Time moves slower in the NFL off-season. It’s a theory I become more certain of every year.
It meanders along almost aimlessly, one day running into the next. In February, with the sounds of the Super Bowl still hanging in the air, September feels so long away.
And it is. What is really only seven months feels like an eternity to a diehard NFL fan.
This year we had seven months of ‘Deflategate’ discussions and updates. Seven months of exasperated Facebook posts and comments castigating the Seahawks for not running the ball.
Seven months of ‘What is Chip Kelly thinking?’
Seven long months.
Seven months of nauseating news stories about the everyday activities of only the league’s top half a dozen stars. You know what I’m talking about.
‘Guess who didn’t get invited to Tom Brady’s birthday party?’
‘One-handed catches aren’t the only thing Odell Beckham Jr is good at.’
‘Is JJ Watt allergic to mustard!?!?’
Those stories buzz at us on our phones and flood our timelines until we can’t fight them any longer and thus slip helplessly under their spell.
Rust Cohle once said, “Time is a flat circle.”
Was Rust, the deeply troubled protagonist from the first season of True Detective, talking about the NFL offseason? Maybe. We can’t know for sure.
Then there is the draft, the free agency period and the pre-season; unsatisfying appetisers ahead of the main course.
But before we can get to the NFL regular season we must endure at least two solid weeks of foolish forecasts, cocky conjectures and thoughtless theories. These are usually entitled ‘bold predictions’ or, curiously, ‘not so bold predictions’.
Now I’ve never been one to keep my opinions to myself (see Hayne, 2014), no matter how wrong they turn out to be. So here they are a handful of predictions you are unlikely to see anywhere else (and that is saying something given NFL pundits and experts in the US will predict anything at this time of year).
Kansas City will win the AFC West
Bold? Kinda. I think this one makes perfect sense. Peyton Manning is one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, but he’s getting older and you know what they say about Father Time? He’s like 68-0, or something.
Plus, I love the addition of Jeremy Maclin to the Chiefs offence. He provides a genuine top-10 receiver option for a wide-receiving core that did not catch a touchdown in 2014. So the Chiefs top the division on 11-5 after sweeping the Broncos this season.
The Buffalo Bills finally head back to the post-season
That’s right. I can see Chris Berman now, whisps of hair plastered across his forehead, a gaudy tie choking him as he shrieks: “Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.”
This season they finally put it together after, what, like 15 years of mediocrity. Rex Ryan gets that already superb defence swarming to the football, Shady McCoy gets plenty of touches and Tyrod Taylor manages to get the ball to Sammy Watkins at least five times a game. They have got the roster and a pretty good schedule to make it happen.
Adrian Peterson wins league MVP
Peterson, well rested from his year on the commissioner’s exempt list for child abuse offences, goes close to emulating the exploits of his 2012 campaign. Looking to make-up for lost time in what could still be a Hall of Fame career, Peterson shreds defences to the tune of 1900 yards and 12 touchdowns and once again carries the Vikings into the playoffs.
Jameis Winston outshines Marcus Mariota
Apparently history dictates that only one of these guys can be good. Those who make that claim cite Andrew Luck and RGIII and Peyton Manning and Ryan Leaf as reasons why the logic is foolproof.
But I don’t know, I think both Mariota and Winston can have decent careers. If I have to pick one of them, it’s the rookie out of Florida State. Mariota may have the edge in maturity and agility, but Winston has the tools to be a great pocket passer and plenty of help at wide receiver to aid his early development.
So in 10 years it will be Famous Jameis and Marcus who?
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