A grateful and somewhat surprised thank you, to all those suffering through another edition of memorable moments meter.

We’ve now had three rounds of genuinely engaging footy with even the rubbish games offering entertainment, even if it’s that’s smug self-satisfied feeling of being able to say ‘thank (insert relevant religious or non-religious deity) it’s not my team’.

Footy is well and truly the winner; a great saying that means absolutely nothing but is very much in keeping with the theme of this series.

Round 3 was vindication of the wise decision to extend a coaching contract after a couple of games, regardless of results. No sooner were the contracts signed than all three teams (technically it’s only two but I’m including Todd Payten because why not) conspired to provide us with 2.9 games of losing footy.

This proved the speculation that the coaches had lost the change room, even though we see them in the change room at half time every week so they can’t have lost it. Even if they did lose it, surely they’d just send an assistant coach to find it, which might be why there are so many of them.

The 0.1 winning game came when Kevvie Walters agreed to invite the boys to his sign-on party. Little did they know it was XXXX and Schweppes shandies served by Alfie Langer, Grange served by Ben Ikin and Gordon Tallis was cancelled when the grapes were sour.

1. Dragons (Last round – 6th)

The Dragons unleashed a bold new tactic, Blake Lawrie running for metres through the middle. This so disconcerted Brisbane that they used their captains challenge to question the legality. Unfortunately for the Dragons, the ninth wonder wasn’t enough, and the team eventually folded under the crushing weight of not being very good. However, poor form on the field was offset with a win off it. Following his galvanising words of meaning at half time, Hook Griffin has been engaged to support Tony Robbins. Tony’s minders worry his audience needs some de-inspirational de-inflating talf before they can safely travel home.

2. Bulldogs (Last round – 14th)

Shout out to the Doggies for multicultural day, which has been celebrated at Belmore for the last 30 years. Sometimes, amongst all the noise telling us how deplorable we are, little reminders pop up that maybe we aren’t so bad after all.

The event was hosted by Sonny Bill Williams who’s five minute opening remarks lasted beyond half time. Attendees weren’t sure what was said but the ‘bro’ count passed triple figures. In a great display of full inclusivity, the Bulldogs even let the Tigers dominate play for the last 30 minutes.

3. Panthers (Last round – 3rd)
The Panthers have really taken on board the critical feedback from the last couple seasons, toning down their on-field antics during a regulation Round 3 performance. Not a single complaint was heard this week about post try celebrations, controversial gestures or wearing sunglasses after dark. Take heed all those who claim this team is arrogant.

4. Roosters (Last round – 8th)

Biblical scholars confirmed the original sin was Adam (not Reynolds), a Rabbitohs supporter, and Eve, a Roosters supporter, having their jerseys mixed up in a freak laundry incident. This is great news for Fox and Channel 9, settling the Bunnies versus Roosters feud that is apparently 10,000 years old, despite only being concocted during a quite news week last year.

Motivational doesn’t do justice to watching Oat Milk Decaf Macchiato Cheese (hectic isn’t the Roosters way) claw his way out of surgery, hijack an ambulance to the ground, get stretchered onto the field with an IV in place and propel the lads to victory. Cheese also postponed a lifesaving pedicure to play, made more poignant, by the fact that he’s been a part of the feud since exactly never.

5. Knights (Last round – 10th)

Kalyn Ponga’s head remains the biggest talking point in the capital of Maitland, with team doctors trialling the head of mascot Knytro as protective headgear. Initial reports are promising and Specsavers have applied for branding rights.

To offset the loss of Knytro, the Knights are scouting Aaron Woods as a new on-field mascot. Scouts say Woods went alright about 6 years back, which fits the Knights recruitment strategy, and he would help fill the cultural void left by David Klemmer. Woods has leant into his new role by criticising Ponga, claiming only Todd Carney and Adam Elliott do toilet incidents properly.

6. Titans (Last round – 13th)

The Titans proved once again that their strategy of utilising interpretative dance as the core of their game plan produces amazing entertainment. This week’s offering had all sorts of twists and turns and spirals and spinny things, up there with the very best of Torvill and Dean. Knowledgeable readers will know Torvill and Dean as ice skaters, but I don’t know the names of any interpretative dancers. Doubling down on what works, the Titans have just announced the cast of Strictly Ballroom have been engaged as coaching consultants.

7. West Tigers (Last round – 12th)

After 2.5 rounds of truly awful performances, the Tigers teased the faithful by producing 30 minutes of good footy that almost saw them sneak a win. The turnaround was credited to the entire Bulldogs team switching off and leaving the field at 50 minutes.

During side line interviews, Dogs players said it was really hot, they were so far ahead it didn’t matter and the BBQ at Bunnings was running low on sausages. Despite having no opposition on the field, the Tigers impressed with their ability to fall just short.

