The NRL is standing behind its controversial appointment of an evil witch to its most senior mystic’s role.
Lilith Gruntfuttock – “Filthy Lil” as she’s known to her friends and enemies – was hired in 2009 on a trial basis by then CEO David Gallop to “advise the NRL on the black arts”.
The 164-year-old crone was confirmed in the full-time NRL Mystic’s role following the mysterious death of the previous officeholder, soothsayer Crispin Dung.
Dung was found dead in his bush grotto with a toad in his throat. Cynics questioned Gruntfuttock’s potential role in his death. The police investigation was quietly dropped after 41 investigating officers died in separate freak accidents.
“We want to move forward” was the mantra at NRL HQ when they announced Filthy Lil’s promotion.
And move forward they have.
Speaking to journalists at the NRL 2013 season launch held at Sydney’s Star Casino, CEO David Smith said he felt “comfortable and relaxed” with the work that Filthy Lil was doing behind the scenes.
“She’s been great for us. It’s not easy mastering the chaotic winds of magic and bending these epic forces to the will of an individual is gruelling and time-consuming.
“Lil has successfully managed to curse three of the last four pin-up boys for our season launches. We are very pleased with those results and we expect more of the same in future.” he added.
But just who is the Official NRL Ambassador to Forces Most Foul?
We tracked down the reclusive Ms Gruntfuttock at her hovel in the sewers beneath NRL HQ in Sydney.
“EEEYYAAH! Brett Stewart was a dream to work with. Very innocent and willing to have his name sullied for all time!” she cackled.
In 2009, Filthy Lil worked with the star Manly fullback to try and establish a protocol for ruining NRL season launches and trashing the reputations of some of its brightest stars.
Stewart was the focus of the NRL’s season launch that year. His electrifying pace and try-scoring prowess were marketed heavily.
Using her foul magic Filthy Lil cursed Stewart by having him accused of a foul crime against a young girl only to be acquitted more than a year later.
The blueprint these two pioneers created was seen in action again in 2011 when Tigers superstar and New Zealand Kiwis captain Benji Marshall was drawn into huge controversy following that season’s official launch.
In the days after Marshall’s speech at the launch, he was charged with the assault of an alleged racist heckler. The case was dismissed by the judge.
“EEEH EEEH EEEH EEEEEEH! Benji is just such a lovely, warm guy. Working with him was a dream. He was willing to be guided by my evil scheme and played his part perfectly, being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Together we really took the gloss off the NRL launch that year.” she wheezed.
But she reserves special praise for the 2013 NRL pin-up, Ben Barba.
“Young Barba was the ultimate professional. So ready and willing to have his life completely ruined by my deranged plotting and subtle machinations.
“Together we arranged it so he would fall from the greatest of heights, the Dally M Player of the Year, to NRL poster boy, to despised and mistrusted target of speculation and sensationalised hype.
“To say we’ve undermined the 2013 NRL launch is an understatement. The most marketable player in the NRL might not play in the 2013 season!”
Over the years, the NRL has had to brave many pointed questions about its insistence on hiring a magician to sabotage itself.
But at the 2013 season launch, CEO Smith was on the front foot.
“Why don’t you ask the AFL about its shamans? Or Cricket Australia about their fortune teller?” he chided journalists.
The usual answers usually point to tradition. The ARL and the NSWRL before it both employed warlocks, necromancers and witch doctors to successfully bring bad luck to the code.
Who could forget the huge influence, still felt today, by Borz the Great?
The mad Russian monk and master of the arcane caused the Super League War that almost destroyed professional rugby league in Australia, by calling on evil spirits.
Now that the NRL is finally repairing the harm the Super League war caused, with rising memberships, TV viewing numbers and an ocean of cash being paid to the code, Filthy Lil hopes to one day damage the NRL to the extent of her famous predecessor .
“That’s my dream and that’s what the NRL have hired me to do.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble”, she added.
This is an entirely fictional piece and bears no resemblance whatsoever to the truth.
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