Sporting scandal, stupidity and hilarity are routine yet never tiresome. Presented here is part two of some of Australia’s most treasured moments from a proud, distinguished (yet also sometimes inglorious) sporting history.
The mid-2000s West Coast Eagles were the embodiment of both the sporting and recreational interpretations of ‘white line fever’.
Rumours of drug and alcohol abuse plagued the side yet they remained the league’s most dominant and feared team. Only months after claiming the league’s award for best player, Eagles’ captain Ben Cousins ditched both his Mercedes-Benz and girlfriend in the middle lane of a Perth highway to avoid a booze bus.
His night-time escapade was reported by The Age to have included ‘running through backyards, jumping fences, swimming out to the middle of the river and back, and running up to the Blue Water Grill to demand a phone call and deny his true identity.’
In its aftermath Cousins relinquished his captaincy to the clean-living Chris Judd. Unperturbed by the incident, however, the Eagles went on to claim the 2006 premiership.
In acknowledgement of the heroics of Cousins’ evasion of police the ‘Ben Cousins Biathlon’ was proposed in 2010 that would supposedly have celebrated the sporting aspects of the evening rather than recreation of Cousins’ well documented feats of substance abuse.
Eric Clapton was too preoccupied with his own substance abuse (and occasionally song writing) to ever make much of a sportsman. However his hit ‘Lay Down Sally’ was to provide unofficial soundtrack to one of Australia’s greatest examples of our ‘if it’s too hard, stuff it’ national attitude.
In the final of the Women’s Eight rowing at the 2004 Athens Olympics, Australia finished last after displaying initial competitiveness. Crossing the line well behind the remainder of the competing boats a very perceptive commentator suggested ‘something went wrong there’.
That ‘something’ was Sally Robbins who, after ceasing rowing, rather adorably rested her weary head in a teammates’ lap. Now I don’t profess to be at all knowledgeable of rowing but surely she could have feigned working in the great Australian tradition of bludging.
Australia’s final 1997 World Cup qualifying match would inarguably be serial pest Peter Hore’s finest performance art piece. Before a jubilant audience of 85,000 at the MCG, the home side were leading Iran 2-0 and seemingly coasting to a berth in the following year’s World Cup tournament.
Hore, sensing the opportune moment, invaded the pitch proceeding to climb about the Iranian goal’s netting. Later rationalised as symbolising the confinement of caged animals, Hore was caught and led from the ground.
The near-capacity crowd was incensed, resembling its own mass of liberated beasts as Hore was vehemently abused, threatened and showered with cups of exorbitantly priced beer.
Subsequently the Australian team would not breach the sanctity of the Iranian goal again during the match, possibly out of respect for Hore’s lamentation of incarcerated non-human species.
Not noted for its own animal protection, Iran however proceeded to kick two goals and Australia failed to qualify. Subsequent interviewing of Hore would only bring about questioning of his own sentience and/or need to be locked up.
All this scandal and despicability necessitates a good luck story to redress the imbalance: its scene was the religious centre of Salt Lake City, a town founded on the Mormon faith. But whereas religious miracles tend to indulge healings, the restoration of life or the accumulating of up to 40 wives, this divine occurrence would transpire at the 2002 Winter Olympics.
Australian speed skater Steve Bradbury reached the finals of the 1000m after benefitting from both a disqualification and the crashing of three competitors in his preceding races.
Easily trailing the field on the final’s last lap, the Aussie’s already incredible good fortune transmuted into unquestionable divine intervention. Leading the field, skaters representing China and the USA gave possible exhibition of our geopolitical future, engaging in a tussle causing the remainder of the competitors to crash out on the last corner.
In eye-watering full green lycra accompanied by a bright yellow helmet Bradbury resembled a grinning daffodil as he innocently sauntered by the prostrate skaters to claim the gold medal.
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