to reveal what the more cynical and those of you who know how to use Google already know, that just like scrums against the feed, charismatic Australian cricketers and a decent pack of footy cards, Darkhound Park does, sadly, not exist.
But if you do know of a stadium where you can bring in your own food, has 21st century technology and deep heat scented toilets could you please let me know… even if it’s named something stupid, like Super Awesome Telco Pizza Park.
So sports fans, does anyone know of a stadium out there that can compete with the Hound?
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