8. Rabbitohs (Last round – Bye)

Showing a complete recovery from last week’s nastiness, Latrell Mitchell immediately returned to brilliance. During a pre-match interview, Mitchell announced the entire matchday crowd was attending solely to watch him, surprising some Roosters supporters.

Seizing the moment, the Rabbitohs marketing department has announced a series of ‘Meet Latrell’ days to be conducted at Westfields Bondi Junction, followed by beers at the Eastern Suburbs Leagues Club conveniently located next door. Staff at Easts overheard asking ‘what is beer?’.

9. Raiders (Last round – 1st)

There is no more glorious sight in professional sport than Big Red in full flight, unless it’s Big Red roper-dopering Royce Hunt. Channelling Muhammas Ali, Corey Horsburgh’s niggling and baiting of Hunt showed a class beyond some of the clumsy recent offerings and showed a level of sophistication unexpected from a front rower. Horsburgh is now a certainty for State of Origin selection because, you know, one good game.

10. Storm (Last round – 11th)

NRL officials have approached Harry and Meghan to lead a Royal Commission into the Storm’s early season form. While the terms of reference are being finalised, roster and injuries are excluded as non-factors in a Craig Bellamy team.

Early reports suggest the problem is the next man up ethos, labelled by the HR department as gender exclusionary, non-inclusive, part of the patriarchy and a cause of climate change. While the Commission will be conducted in a non-intrusive but affirming and inclusive manner, filming has already commenced. The docudrama, with a working title of Squall of the Storm, will be released following the current season of MAFS.

11. Warriors (Last round – 15th)

There are early rumblings of discontent from the Warriors as new coach Andrew Webster breaks numerous traditions. Previous coaches such as Nathan Brown and Stephen Kearney worked extremely hard to get a highly talented squad playing erratic football.

For three weeks straight, Webster has taken a very limited squad and had them playing consistent, structured and competitive football. Disrespectfully, he had the squad outplay one of the competition favourites on a tough road trip where respected expert analyst Paul Vautin confirmed the temperature at 1000C.

Webster was also seen smiling after the match, a likely breach of contract. Unless he starts showing respect for the Warriors way, sanctions are bound to follow.

12. Sea Eagles (Last round – 16th)

The Sea Eagles have again courted controversy following media claims that outstanding young playmaker Josh Schuster is ‘special’. Activist groups were quick to protest, condemning ableist labelling of a Samoan-heritage player during Multicultural Round.

In an official apology for something they didn’t do, Manly committed to being more inclusive when describing individual performance. Manly have refused to comment on claims that Schuster’s mid-game goose step links to white supremacist groups.

13. Dolphins (Last round – 4th)

The team that just keeps on giving, the Dolphins are now taking on league’s approved method of transition, i.e. professional footballer to sideshow alley boxer. Wayne ‘The Grizzled’ Bennett is reaching for the gloves, as he stalks the corridors of Dolphin HQ looking for a piece of the Fus. It’s hard to argue Bennett’s professional record and sparring partner applications are available at Dolphins press conferences. Fox are announcing pay-per-view details shortly.

14. Broncos (Last round – 5th)

The words master, coaching and performance are very rarely uttered in the same postcode as the names Kevvie and Walters. This week they were said all at once and in the correct order. The Broncos win featured a brilliantly deceitful strategy of lulling the Dragons into a false sense of confidence for 72 minutes before scoring four tries faster than a Reece Walsh passes a Tyrell Sloan.

It was heady stuff and when confronted about his winning strategy Kevvie illuminated us with ‘huh?’, a quote borrowed from Sun Tzu’s little brother Kostya. Etiquette guide for Mr Cobbo, the coach is the little old bloke in the pink button-down shirt, not the little old bloke wearing a big seven.

15. Eels (Last round – 2nd)

Builders were spotted frantically working on the Parramatta Leagues Club and corporate HQ following the team’s third straight loss. An unnamed source, allegedly wearing high vis, stated the works are to ensure all premiership windows have been sealed shut and then bricked over. This should be a relief to Eels supporters, as it’s good to have confidence that the team buildings are to code. The shining light remains Ryan Matterson’s consistency over the first three rounds.

16. Sharks (Last round – 7th)

While a disjointed start to the season was originally attributed to Nicho Hynes’ injury absence, Sharks officials have been quick to correct the record. Northies, official social coordinators for the Sharks, have been in dispute with council over changes to security requirements.

These changes have made it hard for the players to get to the Paul Gallen Booth for weekly story time. Always troubling to see off-field issues affecting the players.

17. Cowboys (Last round – 9th)

Following a slow start to the season, Bob Katter has expressed concern that the Cowboys are not being treated properly. In his press release, Katter explained: ‘This is our team and the people of Northern Queensland are tired of being treated like a joke.

Everyone knows how it works, the boys pass to Chad Townsend who kicks it to Jeremiah Nanai who scores. It’s not very hard and if these out of towners from the big smoke want to come here, they are expected to play fair or we will have to send a strongly worded letter.’