Believe it: there are days when I don’t wake up thinking, “Hmm, I’d like to see someone’s teeth smashed out of their face today.” There are those days, but then there are days when it happens anyway.
It’s one of those quirks of probability. We all know cricket balls are very hard. Those who’ve played the game have worn the brutal sting when they crash into that one unprotected spot on your inner thigh, or endured the cut fingers from trying to spin the seam.
And every time a batsman smashes a straight drive back past the bowler Tony Greig always says that gee whiz, that could’ve killed him there, nearly took his head orff. But for all that, I’ve never actually seen it happen.
Until it did, with a Zimbabwean death bowler nearly becoming a Zimbabwean dead bowler when he managed to save a certain boundary with his face. His full toss off the last ball of the innings ended up being clouted back into his mouth. And thanks to the slow-motion replay, you can see those bits of teeth cartwheeling away from his purpling lips like wedding rice off a car roof.
Bangladeshi batsman Nasir Hossain looked dismayed, the bowler hit the deck, and the phrase ‘blood on the pitch’ suddenly became very literal. Volumetrically so.
None of this was enjoyable – I rather wish I hadn’t watched it, and even thinking about it induces a few shivers. But if you like a bit of wincing with your morning tea, you can see it in full here.
One part that was enjoyable was the big middle finger it issued to anyone who says cricket isn’t a hard sport. The other part was the parade of headlines – and the best bad puns are the ones writers probably don’t realise they’re making.
See, the bowler’s name was Meth. Keegan Meth. And so:
“I’ve lost nine kilos from not eating – Meth.”
“Meth suffers unfortunate mouth injury.”
“Meth forced out of Test.”
All I’m hoping for, apart from a speedy recovery for the hero in this story, is that he’ll marry one o’ the local girls and name his daughter Crystal. And that we can award him Steve Waugh’s old nickname of The Iceman.
A range of non-drug-related headlines were sadly passed by. “Toothless Zimbabwe attack smashed by Bangladesh,” would have been a good example.
“Denture dare give me full tosses,” perhaps. “Zim’s late bowling hardly incisive.”
“Emerging all-rounder on the bicuspid of success.”
Match reports also had a lot of lines about Bangladesh “saving face” with their win. Doesn’t look like they did that great a job of it to me.
Follow Geoff Lemon on Twitter: @GeoffLemonSport
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