The Infamous NRL Round One review

This is a tongue in cheek view of the NRL’s action week to week. Hope you like it, it’s not going away!

Storm Vs Dragons Olympic Park, Melbourne Friday 7.35pm
The Dragons were overcome with emotion after seeing that the ever thoughtful Melbourne Storm had left a welcoming gift outside their team hotel upon their arrival. A giant, immovable totem pole had been built to make the Dragons feel right at home before the season kicks off in anger, and the team was even more astounded when they found that the structure could talk! It said ‘G’Day, I’m Greg Inglis, Welcome to Melbourne’. Once Inglis, version 2009, steps foot on the field Friday Night, something tells me the Dragons will be wanting to send their gift back to whence it came! Storm in a cakewalk.

Broncos Vs Cowboys Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane Friday 7.35pm
So much has been written about the Broncos supposed lack of forward muscle in 2009, it seems that even Rookie Coach Ivan ‘The Terrible’ Henjak has bought into the theory. After reading the Cowboys team sheet for this blockbuster, and casting his eye over the Cows’ enormous pack, Henjak promptly named Israel Falou in the front row for the Broncos, on his own. This should swing the pendulum in the Nags’ favour. Broncos by 10.

Warriors Vs Eels Mt Smart Stadium, New Zealand Saturday 7.30pm
Supporting the Eels must be something like a recurring nightmare. New season, new Coach, new hope, right? Well, that is until you read the team sheet for Round 1 and see at #7 B.Finch. And the nightmare begins all over again. Warriors easily.

Bulldogs V Eagles ANZ Stadium, Sydney Saturday 7.30pm
Manly are a club in turmoil, board room tussles, slapped sponsors, alleged assaults…and all before a single ball has been kicked in the season proper. I think this match presents the biggest problem of all, with no insurance company wanting to take the risk of covering the scoreboard attendant’s arms for injury sustained whilst keeping track of the points they run past these new look-but same old Dogs. It’s enough to get Watmough to slap someone!

Sharks V Panthers Toyota Stadium, Cronulla Saturday 7.30pm
The economic downturn is hitting everyone hard, and the Sharks are no exception. It is no secret the club is on the brink of collapse, and this season is make or break for them financially. No surprise then, to see the club’s powerbrokers spending most of the off season down at ‘The Bargain Basement’ looking to pick up a few thrifty deals on their 2009 playing roster. They got a buy one, get one free deal on Anthony Tupou and Reni Maitua, not to mention the red light special on Trent Barrett. Better still, on their way out, they grabbed Corey Hughes out of the $2 basket! Their money saving ways will continue in Round 1, as they won’t even have to spend money on getting to the game, they’ll beat the Panthers without showing up.

Titans V Knights Skilled Park, Gold Coast Sunday 1.00pm
These two teams are remarkably like my golf game in their own way. The Titans are like my tee shots, they start out looking great but then fade into the wilderness, and the Knights? Well, the Knights are like the rest of my golf game, crap. Titans by 20.

Roosters V Rabbitohs Sydney Football Stadium, Sydney Sunday 3.00pm
The Roosters have always been a white collar club, a club where the odd ‘metrosexual’ was known to inhabit, so it is no surprise to see the club so forthcoming in the news that Shaun Kenny-Dowell and Frank-Paul Nuuausala decided to share their true feelings for one another in a commitment ceremony. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house when the celebrant proudly declared, I now Pronounce you Mr and Mr Shaun-Kenny-Frank-Paul-Nuuausala-Dowell. Let’s hope both boys are finished signing their names in time for kickoff! Roosters by 12.

Tigers V Raiders Campbelltown Stadium, God’s Country Monday 7.00pm
What better way to finish the first week of action than with The People’s Champion Tigers taking on The Team that Wishes Todd Carney Still Played For Them. Tigers Coach, Tim Sheens was recently appointed Australian Coach and will get a good feel of what his new post will feel like in this one, with his Kangaroo-type dominant Tigers crushing the Namibian-esque Raiders. Tigers by plenty. Gee it’s good to have the footy back!

Get Australia's best NRL opinion emailed daily.

Like this content? Buzz it up!

Free Email updates:

• Get a daily Rugby League email

Our daily emails are only sent if there is content for the sport or that author. You can subscribe to multiple daily emails; or get the daily Roar email with all our content in it. We value privacy. More...