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Step aside Khoder Nassar, because if The Man Mundine is going to get his shot at Pretty Boy Floyd, he’s going to have to get himself noticed in a big way.
That may have been simple task in the domain of rugby league, given Mundine’s fluency in hyperbole, but in the world of boxing, talking smack is as big a part of the job as absorbing body blows.
But fear not Choc, as here are a few tactics to ensure you get your dream bout against the best pound-for-pound boxer to have ever graced the canvas.
Stir up the War on Terror
Remember those unfortunate comments you made after 9/11 in New York City? Well, apologise for the apology, retract all retractions, unclarify your clarifications. The bottom line is, Anthony, make them believe you’re not sorry.
Floyd Mayweather may just take the bait and choose to do the talking for his nation. It might make you the most despised contender ever to box Stateside, but you’ve been a despised man before and it’s just like riding a bike, only with the neighbourhood kids pelting you with rocks.
Beat Saul Alverez
Gina Rinehart aside, there is nothing in this world scarier than an angry, Mexican rednut. But if you could somehow convince Alverez to take you on and then emerge victorious, Mayweather would have to consider you a legitimate contender.
Easier said than done, as Alvarez is an amazing talent, and at only 21 years of age, he has you covered on the vitality front.
At 37, your best days are behind you, but all it takes is a wacky scientist, a modified DeLorean, and a stretch of road that lets you hit 88 miles, then you’ll be all set to wind back the clock and turn El Canelo into crushed cinnamon.
Out-rhyme Floyd Mayweather Senior
Even if it means employing the services of the Shire’s Riffy-Raffy and his dope rhymes, you need to go head to head with Floyd’s old man in a rap battle of epic proportions.
It shouldn’t be too difficult, given that Mayweather Senior’s latest effort was “I am telling the truth. Floyd is the man to meet if you want to get beat.” It would have been enough to have Muhammad Ali rolling out of his chair.
It’s clear that the best way to get to Junior is to go through Senior, so out-rhyme that sucker and you’ll be all set. Make sure to throw in something about eating his children.
Slip him a get out of jail free card
When someone with a nickname like ‘Pretty Boy’ is incarcerated, it doesn’t generally indicate an easy road ahead. But various conventions of the prison system become completely null and void if the inmate holds three or more title belts, meaning it is highly unlikely anyone got in the ring with Floyd during his 87 days behind bars.
That said, no one likes prison food. So if you can somehow find a way to bust him out early Choc, it would surely pave the way to a match-up. You got Johnny Cochran’s on speed dial on the Ouija board?
Give 50 Cent 50 cents on the dollar
Listen here y’all. Curtis going to get paid, ya feel me? There be only one way for the Man to get his chance to step to P-Boy and that mean goan through Fifty. He gots to get his, so take your prize purse (which ain’t worth a dime anywayz) and hand over fiddy to The Fiddy. It’s all in the game y’all.
Author note to self – stop watching reruns of The Wire.
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