It’s that time again – the dreaded Mad Monday – a peculiarly Australian tradition of celebrating a season of abject failure with the mother of all booze-ups.
If you’re a regular, red-blooded Aussie footballer, it’s the most natural thing in the world to get dressed up in ladies clothes and get dangerously punk in drublic.
Or maybe your club is more cerebral in its approach to the day.
Your social committee chairman will perhaps organise costumes of Mexican wrestlers or comic book super heroes with which to take to the streets and roll out the barrels.
Whatever the approach, one thing’s for sure – on Tired and Hungover Tuesday there’ll be plenty of entertaining pictures of your merry band doing the rounds on social media.
These will show our athletic superhuman heroes are just normal young men after all.
In our media this by definition means they’re dangerously out of control and a menace to polite society.
Image is all-important these days. If a player like Allan Langer is photographed dancing on a pub table in his jocks we’re sort of ok with that because he’s always been a bit of a rogue.
But if Darren Lockyer lunges into a bar manager mate for a drunken bear-hug, the very foundations of all that’s sacred in a conservative culture like ours is under threat.
A player’s sponsors prefer not to have to read stories of Joe Citizen picking bits of glass out of his face after a run-in with a group of intoxicated footy players.
It’s a societal problem of course – just ask Jason Taylor.
Clubs take every care to chaperone their precious playing group and keep them out of trouble and ensure that any simmering internal differences of opinion aren’t finally “sorted out” in a public way.
It takes me back to my own playing days as a reserve winger (the coach assured me I was a last-quarter specialist) for the mighty Brothers Holy Spirit Hornets.
At the end of the season we’d have a plate of fairy bread sandwiches, a glass of fizzy pop and the presentation of the side’s Best and Fairest award.
Then grab the Eskies, crack four tinnies open each and pile into a bus and head off to Bad Moon Rising in the Valley for a night of booze and str…wait a second that can’t be right.
It must have been a good night, I can’t remember too much after receiving the ‘Best Reserve Winger’ trophy.
In any event if football clubs and sponsors are worried about potential damage to their brands via misbehaving players they could do something about it.
They could organise a different kind of break-up party.
At school, we’d all bring a plate of something good to share with the rest of the class.
At the Newcastle gig perhaps Willie Mason could supply a bag of corn chips and dip, Darius Boyd a plate of delicious home-made jam drops and Ukuila Uate a big bag of boiled toffees.
Knowing Danny Buderus, he’ll supply the plate of peeled apple and orange pieces.
Over at Penrith they’ll have a great day of games and party fun to look forward to.
Tim Grant will bring his extra-long skipping rope, Michael Jennings a brand-new tennis ball for a big game of ins-and-outs handball while the club will spare no expense with a huge piñata filled to bursting with treats for the players.
Parramatta will allow their players to bring in their favourite toy to do a show and tell to the rest of the team.
Chris Sandow will bring a Lego space ship he spent weeks making in his room, Nathan Hindmarsh might display his bike and Luke Burt will proudly show off his zap gun that has flashing lights and makes cool noises when you flick a switch and pull the trigger.
At the end of festivities, all players will be back home, tucked safe and warm in bed with a hot water bottle and clean teeth, ready to drift off on wings of contentment to dreamland.
Now they’re on holidays, in the morning they’ll be able to get up and go and visit their friends and play outside all day, maybe even until six o’clock!
Come to think of it, too much sugar is never a good idea.
Some players can get a bit hyperactive and the comedown is truly terrible to behold.
Besides, there are newspapers that need shifting. Best leave things as they are.
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