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There are times when I wish that James Sutherland would take a quick look at his business card. If he did, he would notice that it says “James Sutherland, chief executive officer, Cricket Australia”.
It’s the last word of that title that I’d quite like James to focus on: Australia. As in, this nation right here. Down under. The Great Southern Land. The sunburnt country. Northwest New Zealand.
Mr Sutherland has been tasked with the curation of Australia’s cricketing fortunes, but judging by this story, someone needs to inform him of the fact, because he doesn’t seem to have noticed.
Apparently he has “taken the moral high ground” in declaring that Australia would not be ordering its groundsmen to doctor the pitches to suit the home team in this Ashes series. Which is all very noble and admirable of him, and will no doubt earn the Australian team the prestigious Moral High Ground Cup at the end of the series.
What’s that? There is no Moral High Ground Cup? Oh that’s right!
This is one of those series where you can only win by, you know, winning!
And winning means doing whatever it takes to get an advantage on the hated enemy. I’m not saying we should cheat, I’m just begging that we don’t take cheating completely off the table so early in the process.
Have an open mind, for god’s sake.
As we saw in England earlier this year, Australia’s opposition has no qualms about doctoring pitches, or staying in the middle after smashing the ball straight to slip, or being mean to nice young men about to reach a century, or just generally being irritating people.
And it worked! They won, so why can’t we learn from their example?
When the West Indians kept thrashing us in the 80s, nobody decided that having numerous terrifying fast bowlers and devastatingly aggressive batting geniuses was unsportsmanlike: why then, when England thrashes us, do we decide that preparing pitches to suit ourselves is?
I beseech Sutherland and Cricket Australia to reconsider, and give very serious thought to a program of pitch-doctoring to neuter the Poms and boost the baggy greens this summer.
Now obviously it’s not as simple as that. If we prepare spinning pitches, that plays into Graeme Swann’s hands.
And if we prepare seaming pitches, that plays into Stuart Broad and James Anderson’s hands.
And if we prepare flawless batting pitches, that plays into all their batsmen’s hands.
So we need to think outside the box here, to find a way to prepare pitches that can completely avoid the risk of hand-playing-into.
Here are some free suggestions, I offer to Mr Sutherland:
Bumpers
Bowling alleys provide the option of having bumper rails rise up at the side of the lane so that younger bowlers can have a go without fearing gutter balls.
Why not install a similar system in cricket pitches, allowing fences to rise at the pitch’s edge when Australia is bowling? Imagine how lethal Mitchell Johnson will be when he fires a wild wide down legside, only to have it ricochet viciously back into Kevin Pietersen’s groin!
Wombats
Why not embrace our natural heritage and incorporate our unique native wildlife into our sporting culture, by installing a series of wombat burrows in our Test pitches?
England’s finest will find it hard to keep their minds on the job with these mischievous furry pals wandering out of their holes just short of a length! (Note: can also be adapted to include bandicoots, echidnas and so on).
Rubber
I think it was WG Grace who first said, “Rubber is the great equaliser”, and gosh he was right. England’s much-vaunted “skills” won’t look so impressive when they have to bat on pitches made entirely of rubber.
Watch that Kookaburra fly!
Grease
This innovation will be very useful for Australian batsmen: when an Australian innings starts, the groundsmen will simply spread a thick layer of grease on the bowler’s landing zone, causing each England bowler to slip and fall and hopefully tear vital muscles when they try to deliver the ball.
Breathe a sigh of relief, Watto – they can’t get you leg-before when they’re lying on the ground screaming in pain!
Spikes
Basically,this is where you have motorised spikes that rise up and stick into England players’ feet.
Feel free to add your own suggestions, James, but for the love of God, man: let’s start competing!