Wicked, the summer of cricket has just started. We’ve got one over on the Kiwis, yet the anguish of a failed Ashes campaign is still burning.
So it’s time for you to put together your XI. It’s obvious that you’re a wealth of knowledge and Mark Waugh is summoning the courage to call you up and tag you in.
If you’re new to the field of armchair selecting, here are a few key pointers on how to make your selections.
Ignore the fact the selectors watch more cricket than you
This is the first and most important aspect. Don’t let the fact that Waugh and co attend nearly every match, training session and boot camp they can cram into their schedule, you watched the first session of every Ashes Test before falling asleep on the couch.
You didn’t pay attention to the Aussies playing in county cricket or the A Series in India, but your sketchy memory of last year’s Sheffield Shield means you’re on top of all players and their current form.
Only pay attention to the stats which support your selection
Who cares that he got a bunch of bad decisions and played on some tough wickets, he didn’t average 50 over the last 12 months so you’ll be damned if you let that calibre of batsman in your side! Instead you’ll make sure you pick the player whose average is buoyed by a 200* on a dead pitch.
You’ll also lay claim to the bowler with an impressive average, and pay no attention to the fact that he hasn’t picked up the wicket of a genuine batsman since Malaysian Airlines had all their planes in the sky.
Bring your state bias into it
What did the NSW player get for Christmas? A baggy green!
Ah, fresh. You’re right though, the normal selectors are deliberately omitting your beloved players because of a deep-seeded conspiracy to have your state banished from the Commonwealth. This step is best if you tie it in with the above statistical analysis.
Throw a Hail Mary
It’s important to include a completely random selection. This way your fellow armchair Sselectors will assume that you know something they don’t, and that you’re on a high plane of cricketing knowledge.
“Yep, only played two List A games, but he’s the next big thing, mark my word.”
Pick a left-of-field spinner
Admittedly, this is similar to the Hail Mary, but no armchair side is complete without a ‘what the fudge’ selection of a tweaker. You’ll justify your selection by saying: “Well Warnie only played 10 months of first-class cricket before making the Australian side.”
They say the two most powerful positions in Australia are that of the prime minister and the captain of the Australian cricket team. If that’s the case, the two most criticised positions in Australia must be that of the treasurer and incumbent Australia Test spinner.
Reference your own cricket ‘career’
The Australian selectors don’t know what you know. That time as opener for the Lambton fourth-grade side taught you so much about the rigours of cricket. You’ve analysed the players, running your immaculate lens across them.
Don’t forget to mention how you once met an Aussie cricketer, and how that experience altered your perception of the selection process. However, when you tell the story, just make sure you just call him ‘Chappell’, and don’t clue anyone into the fact it was actually Trevor.
So there you go, follow these six steps and you’ll have crafted your Numpty XI before you know it. That way you can interject in every forum for the remainder of the Australian summer.
Just make sure you don’t actually display your full XI anywhere. That way it can remain fluid enough that you can lay claim to any other successful selections.
Build your own fantasy cricket team and put it to the test with Draftstars daily fantasy competitions. Pick your match, pick your team and watch the points roll in to take out cash prizes on each match. What are you really gambling with? Set a deposit limit.
Australia are set to turn their back on rising star Jake Fraser-McGurk’s whirlwind IPL form and drop Steve Smith in their T20 World Cup…
A six-laden, 27-ball 84 from Jake Fraser-McGurk to continue his outrageous debut IPL!
It seems franchise cricket has forgotten about the great battle between bat and ball. In fact, this season in the IPL there is no battle at all.
The mammoth rise of Jake Fraser-McGurk - his enormous potential and the destructive shot-making that he possesses makes him a very tempting option.
Test great Steve Smith is to play for Washington Freedom in the second season of Major League Cricket as the Australian influence in the…
Nathan Lyon has revealed his disappointment that Australia's cricket chiefs have prevented him from playing his first full season of county cricket in England…
