If you believe the hype, the ACC’s recent investigation is the biggest drama to hit Australian sport since Meatloaf’s bloated butt cheeks.
To date though the organisation’s execution of the issue has been bungling, banal and just plain boring.
No, what the pubic is crying out for is some shaky handheld footage, appalling half truths and outrageous conclusions.
Never one to leave the espionage to the nerds, I though it was time I took matters into my own hands earlier this week.
Armed with nothing but a cool head, a good blend of youth and experience and a couple of two for one schnitzel coupons, I would infiltrate the heavily guarded inner sanctum of the Brisbane Broncos football club to get to the bottom of the scandal.
What I uncovered, as they say in the dailies, was both shocking and disturbing.
And that was just the schnitzel.
10am: Arrive at Broncos Red Hill base incognito ready to blow this whole thing wide open. A light drizzle and controversy are in the air. The ACC may have already labelled the Brisbane club as ‘clean’ but I have suspicions…for starters there was bloody leaves everywhere in the car park!
10:10 Move car closer to field as can’t see anything. I am parked behind a tree, peering out from under a tarpaulin in the boot of my 1987 Magna station wagon.
10:30 Bored, still no signs of players…what a life! Decide to head upstairs into the clubhouse for a schnitzel and snoop around.
10:32 Club doorman forces me to remove investigative trench coat and stalker cap upon entry. Something to hide perhaps?
10:35 Take a seat at Alfies’ Bar and order schnitzel. My heavily trained eye detects a suspicious white substance on the table opposite me. Move in for closer inspection.
10:36 On closer inspection suspicious white substance appears to be table salt.
10:45 Schnitzel arrives. Flavour with suspicious white substance. Not bad.
11:00 Drink XXXX Gold. At least they don’t bother hiding their urine samples in the drain pipes here.
11:30 Give the place the all clear, the service a four out of five and head for the players training compound. Disguise myself with a high visibility trainer’s polo and begin rifling through dumpster behind building.
11:45 Nothing unusual found in garbage except for an Ivan Henjak portrait, the Super League Telstra cup and 800 Hey Hey We’re the Broncos cassette tapes. Suddenly hear an agitated grumbling voice coming from inside the building. Deepthroat?
11:50 Deepthroat turns out to be Darren Lockyer arguing on his mobile phone. Possibly could be dealing CSGs?
11:55 Walk into Broncos gym and have first sighting of players. Try to walk past nonchalantly but am asked to help spot Josh Maguire on the bench-press.
12:10 Then on the squat rack.
12:25 Shoulder press….
12:30 Have long, one sided conversation with Corey Parker about male hair dye brands. Nod politely.
1pm: Make excuse to leave and drag now aching self up stairs to clubs admin when I’m stopped by an angry looking ex-international winger carrying a large column of witches hats.
“Do you work here mate?!?” he asks angrily
“Yeh yeh nah yeh mate”.
He looks puzzled, but decides to cautiously let me through. Success!
1:10 Begin looking through filing cabinets and drawers but am forced to duck into the gents when I spot a security guard. Hide in cubicle. Hear front door to gents swing open.
Player X enters cubicle next to me and I’m treated to a 12 sec 4-note fart. Clearly the boys are still on the protein here.
1:15 My eyes are burning. Begin drafting my will.
1:25 Nearby rectal orchestra concludes and is replaced by strange rustling sound-a ha! Time to make a bust. Hands trembling, I put phone over dividing wall and snap a pic.
An enormous bellow roars out from said cubicle and am forced to run for my life from an irate representative second rower only to be tripped over in hallway by a diminutive assistant coach. Where did he come from.
Everything fades to black….
3:00 Awake back in previously mentioned dumpster covered in old strapping tape with nothing to show for my undercover work except a snap of Sam Thaiday reading big league on the can, a prop sized bruise on my back and a set of Broncos membership stickers.
After much analysis, I can determine the Broncos are in the clear. For now…or until my restraining order lapses anyway.
Next stop – Red Hill Sports and social club for a packet of frozen peas…and to check out what those retirees are really putting in their tea.
This has been a Chris Chard investigation.
Follow Chris on Twitter @Vic_Arious
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