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The worst decision Rugby Australia could make for the Wallabies in 2023 would be to hire Eddie Jones as their headman.
As he grows into the role, pet projects will eclipse methodology, assistants will run for the exits, some players will be vaccinated from selection and others will be immune from the drop, the press will be either domesticated or ostracised, and interminable excuses will grow like beets in the Lockyer Valley – “We’re building for 2027, mate.”
If Australia has struggled with having enough tight forwards of world class, Eddie would be the wrong coach to look to.
If referee management is key, a coach who continues to select Owen Farrell as his ref growler is not the one.
If Australia is battling for hearts and minds in a crowded sports entertainment market, an increasingly grumpy media-basher is not necessarily a smart play.
In his autobiography “My Life and Rugby” Eddie begins with a prologue on beating South Africa in 2015 with Japan, “the country that gave me the chance to return to international rugby at my lowest point.” His last chapter tells of losing to those Springboks in Japan four years later.
He writes as he speaks, without the suffix ‘mate.’
He is resplendent in contradiction within a page. “We had prepared for the unexpected” and “ready for anything” is not far from his matter of fact “we had just two scrumhalves in our squad.”
Eddie Jones, the England head coach looks on during the Autumn International match between England and South Africa at Twickenham. (Photo by David Rogers/Getty Images)
Just a few pages from his “I often talk about making myself redundant” he proclaims the loss in the final caused by his decisions, alone.
His tale is the story of the underdog. Portraying himself as overcoming injustice, forever underestimated, the hungry outsider, Eddie dons the hairshirt of the rugby rebel insurgent.
Yet he holds the ultimate insider job at Rugby HQ, a longer gig than any other, swimming in resources and sleeping on a bed made of money.
Booed at Twickenham for his team’s listless capitulation to a typically brutal incarnation of the Boks last weekend, Eddie seemed almost happy to be under attack.
The pugnacity ratio of his answers in the press conference rose. Glum Owen Farrell was reduced to mere onlooker. Redundancy be damned.
The thread of South African rugby runs through Eddie’s rugby saga. He did not wear a Bok blazer in 2007 in Paris for the closest touch he has had with the Cup he has done as much as anyone to exalt into rugby’s only Holy Grail. He had an honorary tracksuit, as a backline attack consultant to a team which won a turgid match against England devoid of tries.
His signature upset win in Brighton (“This is why we do it. This is when we are most alive. This is it.”) echoes in his story.
Facing the Boks is on the one hand deeply ominous for him (“South Africa are the most brutal opposition”) and on the other, strangely surprised when they do something new (“inside the first five minutes, South Africa have run further than they did in the semi-final against Wales.”)
In the end, he defaults to: “For some unknown reason we’re just not clicking. Some days are like this and we don’t know the reason.”
This is almost precisely what Eddie said this weekend. “There are just days like this, mate. We lost the scrums. There’s no way to know that beforehand.”
Only actually, there is a way. There is a reason. He bemoaned the early loss of Kyle Sinckler, but downplayed the Boks losing Lood de Jager and Bongi Mbonambi at 3-3, explaining “The Boks have a 6-2 split … and their pack is now even more formidable.”
These are not rare events: replacing a prop or lock. It happens every Test. A Bok Test almost always turns on set piece reinforcements.
As Eddie writes only a few sentences later: “I should have chosen Joe Marler ahead of Mako.” He quotes French prop Marc dal Maso: “No scrum, no life.”
Yet there was Mako Vunipola at Twickenham turning into Koma Polavuni against the same “beefy loosehead prop Frans Malherbe” (not even bothering in his book to get Malherbe’s actual position right).
If the Twickers DJ was tired of playing other outdated music and misguided gospel hymns, he might have used that song by Diana Ross to describe Mako being made into a taco: “Upside down, boy, you turn me, inside out, and round and round.”
Where are the younger scrumming props? Bevan Rodd has two caps. He might have more. Joe Heyes has seven. Eddie had three years to solve the challenge of South Africa’s scrum. He even hired the Bok scrum coach.
He seems no closer to doing it now than in Yokohama. Meanwhile, Jack van Poortvliet was fed to the All Black and Bok loose wolves instead of having a proper apprenticeship in Australia.
After the loss in Japan in 2019, 4-win England won the 2020 Six Nations ahead of 4-win France by having a 23-point difference advantage, scoring 14 tries (5 against Italy).
In 2021, England finished fifth, won two matches, was minus-9 on points, and scored 12 tries (six against Italy).
In 2022, England won two again, scoring only 8 tries (5 against Italy). If Italy were not in the tournament, Eddie’s team try total would be 1.5 a game for the last three years; one a Test for two years.
Now, after an Autumn Series in which Home Nations explored home truths, England has only beaten Japan at Twickers.
The final match against a Bok team missing as many as nine of first choice 23 was over with 25 minutes to go; patrons left despite spending three or four hundred pounds for the day. A margin of three converted tries was only chipped into with the aid of a red card and the Test ended with the Boks’ fourth string flyhalf botching a kick to the corner for a salt-rub into Eddie’s wounds.
A review has been ordered, again. The last review, in 2021, had a secret panel “informed by feedback from players, coaches (past and present) and support staff as well as detailed presentations from Eddie Jones” and confirmed RFU’s “full support and backing of Eddie Jones as Head Coach, while recognising a sub-optimal campaign and the factors that contributed to it.”
The factors? COVID-related absences of assistant coaches Aussie League man Jason Ryles (still absent, as he is with the Roosters) and AFL skills coach Neil Craig (still with Eddie), fatigued players and limited squad size. This is rich.
From 2016 to 2021, Eddie named 173 different players but only capped 100. Eddie has said hello and goodbye to Paul Gustard, John Mitchell, Scott Wisemantel, Simon Amor, Steve Borthwick, Neal Hatley, Rory Teague, Sam Vesty, Ryles, Glen Ella, and Ed Robinson. A common theme is he lost the strongest minded and most honest aides and is now surrounded by yes men.
If Australia is tired of Wallaby penalties, steer clear of Eddie-fication.
England’s 2021 high penalty count —mostly at the breakdown —was blamed on a lack of “lower body strength” and poor skills. That’s code for “we just don’t know the reason.”
The RFU recommended “enhanced sports psychology and programmatic leadership development.”
So much for Eddie being redundant.
He is clearly a tactician with great skills in the boardroom. A limited engagement “beat this one team” consultant par excellence. The long intimacy of cloakroom diplomacy, chopping a pet, and negotiating hard selection meetings with proud head coaches willing to be wingmen for a country: not his forte.
He famously confessed he “stayed on too long” in Australia in after losing a World Cup final. “I won’t make that mistake again,” he told Lawrence Dallaglio.
And yet here he is, being booed off the cabbage patch. Australia, don’t buy this medicine. Let America make him great again.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.