After last year’s debacle, the organising committee for the A-League fashion awards needed to come up with something extra special to rescue the show from oblivion.
Looking around the current crop of popular programs it came down to a choice between a cooking-themed show and a renovation program.
Since watching a couple of glammed-up contestants shop at Mitre 10 seemed a mind-numbing idea it was decided that the cooking theme would work the best. The end product would have a twist – it would feature the iconic Aussie dessert, the pavlova.
This is how it will work. Each of the five judges, Adam Peacock, Tara Rushton, Mark Bosnich, Kim Kardashian and Maggie Beer, will be issued with a supply of pavlovas. If they don’t like the jersey they throw a pav at the player modelling the kit. Five pavs means a shocking kit, zero pavs means a brilliant one.
Newcastle Jets
Historically, the unveiling of a Jets jersey is met with the same trepidation as one of their players opening their pay packet – you never know what you are going to get.
The first post-Nathan Tinkler kit has gone back to a solid medium blue. Very working class, just like the town itself. What’s more, after 11 seasons someone has finally figured out that nobody else was wearing an all-medium blue kit.
Pav Count: 2
Brisbane Roar
It’s hard to beat the old orange isn’t it? And those black shorts give the kit some added oomph. One pavlova for Brisbane but don’t worry Roar fans, it’s only a virtual pav. Brisbane have been given special dispensation this year due to their ongoing financial issues with the local Laundromat.
Pav Count: 1
Perth Glory
What shade of purple for the Glory? Pale like a jacaranda or a stodgy dark-bluish imitation of the Fremantle Dockers? Why not something left-field like the colour on the inside of your eyelids after a night on the tiles? And what about the collar, usually the most neglected part of the Glory kit?
This year’s all purple offering is a reasonable shade although not completely eye popping. They haven’t let us down with the collar either. It resembles a seagull about to discharge on a fan.
Pav Count: 2.5
Adelaide United
The dominant design element of Adelaide’s otherwise all-red kit is a bulky-looking yellow v-neck. It reminds me of the ribbons from the medals I used to get at school sports carnivals inscribed with ‘tried hard’ or ‘participation’.
The other very subtle design element is the thin blue stripes that give the impression that all the players have a six-pack. Pity they didn’t have this when Romario was playing for them.
Pav Count: 3, for not ‘trying hard’ enough.
Melbourne Victory
The brochures refer to the new shade for Melbourne Victory’s jersey as ‘arthouse/funk/midnight jazz’. Perr-lease! The old dark blue was just fine. This one looks more outhouse than arthouse. With the dazzling array of symbols on the front, the once proud white ‘V’ now resembles an open hardback copy of ‘The Insights of Holger Osieck’.
Victory kit designers: ‘V’ also stands for Viagra – this jersey could do with some.
Pav Count: 3.5
Melbourne City
The Melbourne City predominately white kit has the distinct advantage of being able to absorb most of the egg-white and cream from the pavlovas. Still, there is not enough red to bring back the lost millions of Heart fans.
Okay, there is that sheep in a sling on the badge, presumably en-route to the abattoir – plenty of potential red there, but it really needs something more. Red numbers would be a start as those sky blue ones are bloody hard to read.
Pav Count: 3 (strawberry pavs)
Wellington Phoenix
One of the first life lessons my father taught me was that pinstripes were a sign of weakness and should only be used by sporting teams that were full of their own importance. This wisdom has never been passed on to the Pheonix kit designers who have ditched their perfectly acceptable thick stripes from last year.
The judges also passed comment on the big red splodge of a sponsor’s logo in the middle of their chests. Next time you hear a commentator say ‘he went down like he was hit by a sniper’ and it is a Wellington player, it might make you stop and take notice.
Pav Count: 4
Sydney FC
Sydney’s kit for this season is a very eye-catching Uruguayan shade of sky blue. But what happened to the pinstripes? The pinstripes represented all that was good about Sydney; the big end of town, the shady business deals, exploitation. It reminded us that Sydney FC’s fans were once so cultured they wrote their banners in Cyrillic. The day they play “Working Class Man” as their theme song is the day this scribe will support the Wanderers.
Pav Count: 2.5
Western Sydney Wanderers
The Wanderers have again nominated a fetching red and black hooped combo that has the judges eating rather than throwing their pavlovas. They have made two subtle changes that have improved what was already a good kit.
One is the red band on top of the black socks. The other is that little golden star on the chest. This is in honour of their Asian Champions League title and I think the star thing could really catch on. If they were given out for premierships, championships and FFA Cup winners, some of our clubs might end up with more chest adornments than a North Korean general.
Pav Count: 1
Central Coast Mariners
Oh my goodness, what kind of a wardrobe malfunction is this?
Poor Kim almost fainted away at the sight of what she thought was a giant blue tarantula but when she came to, it was explained that the Mariners’ jersey has come pre-pavved with blueberry. And the arrogance of the Coast folk to award themselves only one! I can see the judges preparing now: mango, kiwi fruit, pineapple, strawberry and passionfruit. This might get ugly.
Pav Count: 5
Here are the judges’ final rankings (worst to best):
10. Central Coast
9. Wellington
8. Melbourne Victory
7. Adelaide
6. Melbourne City
5. Perth
4. Sydney FC
3. Newcastle
2. Brisbane
1. Western Sydney
That brings us to the end of the evening. I hope you enjoyed the show.
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