Those of you who’ve been following my journalistic career in rugby league closely – which is presumably all of you – know that I’m not only talented and integrified, I’m also unemployed.
This situation is certainly very strange but I suppose a complete lack of journalistic experience or any kind of credibility must count against me.
But not anymore.
Telstra and the ARL Commission have set up a digital media unit and are now actively hunting for 12 journalists to generate content.
As a slow-moving and succulent specimen, I am putting my paw up to be bagged and tagged in the great hunt for words about rugby league.
So far, so good but I’m a little worried that by aligning myself with this crew, I’ll be cutting off any potential future employment with the mainstream media outlets.
Indeed, the AFL’s much larger version of this has been labelled ‘Pravda’, a reference this reporter totally gets and doesn’t have time to explain to the likes of you.
They’re sometimes accused of “[providing] only favourable coverage”. I would remind the doubters that in the rugby league world, there is no such thing as ‘favourable coverage’.
Nevertheless I’ve decided to send something in to pad out my threadbare résumé. I’ve prepared a short, fictitious match report in what I presume will be the preferred style.
I’ve also included a couple of subtle product placements that I hope will ensure I’ll get published. See if you can spot them.
“Telstra Tornados Defeat Vodafone Vomit
The Telstra Tornados lived up to their reputations as great providers of unmatchable quality football last night at Telstra Stadium.
In front of tens of thousands of satisfied customers, with millions more engaged online, the Telstra team continued to leave their competitors in the dust.
The Tornados hooker delivered reliable, fast and cheap service to his forwards who continually broke new ground in their quest for satisfactory outcomes.
The outside men were a mobile net in defence, and when the time came to download the ball they showed unbelievable speed to Make it Happen™.
The Tornados halves displayed a strategic vision for the future and the speed of their decision-making showed unmatched bandwidth between their ears.
The crowd roared as the score grew like Telstra’s share price and there were more points on the board than access points to Telstra’s ultra-fast 4G mobile network.
Next week the Telstra Tornados play away in some absolute garbage pit that the Optus Secondrates call their home.
Most footy experts are calling this the mismatch of the century and won’t be able to report live on the match thanks to the ground being a reception black hole.
Buy Telstra products and services today.”
Did you spot my clever placement?
That’s right, in the sixth paragraph I mentioned The Roar.
You’ve got to be a bit clever to get ahead in this game.
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