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The Central Coast Mariners might have 9958 problems, but generating publicity through Usain Bolt is certainly not one of them.
We learnt at least one thing on Friday night. For all the wisecracks about the standard of the A-League, it’s clear not just anyone can waltz in and succeed.
Bolt wore number 95 on his back to pay homage to his 100-metre world record time of 9.58 seconds, and precisely 9958 fans filed through the gates to watch the former Olympic champion in action. How convenient!
There’s only one problem. Bolt can’t play.
He’s about as useful on an A-League pitch as I would be if I whipped off the specs and laced up the boots for the first time in 20 years.
But we can’t sit here and bag the Mariners for thinking outside the box when they finished bottom of the table and apparently only bettered Friday night’s crowd in Gosford once last season – in a derby against the Jets back in Round 1.
Will the Mariners persevere with a bloke whose playing style currently resembles Bambi on ice? Who knows?
But if it helps them sell a few more tickets and sign a few more sponsors this season, then we can’t blame them for trying.
What has been largely lost amid the Bolt frenzy is the fact that most of the clubs in the league have signed foreign players with some serious pedigree.
That includes – it goes without saying – Melbourne Victory’s beguiling Japanese superstar Keisuke Honda.
And after months of hand-wringing over the departures of Besart Berisha and Leroy George, defending champions Victory somehow look even stronger – on paper, at least – than they did last season.
That’s because they’ve gone and signed not only Honda, but also ex-Stuttgart stalwart Georg Niedermeier, Swedish international Ola Toivonen and tough-tackling Spanish midfielder Raul Baena.
What squad crisis?
(Photo by Kaz Photography/Getty Images)
And if the likes of Niedermeier and Toivonen are seasoned European professionals, then so too are Sydney FC’s new trio Adam le Fondre, Jop van der Linden and, in particular, former Ajax midfielder Siem de Jong.
And the Sky Blues will need them. Not only because they’ve lost last season’s star duo Bobo and Adrian Mierzejewski, but also because like their crosstown rivals the Wanderers, Sydney FC are temporarily homeless for the next couple of years.
The Wanderers are an example of what happens when you not only lose your home ground – the new Western Sydney Stadium can’t open quickly enough – but fail to play entertaining football while you’re at it.
That might explain why they’ve gone and signed one-time Bundesliga wunderkind Alexander Baumjohann.
The talented but temperamental German midfielder has had a stop-start career in his homeland, but he’s undoubtedly got the technique to do some damage in the A-League, and signing fellow German Patrick Ziegler – who’s actually eligible to play for the Socceroos – will probably help.
Meanwhile, Ken Ilso and Mirko Boland have joined Adelaide United, Brisbane Roar have picked up Danish winger Tobias Mikkelsen, the Mariners have signed an import who can actually play in Kalifa Cisse, and even Wellington Phoenix have joined the party by recruiting former Newcastle United cult hero Steven Taylor.
Indeed, the only club who should probably have the riot act read to them is Melbourne City.
They’ve added French midfielder Florin Berenguer and Scottish striker Michael O’Halloran. And while City will point to previous success with the likes of current star Bruno Fornaroli and former loan signing Ross McCormack, they really should be challenging Victory and bringing in a marquee player of their own.
On-selling the best A-League talent like Aaron Mooy and Daniel Arzani is one thing, but claiming there’s no return on investment in signing marquees makes the City Football Group look cheap.
Still, if City are happy to be second best to Victory, that’s their business.
They could always give Usain Bolt a call. He’d be there quick as a flash – just as long as there’s not a football at his feet.