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Rabbitohs v Titans. ANZ Stadium, Sydney Friday 7.35pm: Gold Coast CEO, Michael Searle has held secret talks with marketers about changing the club’s name once again in the inevitable event that the Sunset Strip galmour Club falls apart at the final hurdle this season.
So, once the Titans are bundled out of the Finals in Week 1 (by the Tigers no doubt, payback for stealing Princey will be a bitch!), expect to see the boys running out to Celine Deon’s hit single ‘My Heart Will Go On’ as the brand new Gold Coast Titanics! Expect the sinking to start early, Bunnies by 10.
Cowboys v Bulldogs. Dairy Farmers Stadium, Townsville Friday 7.35pm
Gone are the days when you could get yourself a novelty foam Cowboy hat at Cowboys home games. All you can get now is an officially licenced hard hat, in preparation for fulltime in this one, when the Cowboys season will come crashing down around their fans’ ears. Dogs by 20.
Roosters v Eagles. Sydney Football Stadium, Sydney Saturday 5.30pm
Channel 7 directors are in talks with Anthony Watmough and Matt Orford to recreate the 70’s hit show ‘The Odd Couple’. However, after watching Choc and The Ox make up during the week after last week’s on field spat, I think ‘Brokeback Mountain 2’ could be more appropriate. Or, after watching what the Eagles do to the Chooks, perhaps some new Poultry Porn could be on the shelves in no time. I know a few of our readers are excited at THAT prospect! Eagles by 30.
Eels v Warriors. Parramatta Stadium, Parramatta Saturday 7.30pm
The Eels, as usual, have had a few wins against nothing opposition and are getting smug, talking up their Finals chances. They are also doing other, equally as macho/tough things like kicking puppies, stealing kids’ lollies and pushing old ladies over. But perhaps the most disturbing display of endangering the vulnerable will be the score they put on these hapless Surplus Australians from across the ditch. Lucky they’ll be bought back to earth next week against the People’s Champion!
Raiders v Dragons. Canberra Stadium, Canberra Saturday 7.30pm
It’s late, the Dragons are certainties, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing funny I can say about what they will do to the Raiders. Raiders fans should show up in black, wearing dark glasses and, if they can afford it, hire a hearse or two, this is gonna get down right ugly.
Sharks v Tigers. Toyota Stadium, Cronulla Sunday 2.00pm
The Tigers are that confident in winning this game, they held a ‘Make a Benji Model’ competition for Papua New Guinean Tigers fans, with the winner getting the chance to partner Benji Marshall in the halves against the Sharkies. So, after making a rather fetching likeness of Benji out of twigs, some pipe cleaners, and a toilet roll, Robert Lui will be the starting #7 for the People’s Champion on Sunday afternoon! Tigers by 50.
Broncos v Panthers. Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane Sunday 3.00pm
Hasbro have released a Limited Edition Brisbane Broncos version of popular board game, Monopoly. The Bronco version is much like the original, only the boot playing piece has made way for Ivan Henjak’s behind, the little dog has been replaced by Justin Hodges and instead of going to jail, you just miss the finals. Not to mention Darren Lockyer has three houses and a hotel on Struggle St.Oh, and there is absolutely no heart beating in the Community Chest. Proceeds for the sale of the game will go to charity, that is, back to the Broncos. Panthers by 13.
Knights v Storm. Energy Australia Stadium, Newcastle Monday 7.00pm
In light of the developments of last Sunday morning, Hollywood has come calling for Greg Inglis. The movie maker boffins are intent on making a follow up to this season’s blockbuster action flick ‘G.I Joe’, centered around Inglis’ disgusting behaviour and the lead up to the Storm’s inevitable loss in this game. Look for ‘G.I No No No No No’ in cinemas this summer.
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