The Aussie selectors sit around a round table, coincidentally at a selection roundtable.
There are several untouched curries in the centre of the table, some hurt looking chefs sitting in the background, and six stomach-sick and very irritable Australians sitting in chairs much too low for their stature.
The purpose of the meeting is to select an Australian XI to play in the Test at Hyderabad. After a slight derailment of purpose owing to a bout of the aforementioned Hyderabad-induced ailment, they finally get down to business.
Enter messrs Inverarity, Marsh, Bichel, Clarke, Arthur and Howard (Pat, not John).
John Inverarity: Alright folks, let’s get down to business. We’ve got a game in three hours and the media are all asking for a team sheet. I’ll be damned if they get what they were expecting, so let’s do our best to throw in some curve balls.
Rod Marsh: I feel like I’ve already done my bit keeping those story-craving savages off our back with that tripe about Wade being injured and Phil Hughes donning the gloves. I might go to sleep.
Exit Marsh.
Andy Bichel: How about we go in with four seamers? After all, pace is our strength. I was reading Cleo last week and it said that playing to your strengths is the best away to get ahead.
Mickey Arthur: (Indecipherable rambling)
Michael Clarke: I agree with what Mickey said.
Inverarity: I would agree, you understand, but honestly I haven’t a clue what he was talking about. What were you speaking, Dutch?
Arthur, clearly incensed, lurches at Inverarity, only to land face first in the pot of curry.
Bichel: Come on Mickey, you can’t seriously still be hungry. They’ve been bringing this stuff to us for the last three hours. Can’t we just talk cricket?
Clarke: I agree with what Andy said.
Arthur (wiping curry from his eyes, nose and forehead): Yah. Alright. But stop calling it Dutch!
Inverarity: Well let’s start by thinking about who’s in.
Arthur: Shane Watson and Phil Hughes are both definites. Shane’s Vice Captain and Phil’s the future.
Bichel: Yes, Yes, they’re both in my XI. Fair point about Phil too. “The future,” that’s a good one. I might use that in my next press conference if it’s ok with you Mickey?
Arthur: By all means. Just make sure you (indecipherable rambling) and use the Chicago method of referencing.
Bichel: Umm, sure thing.
Pat Howard: I’ve got a line through Watson and Hughes. By my calculation (pulls out an abacus and fiddles with it) they’re due for a rest.
Enter Damien Martyn.
Martyn: Stuff a sock in it rugby boy. How many Tests did you play in India? Here’s something you might be more familiar with!
Martyn throws Howard a Gilbert and runs back outside, cackling maniacally.
Inverarity: How the hell does he keep getting in here? Anyway, I’ve got Shane and Phil too. I’ve got a big question mark next to Pattinson though. Pat told me he’s due for a rest.
Clarke: I agree with what John said.
Bichel: Hmmm. Well, in my day I never needed a rest, but you can never tell with these Gen Y’ers. After all, they are the cause of all our problems. What with their X-Boxes and inflated sense of entitlement.
Arthur: Which brings us to Glenn Maxwell, doesn’t it? I think he should play. His name’s the Big Show after all. Surely he’ll sell some tickets. I’ve never seen him play, you understand, but with a name like that he’s got to have talent and potential.
Inverarity: I agree with Mickey. Pick the Big Show. If there’s one thing we could use more of in this team, it’s talent and potential.
Howard (glancing up briefly from examining the football): My mail is that both Pattinson and Maxwell are due for a rest.
Indian Chef one (aside to audience): Maxwell didn’t even play in the last Test!
Bichel: Well who should we pick then, Pat? The game’s in two hours.
Howard: Someone who’s not due for a rest, idiot.
Bichel: Well you’ve already told us that Lyon, our best spinner, is in desperate need of a rest. So if we’re resting our best quick, our best spinner and our spinning all-rounder, I see no choice but to pick Johnson, Starc and Siddle.
Howard: Hang on a second Andy, how many Tests have Starc and Siddle played in the last month?
Inverarity: One Pat. There’s only been one Test in that time.
Howard: Hmmm (plays with his abacus for a minute or so). By my calculation they’re probably about due for a rest.
Clarke: I agree with what Pat said.
Rod Marsh enters.
Marsh: Sorry, what did I miss?
Bichel: Nothing really, Rod. Pretty much everyone’s in need of a rest and someone needs to change Michael’s batteries.
Marsh: Ah, no problem. I’ve got a couple of fresh ones with me actually.
Marsh pulls two AA batteries from his pockets, opens a panel on the back of Michael Clarke’s head and replaces the drained batteries with fresh ones.
Marsh: There we go, the run machine’s as good as new.
Clarke: Sorry chaps, what’s been going on? I’ve been feeling a bit drowsy.
Inverarity: Nothing Michael. Go to the corner a play with the Lego like a good chap, will you?
Pregnant pause as Clarke wanders to the corner, which just so happens to be piled high with every child’s favourite Danish toy.
Howard: Now you might call me a stupid rugby boy, but let me ask you this: how important are bowlers, really?
Bichel: Umm…
Inverarity: Ahhh…
Clarke: I like Lego.
Howard: I propose that we pick 11 batsmen.
Rod Marsh: But who will bowl?
Inverarity: Now, this is the sort of out of the box thinking that we pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars for! Why didn’t anyone think of this sooner?
Bichel: Because we don’t have 11 batsmen who can play on these wickets. I mean, the fact that we picked any bowlers was more out of a lack of batsmen than anything else.
The panel nods in assent, realising their mistake.
Rod Marsh: Good point Andy. Gee, this is a real noodle-scratcher.
Inverarity: I suppose we should pick Michael, right guys?
Howard: I have no objections. He’s a machine after all. He doesn’t need a rest.
Inverarity: Thank goodness for that! That’s three down. Shall we draw straws for the rest of them?
Bichel: Seems as fair a method as any I guess.
The table nods its assent. Mickey Arthur picks his Cricket Australia cap up from the ground, and starts to unfold well thumbed bits of paper.
Arthur: Back to the old faithful method, hey guys?
Miscellaneous laughter from all but Clarke, who is happily building a giant Lego cricket bat.
Scene ends with Arthur reading out the names of players, and the rest of the selection panel whooping and cheering each name that is read out.
The Indian chefs snicker delightedly in the background as Maxwell is drawn from the hat to make his debut, and Warner and Cowan maintain their opening positions.
Luckily for the Australians, Henriques gets the hat’s permission to play, and Pattinson and Siddle are the quicks chosen.
Xavier Doherty and Mitchell Starc peer through the window to see who is the last name drawn, and when the left-arm slow bowler is selected by the hat of destiny he is first shocked, and then excited. He subsequently realises MS Dhoni is playing for India and his excitement rightly turns to terror.
Xavier goes to visit Nathan Lyon for advice, but finds the offie sitting in his room, knees to his chest, rocking back and forth.
Fin.
Follow Paddy on Twitter @WarmingthePine
This is an entirely fictional piece and should bears no resemblance whatsoever to the truth.
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