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Ever wondered what the first week in camp is like for a guy who chooses his adopted nation over his place of birth?
The issue is red hot right now. New Zealand and Australia have been stealing each other’s players for years, and stealing the best talent from smaller island nations for even longer.
The following diary of an un-named trans-Tasman jumper is not meant to attack anyone, but rather make fun of the horrible situation rugby league has created for itself.
Day 1
Arrive at Townsville airport to a large contingent of journalists dressed in tidy suits; luckily the Kangaroos media team has already briefed me on what to say. I pivot between microphones relaying clichés about how happy I am to play for this country and how I hope to now put the issue to bed, before being dragged away by a team representative.
Day 2
I have been roomed up with James Tamou, so naturally we spent last night chatting until the wee hours about our time playing schoolboy footy in New Zealand. Jimmy is an ok sort, but has a bad habit of incorporating Paul Gallen into every story he tells.
More media interviews today. More clichés shared.
Day 3
The boys hit the park to run through some set plays, but today is all about learning the national anthem for me. I get the shock of my life when I am informed that we won’t be singing Waltzing Matilda.
At dinner the boys swap stories of playing together in Australian age group teams. Me and Jimmy Tamou smile awkwardly and discuss the quality of our meal between ourselves.
Day 4
Sheensy has us running 100m shuttles over and over for fitness, by the time the last one comes along I am on my knees power-chucking from exhaustion. I can hear some of the guys yelling out ‘bloody soft ky-wyes.’
Cameron Smith quickly gives them a stern telling off for picking on me.
Day 5
Finally some time to relax! Me and a few of the boys head out for a coffee in town, after which they head back to the hotel to play some Call of Duty on Ben Barba’s Xbox, while I decide to have a look around the shops by myself.
As I leave foot locker I spot Benji Marshall and Adam Blair walking towards me. ‘CHUR!’ I think to myself, but neither seems very happy to see me.
Benji puts his black shades on and looks the other way; I’m hurt but can’ stop admiring how cool he looks. Minutes later I receive a tweet from him reminding me that I am now ‘one of them’ and as a result should choose my side of the road more carefully next time I see them.
I take no risks and catch a taxi back to the hotel. I am deeply saddened and confide in James Tamou, but all he can tell me is that Paul Gallen will know what to do.
Day 6
I am still feeling a bit down about being snubbed by my bros, but I have to get my act together quickly.
Sheensy sets up a motivational activity where we write down one word which sums up why playing for the Kangaroos is important to us. Benny Barba jots down his daughters names, Akuila Uate follows on from his performance at the Dally M awards and writes nothing, and James Tamou writes Paul Gallen.
Day 7
Game day! As we sit in the changing rooms listening to the coaching staff rant on, Cooper Cronk picks up a vivid marker and neatly writes the words talk, run and enjoy on his wrist tape. I grab it off him and list the words to the anthem again just in case.
Time to run out onto the field. The pre-game songs pass without any drama, but at the completion I walk into position to lead the haka. I giggle and reflect on how hard old habits are to break.
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