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There’s a bloke in my office – let’s call him Big D – who exists as the workplace cricket barometer. Just like the leaves on the trees herald in the change of season, so too can the change in sporting seasons be witnessed by watching the changes in Big D.
Usually polite and mild-mannered, Big D transmogrifies into a Gabba security guard’s ‘Most Wanted’ poster to the point where he actively has to be stopped from wearing his batting pads in to work.
On a wider scale though, there are many other changes in the society that indicate the beginning of cricket season. Here are five of the best:
1. AM Radio becomes socially acceptable
Usually flicking on the AM wireless, results in hours of droning retires, ringing up fossilised announcers to moan on about petrol prices or the sun being too bright or something.
For starters, everyone knows the best place to whinge or spread bias is on internet forums. Secondly, you try tuning in to this drivel at work and anyone aged under 50 will be quickly lodging workplace harassment claims with your superior.
Come cricket season though and its perfectly acceptable to have the portable quietly murmuring on your desk, and even Bradley, the cool kid from marketing with the faux-hawk, will be lingering unnecessarily past your cubicle on his way to chat up the new secretary.
2. So too is watching hours upon hours of TV
If the sun was shining on a nice summer day, most blokes would baulk at the idea of sitting down and watching three or four hours of say, ‘Home Improvement’ or ‘When Buildings Collapse’.
In fact, the idea of doing such a thing would be frowned upon, what with calls by the government to be more active, lose weight, contribute to society and so on.
For some reason though, plonking yourself on the lounge and watching a couple of blokes play a gentleman’s sport for hours on end is not only seen as a perfectly acceptable way to whittle away the hours, but also a highly patriotic endeavour that certifies you as a fair-dinkum true blue knockabout Aussie battler with a keen interest in healthy sporting endeavours.
3. Spontaneous cricket actions
Cricket has a way of seeping into your brain and affecting how you see the world.
Suddenly the walk down the hallway to the photocopier becomes a perfect chance to practice your long-hop.
Every scrunched-up piece of paper thrown at the bin is a chance to run out Lance Klusner in the 99 World Cup semi-final.
A trip in the elevator is the perfect time to practice a few straight-drives while catching anything from gently hit tennis balls to gastroenteritis is a cause for wild celebration and high fives.
Just be aware that not even Richie Benaud could talk his way out of getting busted practising his sweep shots in the men’s bathroom.
4. The divide between cricket-lovers and haters emerges
Strangely enough, there are people out there who aren’t particularly fond of cricket. There are also people who openly despise the sport.
These people are called women.
Okay, that’s not entirely true. There’s also Americans.
Just kidding. I’m sure there are plenty of women and Americans who enjoy the sport. I’ve just yet to meet any of them.
Cricket has a way of polarising opinions to an extreme level. Maybe it’s the tedious technical nature of the game, the glossary of obtuse terms or the leisurely playing pace.
Whatever it is, I guarantee that before New Year’s Eve you will have at least one person whinge in a nasally voice that “I haaaate crickeeeet”, when you flick on the Test match in the boardroom.
There’s no point in trying to change them, take the time to explain the rules and they will just give you a confused look like your Labrador does when you yell at it for doing a poo on your driveway.
Just accept that haters gonna hate and get them Matt Hayden’s cookbook for secret Santa.
5. Terrible fashion emerges.
Fluro zinc. Floppy hats. Woollen vests. Gaudy sporting sunglasses. Bright trousers and matching shirts that are a Care Bear away from being your little nephew’s pyjamas.
Hang on, maybe that’s why the ladies aren’t that into cricket!
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