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It did not come to me in a form of a dream. It manufactured out of pure Saffa arrogance. Last year I predicted England would win The World Cup.
Perhaps I mistook them for another team wearing black, but this time I took matters into my own hands. This time I went and sought out a Sangoma.
I took my signed by James Smal 1995 Springbok replica jersey with me as my voodoo relic. I carefully listened and did what was asked of me by the Amakosi. I sang, danced and repeated Xhosa words I did not quite understood.
He shacked, blew and threw the bones. And as faith would have it, there was a Bok horn which fell solitary, away from the other bones and pieces of charms.
The Sangoma interpreted to me what I already knew – South Africa will win the Rugby Championship.
Henceforth, I can’t be accused of black magic, as I only needed the conformation of a Springbok win.
Jarpienism, but there can be no denying that our time has come once more to dominate world rugby. Can you say spoiler’s alert.
Match day #1
Pardon my Spanish but, Estos gatos no tienen garras. I predict the Boks will tango to a convincing win in front of a very hostile Newlands crowd. Don’t expect too much flashy backline moves from both teams, as I also predict it will rain.
Final scores: SA 39-12 ARG, AUS 21-18 NZ
Match day #2
The Boks will be focused and will not enjoy Mendoza’s beautiful scenery, nice food and delicious wine too much. Las Pampas is a different animal at home, but still the Boks should be too strong with no flashy backline moves. Side note – Morne Steyn breaks his leg and is out for 100 years.
Final scores: ARG 17-23 SA, NZ 45-19 AUS
Match day #3
Who makes the scheduling? How dumb is it to have South Africa play Australia in Perth. The Waltzing Madibas are going to have another field day. It will be Scotland in Newcastle all over again for Australia. Can’t blame the weather this time.
Final scores: AUS 9-17 SA, NZ 54-6 ARG
Match day #4
Lately this has not been the fierce rivalry of old. The teams may have been locked at 6-5 during Pieter De Villiers’ tenure, but as always, playing the All Blacks is the ultimate test for us Dutch folks. This will be the toughest match of the season but the best team will eventually win on the day.
Final scores: NZ 10-12 SA, AUS 24-11 ARG
Match day #5
Rocky Elsom’s pre-match comments about destroying the Boks at Loftus are more ridiculous than Victor Matfield’s claims that the Irish players could speak Afrikaans. But surprisingly, amidst all the vocal fans and humility, the Wallabies will actually make a game out of this. Leading the entire game, save for a last minute Springbok move. Wallaby defense coaches take note: Hougaard feed the scrum on the right side within 15 meters of the Wallabies 22. Scrum remains steady and ball is retained. As a flush of wind source, he swings a flat pass to an oncoming Elton Jantjies. Elton looks to chip kick over the Wallaby centers towards the far left wing, perhaps to Habana. But instead, he appears to have shaved the ball with the inside of his right boot. The ball grubbers along, past Wallaby the scrum and seemly into no man’s land. Moment’s later the crowd rose with a thundering roar as Mvovo claims the ball, to score in the corner. Elton jumps for joy and yells out; “Carlos taught me that!”
Final scores: SA 45- 40 AUS, ARG 11-33 NZ
Match day #6
And as if the previews weekend wasn’t tough enough. We now sit with an unnecessary match. Our Championship is already in the bag, so the only thing to play for now is World domination. It start’s with two heartfelt anthems. Followed by the Haka, which is being drummed out by an unplugged microphone and the “ole ole ole” chants of the crowd. Finally kick off commence and 80 minutes later the Springboks show why they are the Mecca of Rugbyism.
Final scores: SA 25-20 NZ, ARG 21-29 AUS
These are the predictions I chose to postue on to my Australasian and Argentine peers. Beware of a Springbok blitzkrieg, and although my supple warnings may be dictated as arrogance, I will still offer you my humble condolences.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.