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If you want to know who’s going to be crowned the NBA Champions for this season then I have bad news for you; I don’t have the answer.
I do have approximate knowledge of many things however, which at this point is the best you’re going to get… so enjoy.
#1 Golden State Wa33io3s against the #8 New Orleans Hornets Pelicans
I’ve been hearing a lot of talk from my friends (strangers from online message boards) that the Splash brothers and co. “can’t stay hot forever” or that “jump shot teams don’t win in the playoffs” I’m here to tell you not to listen to those 100 per cent (possibly) true quotes and take Golden State in five games.
Now I’m as happy as anyone that Davis’ 35 foot arm span and size 24 shoes (could actually be true) squeaked into the playoffs, but unfortunately for them they’re going to have to try and get past a healthy, I repeat healthy Andrew Bogut and Draymond ‘cool story Glenn’ Green.
Will those two be able to keep Anthony Davis below 20 points a game? Probably not, but unless you’re about to start relying on Quincy Pondexter to do more than just… exist, he’s going to have to keep shooting the ball.
On the plus side for Davis is that he should be fresh as a result of not having to defend all night seeing as though the Warriors just have to be on the court to be in shooting range (although Steve Kerr might have something to say about that).
Curry and Thompson hit, in layman’s terms, a shit ton of threes this year and expect nothing less this playoff season.
The ‘Cans will take out a game at home when the Warriors oversleep and miss game three entirely but apart from that little blip on the radar it’ll be a high scoring affair for one team and a less high scoring affair for the other.
#2 Houston ‘try spelling our European guys’ names’ Rockets against the #7 Dallas ‘insert Mark Cuban fine here’ Mavericks.
Now sure, the Rockets have MVP candidate James Harden’s beard, former Defensive Player of the Year Dwight ‘I make more kids a year than free throws’ Howard, and an assortment guys who can shoot the three ball (plus Josh ‘please god don’t shoot’ Smith) but the Mavericks, my Mavericks, have the most efficient offence in the league… Oh wait that was before we traded for a point guard that shoots free throws worse than me at 4am after my cricket team wins the grand final.
Despite this, with no bias involved at all I’m taking the Mavs in seven because I will never not believe in Dirk and his fifth highest paid player in the starting line-up contract.
Tyson Chandler may have to defend like he’s Mr Fantastic and I’m pretty sure we’re going to see the hack-a-half-the-players-on-the-court strategy implemented sometime in the third quarter but overall it should be a nail biter of a series because who doesn’t like seeing a free throw shooting contest?
In the end the Mavs will come out on top because James Harden lives life by one simple rule, “I don’t play defence” – Bill Murray.
Added story-lines to come out of this series include:
– “What is James Harden really hiding behind that beard?”
– “Rumoured: Charlie Villanuvea to star in Fast and Furious 8 as ‘obligatory bald dude.’
– And “Mavericks point guard calls out obscure Australian blogger to a drunken free throw contest.”
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