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Deep beneath the Sydney Harbour tunnel, a selection of rugby league journalists set about discovering the true intent and plan behind the Crawford report.
Armed with some lemons and a hair dryer, they painstakingly worked on the Crawford Report. It appears that exposed to lemon juice and heat, the back of each page in the report contained a secret agenda to propel AFL into the world.
An unconfirmed but highly confidential source has outlined the plan.
The Federal Government plans to commit $100 billion over ten years into making the AFL the only sport in Australia and a worldwide phenomenon.
From 2010, all embassies across the planet will be transformed into Auskick centres.
The citizenship test will be modified from a test of Australian history into the Nathan Buckley AIS kicking test. Potential new Aussies must be able to kick a Sherrin off both the left and right foot and hit targets at 15, 30 and 45 metres.
Parliament will be radically restructured. Government and Opposition will no longer sit on different sides but man up, one each other.
Government MPs will wear Geelong jumpers, Opposition St Kilda jumpers in 2010 until new Grand finalists are decided. The Speaker of the House will also be known as the Honourable White Maggot.
Courts across the lands will now hear “baaaaall!!” (Ball!) when a defence attorney objects to some evidence.
If the jury joins in the chorus the evidence is over turned, the Judge will stand his arms pointing to the ground and then will rise to the horizontal whilst blowing his whistle he/she will then point with one arm to the defence side.
School curriculum’s will be radically transformed into Australian football halls of learning. Subjects like mathematics (stats), history (footy), biology (4 limb movement studies), law (rules of the game), economics (salary cap) will be modified to include an AFL element.
Auskick to be the official sport of each school in the land. All other sports are to be banned, it’s claimed.
All rugby uprights and soccer goals will be re-cycled into Aussie Rules four posts and distributed across all park lands. Rectangular grounds will be widened to include flanks and lengthened.
Four posts will be erected at either end of the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Finally, the Federal Government as majority shareholder in QANTAS has instructed management that all livery in the aircraft stable will be modified. The flying kangaroo will be replaced with a symbol of Alex Jesalenko’s famous mark from the 1970 VFL Grand Final and will be feature on every QANTAS tail fin.
All lemons for this story were obtained from the office of John Coates and Roy Masters, Jacqueline Magnay supplied the hair dryer. All three were later seen sucking on unused lemons.
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