Yes, footy season starts tonight. Of course, if you follow rugby league or union, it started weeks ago, but I live in Melbourne, and according to a dictate from Channel Nine, those sports don’t actually exist.
No, it’s time for REAL footy, the indigenous game, not the imported stuff, but the footy that grew from this harsh and dusty land, out of its inhabitants’ love of wide open spaces and athletic endeavour and grabbing effeminately at each others’ jumpers.
It is the game of Barassi, of Whitten, of Brownless, of Filandia, of Kennett. And every year when it comes around, there’s electricity in the air. Or maybe that’s Dencorub. No, pretty sure it’s electricity.
It all bounces off tonight with the Adelaide Cap-Cheaters against the Essendon Syringes, and this will be a crucial clash for both clubs, as the pride of South Australia looks to get off to a flying start in its quest to finish high on the ladder and then choke horribly in the finals.
James Hird’s proud Bombers will try to begin their initially promising but ultimately underwhelming season with a misleading bang.
Every season is different, full of twists and turns and intrigue and maniacal tribunal members, but here are my predictions for what will no doubt be a fascinating 2013.
– The rules panel, following a worrying upswing in the frequency of finger injuries, introduce a rule whereby the fingers are sacrosanct. Any player seen to make reckless contact with another player’s fingers to be reported.
– Andrew Demetriou floats the idea of holding a midnight grand final, to maximise European TV audiences. Clubs protest. Compromise is reached whereby the grand final will be played at midnight in odd-numbered years and at 9am in even-numbered ones.
– Having won their first six games, Carlton will be certainties for the flag.
– Having won eight of their first nine, Hawthorn will be certainties for the flag.
– Having won a game, Richmond will be certainties for the flag.
– Eddie McGuire, outraged that Collingwood is to be forced to fly to Perth twice in six months, denounces the anti-Magpie conspiracy and demands the AFL withdraw Sydney’s cost-of-living allowance and redirect it to Collingwood’s airport-sandwiches fund.
– Kevin Sheedy announces that the next frontier for football is Lapland, and drafts three promising reindeer herders with astounding beep tests.
– Desperate for cash, Port Adelaide players form a male stripper troupe and find true friendship and a renewed sense of self-esteem. The Power sells the film rights and becomes a financial powerhouse.
– Dane Swan renegotiates his contract and succeeds in having a clause added allowing him to play while drunk and/or naked. He wins his second Brownlow.
– Swan ties for the Brownlow with Adam Goodes, who polls three votes in all four games he plays, and six in the ones he doesn’t.
– The Gold Coast Suns go through the season undefeated. Gary Ablett sets several records, including a notable performance in round 16 when nobody on the team except him gets a possession.
– Brian Taylor annoys the hell out of everyone.
– Israel Folau quits rugby mid-season and returns to the AFL, playing one game for Fremantle before quitting again and joining the Hockeyroos.
– Lance Franklin kicks fifteen goals in one game, causing the unexpected pregnancy of Bruce McAvaney.
– The revelation that players from up to fifteen clubs may have been using performance-enhancing socks sends shockwaves through the AFL. Demetriou vows that anyone found to have used illicit socks will find their football career over, and clubs lawyer up as legal experts predict they could be liable to prosecution for failing in their duty of care by allowing unqualified personnel to administer unknown socks.
Nathan Buckley denies his club has a sock problem, while several recently-retired stars come forward to admit they were present at secret socking sessions after training.
– The redevelopment of Arden Oval ends in disaster as James Brayshaw accidentally knocks down the grandstand while trying to fit his head through the doorway.
– A series of incidents of drunkenness, violence, public urination and livestock molestation forces the government’s hand, and laws are pushed through Parliament criminalising the act of being an AFL footballer. The competition goes underground, games being held in darkened backyards and remote warehouses.
Jack Riewoldt comes out of hiding to accept the Coleman medal and is shot on sight.
– The Western Bulldogs will almost continue to exist.
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