A quick flick through the Daily Telegraph’s website has given me another classic laugh today. Ricky Stuart is in fine form once more. He really is something else, a beautiful specimen of rugby league hilarity.
He begins his article with this:
Would Queensland be able to sell out an 84,000-seat stadium if they had lost six straight series? I doubt it.
It gets better too. Pure gold. While I’m usually not one to promote the Daily Telegraph, I have recently been struck by what a brilliant satirical newspaper it is. Ricky Stuart’s weekly columns are a particular highlight. It is clear to me now that he is the latest in Australia’s long line of comedy geniuses, ready to assume the mantle previously held by the likes of Norman Gunston, Dame Edna and Kyle Sandilands.
Stuart’s comedic genius is so complete, so refined, that all I can do now is stand and applaud. He is definitely rugby league’s greatest media personality.
I have to wonder though, just how committed Stuart is to this cutting-edge comedy caper? Does his brilliant, risk-taking comedy extend also to his team selection? Previous history says yes (eg. Jamie Buhrer), but this match is must win for the Blues. Surely Australia’s latest King of Comedy will be a little more serious this time around. Surely. To be certain, I’ve decided to take a look at the NSW team in greater detail.
In the interests of fairness, balance and journalistic integrity (standards I cherish), I will first place the Queensland team under similar scrutiny.
Queensland
1. Billy Slater – the greatest fullback since Lockyer (and therefore the second greatest of all time), Slater is a king among men.
2. Darius Boyd – three times a year, every year, Boyd becomes an extremely likeable, talented, inspirational footballer. This is the second such occasion for 2012. Champion.
3. Greg Inglis – born with the disadvantage of being from NSW, Inglis has inspirationally battled on to achieve excellence anyway. Despite his birthplace, Inglis has grown into an outstanding young man and fine rugby league player.
4. Justin Hodges – another extremely likeable player, Hodges is tremendously charismatic and is presumably involved in much charity work.
5. Brent Tate – has fought back from a number of career-threatening injuries to continue his outstanding State of Origin career. Despite having to wear an awkward-looking neck thing, Tate remains a fantastic sight when in full flight.
6. Johnathon Thurston – magnificent genius in every respect.
7. Cooper Cronk – if his on-field deeds haven’t impressed you enough, check out his website www.coopercronk.com. It is a thrilling and inspirational read.
8. Matt Scott – very good at hit ups.
9. Cameron Smith – when he’s clean-shaven, I totally would.
10. Petero Civoniceva – his name has more syllables than the Fijian in the NSW team and he’s had a better career too. Champion.
11. Nate Myles – like a good hotel maid, Myles has a tireless work ethic and loves getting his hands dirty.
12. Dave Taylor – grew up in the underrated Central Queensland town of Blackwater and is very big. I approve.
13. Ashley Harrison – only seems noticeable three times a year, but that’s OK with me.
14. Matt Gillett – a young superstar who Darren Lockyer says is suited to playing off the bench. As such, my own opinion that he is a better player than any of Queensland’s starting backrowers is wrong and I am happy to concede as much.
15.Ben Hannant – Does hit up, does tackle, doesn’t drink. He should be the next face of the game.
16. David Shillington – Plays for the Raiders and yet I still respect him. Incredible.
17.Corey Parker – the dignified grey streaks creeping into his hair have done much for my opinion of him. Despite what biased NSW-lover Phil Gould says in commentary, Parker has great hair.
New South Wales
1. Brett Stewart – he doesn’t appeal much to me, seems to hate pretty much everyone. Has had legal issues, but slipped free from those in much the same way that Queensland ball runners will escape from his flimsy last line of defence.
2. Jarryd Hayne – his willingness to still do the Hayne Plane thing when he scores a try – despite playing (poorly) for the likely wooden spooners – says a lot about just what sort of clown this guy is.
3. Michael Jennings – even Penrith don’t pick this guy.
4. Josh Morris – the worse of the two brothers, so naturally he’s the one Coach Comedian selects in his team. Gold.
5. Akuila Uate – easily the most likeable and talented player in the NSW team. This is clearly due to the fact that he is actually Fijian.
6. Todd Carney – let’s hope he’s been sober long enough to remember the game plan this time around.
7. Mitchell Pearce – apparently his Dad was a good footy player, which is the only saving grace I can find for him.
8. Tim Grant – apparently he’s big, but I’m not certain who he is. Though if he’s been selected ahead of Aaron Woods he must be outstanding. Either that or Coach Comedian has struck again.
9. Robbie Farah – apparently proved himself an Origin player by not being awful in a losing side in game one
10. James Tamou – the best prop forward NSW have produced in years, though much like Uate, this could be put down to the fact that he is actually a foreigner (in his case, he’s from New Zealand so he’s still not particularly likeable). Incidentally, notice how the NSW media isn’t rambling on about Queensland being a team of imports this year? I wonder why that issue died?
11. Greg Bird – something about him doesn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’s his fashion sense. From the footage I’ve seen he seems to like wearing singlets, or \”wife beaters\”, as they are sometimes called. I’m not big on those.
12. Glenn Stewart – much likes his brother, seems to hate everyone. Though he’s done nothing to me, the feeling is mutual.
13. Paul Gallen – lord, I admit it, I’m a Queenslander. I can’t even pretend to be impartial with this guy.
14. Luke Lewis – an average winger who became an average centre who became an average five-eighth who became an average lock forward who became an average second rower who became an average State of Origin regular.
15. Anthony Watmough – if the rumours are true, even everyone in NSW hates him. That may well mean he is actually a legend, but I still to assume he isn’t.
16. Ben Creagh – not content with already having a bench of ordinary second rowers, the laugh-a-minute comic genius in the coaching box decided to also pick this bloke – world-renowned as being extremely soft – to provide extra cover. Genius.
17. Trent Merrin – I could trample this bloke in the street and not recognise him.
The verdict? Ricky Stuart, King of Comedy, I salute you! Your selfless commitment to raising laughs, even at your state’s own expense, is a true inspiration
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