So let’s imagine for a minute we have obtained ‘exclusive’ audio from today’s AFL Brownlow medal meeting as preparations are finalised for next Monday’s TV extravaganza.
Attendees include CEO Gillon McLachlan, AFL football operations manager Mark Evans, media relations manager Patrick Keane and host Bruce McAvaney. The transcript of the meeting is intriguing stuff.
McLachlan: “Gents, welcome. Despite the very real risk of 45,000 Western Australian infiltrating our great state and the VFL, uh AFL, competition next weekend, let’s focus on what really matters, the 2015 Brownlow Medal. Patrick, can you give us the rundown?”
Keane: “Sir, the night is set. We have the red carpet, have split the night into bite-sized chunks and managed to stretch 45 minutes of action over three hours to fit in as many advertisements as possible.”
McLachlan: “Excellent. Mark, are plans in place to ensure all of the favourites will be in the room. I mean, the fact that we continually have to cross to half-interested venues during the night most years as the front runners are from interstate teams preparing for the grand final is becoming draining and takes away from the night. Do you know difficult it is to make a meaningful toast with a two-second delay?!.”
Evans: “Um, well, Gil the thing is that the a majority of the favourites are from teams still competing and three of them are from the Western Australia teams. There is a very real chance the winner will be sitting on the other side of the country, and we will need to cross to them over and over again to have them spin out the company line of enjoying the night when they would rather be at home preparing for the real prize ahead of them.
“I mean, if Matt Priddis wins again not only could he be sitting in a room talking to us via video link, he could be presenting the medal to himself.”
McLachlan (quietly): “So who do we think is a chance to win, and be in the room? Todd Goldstein?”
Evans: “Ruckmen don’t normally poll well Gil. I mean Dean Cox was the best ruckman we have seen in 30 years and he never polled more than 12 votes. I know Toddy had a great year, but he is not winning the medal.”
McLachlan: “Sam Mitchell?”
Evans: “a real chance. Luckily he only lifted his knees into the opposition twice so avoided an embarrassing suspension and would be a worthy winner.”
McLachlan: “Super, so there is a glimmer or hope. Anyone else?”
McAvaney: “Paddy Dangerfield, he is SPECIAL and has had a fantastic year!”
McLachlan: “Thanks Bruce, that’s great. Now on Paddy, is he still sticking to the plan of only announcing he is going to Geelong after the Brownlow despite having decided in April? I mean, we wouldn’t want the AFL integrity unit to have to get involved in how this decision has been made now, would we?”
Keane: “The same unit that is still up to its ears in Operation ‘Luke Hodge is a really, really good bloke’ and praying that he doesn’t put us in a very uncomfortable position with an act of stupidity this weekend?”
McLachlan: “Yeah that’s them. As long as Paddy doesn’t say a thing or create an uncomfortable environment on the night he would be a worthy winner. I mean, he has polled 20-plus votes the last three seasons and has never been better! I am on the Paddy Train”
(Knock at the door, McLachlan’s assistant enters and whispers something to the CEO. McLachlan nods, ashen faced.)
McLachlan: “So Dangerfield has just announced he is leaving the Crows, and going to Geelong. Did my calendar get stuck, or is this announcement a week or two early? I will call him later and demand an explanation! What f**king table do we put him on?”
Keane (interjecting): “So on the entertainment, James Blunt has confirmed and will provide the AFL with a performer unlike anything it has seen since Meatloaf. As long as he turns up and doesn’t wheel in his own corpse like the ‘Loaf did a few years back, then we should be fine. Boss, no asking to sing a duet with him this time, okay?”
McLachlan: “Hey, the guy is a musical God and we connected many years back! Jimmy is someone of whom I am in awe! Speaking of being in awe of someone, has Adam Goodes accepted our invitation for a video tribute?”
Evans: “Well this comes as a shock to us but Adam has advised he doesn’t want it to be about him, which caught us totally off guard. So the retiring players montage will include Andrew Carrazzo dressed up as an umpire, Colin Sylvia doing a quick speech about getting the most of of your ability and Chris Newman.”
McLachlan: “Who? Newman? From Seinfeld? Spare me… please speak to Adam again, and make it all about him so he attends. We can’t afford to be paying tribute to solid citizens, we need the big guns!
“Patrick, onto the fillers. Have you got enough montages of ex-players and commentators making generic and meaningless statements about games that didn’t matter and a panel of media types who will do the impossible and attempt to guess where umpires will give votes throughout the year?”
Keane: “Actually, we need another five-minute filler. We have the marks and goals of the year but really need something more. Perhaps a player who doesn’t get enough publicity but has captured our imag–”
McAvaney (interrupting): “How about CYRIL! Oh boy he is something that guy, what a special player. He brings people through the gate and does things we have NEVER seen before! Don’t tell me he’s flashy, don’t tell me he didn’t deserve his All-Australian, just tell me I will get to interview him ON STAGE!”
McLachlan: “Cyril sounds like a winner, maybe get BT to do a voice-over as well. That will do the job. Anything else gents? If not, this meeting is done and if you excuse me I need to make a phone call.”
McLachlan (makes a call and fades out): “Paddy, it’s Gil… mate, what the hell are you doing? Where are we going to sit you on Monday night now?!”
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