In a shocking prediction which will shock absolutely no one, the first half of the Panthers vs Rabbitohs match and the entirety of the Knights vs Tigers match was enough to show there’ll be some almighty blowouts this year.
There’s little point in weaker teams showing up if the Panthers and Bunnies play at that pace and intensity – and it’s only Round 2.
Fortunately, on-field performance rarely affects memorable moments so let’s get at it.
1. Raiders (last round – second)
Health inspectors have called for urgent testing of the Canberra drinking water as, in contrast to over 20 years consistent form as a head coach, Ricky Stuart acknowledged that the Raiders had failed to convert opportunities to win.
This shocking development has passionate league supporters deeply concerned and a GoFundMe has been established to help find the real Ricky. Validating medical services in the game, Corey Harawira-Naera’s HIA confirmed an ankle injury.
2. Eels (last round – third)
The decision to have Bryce Cartwright mentor the left-edge defence looks like a work in progress and the Eels have now lost two straight against likely top-four teams. This of course means the premiership window has well and truly closed while Brad Arthur is enjoying the full support of the board. In positive news, Ryan Matterson maintained his Round 1 form.
3. Panthers (last round – eighth)
Incensed by the amount of attention directed to Tom Trbojevic, Nathan Cleary handed over his beer before focussing attention on his groin. Well, the injury was his groin in the same way that the stomach bone connects to the foot bone, but Brad Fittler’s explanation of doing hip thrusts to correct an ankle injury clarified gaps in our high school biology.
Keeping with the high school theme, special credit for the social media post of Jarome Luai strangling Jaemon Salmon: a genuinely funny response to some silly reporting.
4. Dolphins (last round – first)
Following footage of the Round 1 media engagements, Dolphins administrators attended urgent meetings with officials from the RSPCA. It’s a dangerous sign when punters are eagerly looking forward to the post-match presser but NRL views on YouTube have skyrocketed since Wayne Bennett’s been back.
The club has since released a statement assuring welfare groups that no journalists were harmed during filming.
5. Broncos (last round – fouth)
Powerful insights this week into the Broncos’ pathways system. Following the success of sending Reece Walsh to the Warriors for development, Brisbane attempted the same with David Fifita following his breakout one-break-in-one-game last round. The Broncos have every right to feel frustrated: they are entitled to expect their Gold Coast feeder club to release the player they didn’t want back to them after his compelling 2022 season.
In other news, Kevvie’s pre-match insight that Reece Walsh is a footballer leaves us curious about the other 16. The team also played a blinder, which is irrelevant for this column.
6. Dragons (Last round – 9th)
The Dragons went and ruined my prepared notes by playing entertaining attacking footy, placing Hook just one win away from negotiating a contract extension. Reports from the field suggest the team song has changed to My Sharona. Originally a tribute to on-field mascot Aaron Woods, notably absent from the weekend’s victory, it was later revealed that the 2022 tactics were conceived the same year (1979 for the Googlers).
7. Sharks (Last round – 17th)
Despite a come-from-behind victory in a highly entertaining game against last year’s grand finalists, the kiss of death has been loudly and wetly smooched: Mitchell Moses had a good game. As we are frequently reminded, Moses doesn’t lace up for the big games, which means the Sharks must sit in a far less flattering category. The good news: Mitchell didn’t ice it, rendering the Sharks only 50% less flattering.
8. Roosters (Last round – 7th)
Roosters conspiracy theorists will be thrilled that the unacceptable incident targeting Latrell Mitchell somehow became all about Trent Robinson. It’s great to see the Roosters getting so much coverage over an incident that didn’t involve them. Our best wishes to Trent for a speedy recovery.
(Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
9. Cowboys (Last round – 10th)
With JT13 channelling JT2016 early, the Cowboys looked ominous before changing it up and turning in a comprehensively Forrest Gump of a performance. This had everything from those fantastic gooey soft centres that everyone scrambles for through to those nasty nutty ones that are only useful for flicking at the gapping face chasm of your snoring aunty. Meanwhile, the club doctor has prescribed tranquilisers for Todd Payten until team performances stabilise.
10. Knights (Last round – 6th)
AOB has turned the coaching corner by preparing a team that played so poorly as to have no right to win yet still managed to claim the cookies. This was a demonstration of O’Brien’s Roosters coaching pedigree, the very reason he was brought to the club. Looking to a career post-NRL, Jackson Hastings has applied to be the Director of Culture & Wellbeing at the Tigers.
11. Storm (Last round – 11th)
Administrators are desperately re-writing the Coaching Master Handbook as a Craig Bellamy half-time spray failed to ignite a second half revival. Watching the Storm just isn’t the same without assistant coaches dodging flying furniture in the coaching box and players in life vests struggling under a flood of spittle. Hopefully Bellamy comes back to form soon. In other news, the NRL accounts are worried about revenue deficiencies with Nelson now 2 weeks without a fine.
12. West Tigers (Last round – 15th)
Change is inconvenient and painful, so the Tigers are committed to keeping their fans comfortable by maintaining their 2022 form. It’s legitimately hard to sustain so may weeks of attacking impotence and the team should be commended for their commitment. Hollywood has reached out to Luke Brooks to reprise Russell Crowe’s role in the movie A Beautiful Mind. The offer follows Brooks’ efforts running in a geometrically perfect circle when attacking in the final moments of the match.
13. Titans (Last round – 13th)
Timely return to form for the Titans who showed they have some fantastic attacking weapons, but defence remains optional. Marque player David Fifita paced himself for the full 80 minutes, returning a performance suitable for a player whose future is now secure. We were also informed that Keiran Foran bought a house, great news for those wondering what he was living in.
14. Bulldogs (Last round – 12th)
In the space of 1 round the Doggies moved from ‘the experiment has failed’ to ‘Ciraldo early favourite for coach of the year’. Cameron Ciraldo, the coaches and playing group seem a composed, respectful and genuinely likeable bunch. Fortunately, they have Gus Gould and the return of Tevita Pangai Jnr to keep us entertained.
15. Warriors (Last round – 14th)
The Warriors are fighting hard to get back to their ‘everyone’s second team’ status, earned by taking a hit for the team during COVID but now being pursued by turning in solid, professional performances against more fancied opposition. It just doesn’t give us much to talk about.
16. Sea Eagles (Last round – 5th)
Disappointing effort from the World Pride Eagles as they chalked up two points but otherwise stayed completely away from the headlines. You can do better lads.
Bye – Rabbitohs (Last round – 16th)
Hard to say anything (vaguely) witty without appearing in bad taste given this week, so let’s award the Bunnies a bye from Memorable Moments.
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