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Comfortingly, or perhaps not, something is currently missing from the land of the Long White Cloud. It invariably manifests itself about now, two years out from a Rugby World Cup: Kiwi Confidence Syndrome (KCS).
The first indications of it usually come by phone from my brother who, in a land of one-eyed All Black fanatics, since 1991 is possibly the most fanatical fanatic of all.
He’s not even one-eyed about it; he is no-eyed.
He started it back in 1990: “All Blacks to win the next Cup!” But as we all know it did not happen in ‘91. Same in ’95 and in ’99. Each pronouncement coincided exactly of course with the extraordinary international dominance of the All Blacks … between RWCs.
My brother takes a loss badly, so much so that towards the end of a rare losing game, I am reliably told he takes to his bed and pulls the covers over his head. He refuses to take any calls, not least from me, after a Wallaby victory over the All Blacks.
Mind you, as a defrocked All Black supporter, I do understand this.
In the grim wintry New Zealand countryside where I grew up, an All Black loss was usually followed by what can only be described as a national depression. Some farmers were known to draw the curtains, stay in bed all day – and bugger milking the cows, or feeding the dog.
I recall the eerie feeling that the sun seemed not rise on those bleak, dark Sundays – and that was when an All Black victory was only a hope, not an expectation.
It got much worse during the 80s, 90s and early 00s when the Kiwi Confidence Syndrome became epidemic and people like my brother were laid very low by it.
The only known antidote for it is a certain very bitter medicine called LOSS (Losing at Our Sacred Sport).
I guess this explains, apart from the fact that we seem not to be speaking to each other at the moment, why this year there have been no pre-triumphal phone calls from Himself about New Zealand winning RWC 2011.
Three doses of LOSS so far in ’09 seem to be working a treat.
My brother aside, KCS is no better illustrated than by two Kiwi sisters who booked a trip complete with game tickets to France to watch the All Blacks versus Whomever final in RWC 07.
No, not hoping to watch the All Blacks – absolutely expecting to watch them win. Cost: $10,000 each.
The redoubtable sisters were due to leave on the Tuesday before the semis. On the Saturday night before, the utterly unexpected nightmare happened: France booted New Zealand out of the tournament in the quarter-finals at Cardiff!
Unable to cancel the trip without a huge financial loss, the girls dragged themselves onto their flight three days later, arrived in France, and wearing their newly acquired All Black paraphernalia, watched a few meaningless, All Black-less games with some 3000 similarly clad, bewildered New Zealanders – and drank an awful lot of French champagne in what they described as a kind of ‘wake’.
The Kiwi girls did not see the wretched final; they scalped their tickets in London for an inordinate amount of money to recoup a significant portion of their original outlay – and then flew home in a somewhat chastened if not champagne-fuelled state.
These are resilient, faith-filled women, bless them; they are already planning the trip up to Auckland for the final of RWC 11. One loss does not a disbeliever make. And besides, a trip to Auckland is a whole lot cheaper than one to Paris.
I might even go myself; I have a powerful confidence in my waters that the Wallabies will not only be playing in the final, it is almost certain that they will w … oh dear, what am I saying?
Pass me another LOSS please.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.