The wait is almost over. Footy is back, and so is The Round Review: Your guide to the NRL. I know you’ve missed it…
Eels v Dragons. Parramatta Stadium, Parramatta. Friday 7.35pm
In an ominous warning to his opponents, Eels superstar, Jarryd Hayne has revealed that he will be several kilos lighter for the 2010 season, and will be much quicker as a result. When asked just how he lost the weight, Hayne revealed he did it by taking a pin….and sticking it in his head. The hot air released as a result has left Hayne almost skeletal, but in a positive, it is being used to power the small African nation of Chad through winter. Eels by 13.
Broncos v Cowboys. Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane. Friday 7.35pm
Brisbane Lord Mayor, Campbell Newman has spruiked the early completion date for the new ‘Clem 7’ tunnel in Brisbane City, but he has been tight lipped as to just how he pulled it off so quickly. Well, in a Round Review scoop, we have discovered that the Brisbane Broncos players spent their off season slaving away in the tunnel, helping the contractors achieve the remarkable result. When we grilled Brisbane CEO, Bruno Cullen as to why his players had helped out, he reluctantly revealed that the Club needed to provide their fans with a faster escape route to run out of games when the Team is behind at half time. Cowboys by 8.
Bulldogs v Knights. ANZ Stadium, Sydney. Saturday 5.30pm
The Knights are desperate to get fans of the embattled Club down the freeway to support their team for this one, they are going to extreme lengths to entice their Members. We stumbled across a flyer that was dropped in letter boxes throughout the Newcastle area which read ‘Take a TRIP to Homebush, we’ll get you flying HIGH with emotion as you watch your Newcastle Knights SMOKE the opposition!’ Seems the Knights will never learn. Dogs by 40.
Sharks v Storm. Toyota Stadium, Cronulla. Saturday 7.30pm
Local Councillors from The Shire region have, in conjunction with The Sharks and local community leaders, started a program of education to deal with the increasing problem of bullying in society. The initiative will spill over into the game as well, with the Storm agreeing not to assert their obvious superiority in an attempt to avoid bullying the Sharks on the field. With this in mind, Storm by 30.
Panthers v Raiders. CUA Stadium, Penrith. Saturday 7.30pm
A recent article in The Daily Telegraph wondered what is in the water around Penrith these days, with both the Club’s former tiny tots, Jarrad Sammut and Lachlan Coote bulking up 10kg each in the off season. I doubt if Penrith Council has anything to worry about, as all the players in the Club, with the exception of Sammut, drink the same water. Anyone can see by looking at Sammut’s hair and misspelled tattoo that his fluid intake is exclusively bong water. Panthers by 9.
Titans v Warriors. Skilled Park, Gold Coast. Sunday 1.00pm
Far from being peeved at having to don their black strip in the scorching Gold Coast heat for this one, the Warriors are upbeat, and even a little excited. Ever the visionary (albeit through horribly squinted eyes), Almost All Blacks Coach, Ivan Cleary has said that his players should treat the game like a fancy dress party. The playing group has responded well, although they aren’t the most imaginative bunch, in honour of Greg Bird’s debut for the Titans,they’re all going as Katie Milligan’s eye. Warriors by 6
Rabbitohs v Roosters. ANZ Stadium, Sydney. Sunday 3.00pm
Red faces all round at Redfern Oval during the week, after a horde of Paleontologists arrived with their brushes and buckets of dust, seemingly having discovered an ancient specimen of prehistoric life. Questions were asked, and the nerds were requested to point out just where they planned to carry out their research, at which point they were advised that what they suspected as an ancient Dinosaur was in fact new Rabbitohs Coach, Johnny Lang. Truth be told, they were beaten to the punch, Russell Crowe dug Langy up months ago! Roosters by 4.
Tigers v Eagles. Sydney Football Stadium, Sydney. Monday 7.00pm
The news surrounding this game has centred around the Tigers, and rightfully so, considering they are CERTAINTIES IN THIS GAME. Lote Tuqiri will make his return to the NRL and debut appearance for the People’s Champion, and Manly Coach, Des Hasler is clearly shaking in his mullet. Des has doubted Tuqiri’s ability to handle the collision of the NRL so soon after touching down in Australia, but he needn’t worry, the only thing Lote will be colliding with is the grass just over the Eagle’s try line as he SCORES HIS HAT-TRICK (You read it here first).Tigers by 30.
Good luck to all…and it feels so good to be saying: “Go the Tigers again!”
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