We all have dreams in life. I, like AVB, desire to be a football manager despite never being any good at football.
So I decided to apply for the open position of manager at the Wellington Phoenix. I assure you, I’ve taken the process very seriously.
We’ve already opened up the cause to Twitter. Pascal Bosschaart is on board. And he’s bigger than you. So retweet this and get #BungardforPhoenix trending!
And here, in all its glory, is my application.
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Dear David,
I’m writing to you to formerly apply for the position of Wellington Phoenix Manager.
Now you may be wondering why a professional football club would take a chance on an unproven 23-year-old that has never had any experience with the game at an elite level, but hear me out.
For starters, I’ve got youth on my side. Sure, you could go out and get Hugo Sanchez – he may have played for Real Madrid for the better part of a decade, but in terms of experience with the game at an Australasian level, I’ve got him covered.
And plus, while he would need to retire within 20 years, the Phoenix and I could have an amicable relationship stretching for the better part of a century if my grand plan plays out the way I’ve envisioned.
I played junior and senior football at St Christopher’s Football Club for 17 years. I rose up through their storied youth academy to win premierships in Under 10’s, Under 15’s and in All Age 9’s.
I parlayed this into an administrative role off the field, where I was the president of the club for a three-month period before losing power in a bloodless coup. I don’t want to say it was ALL about my penchant for stealing Zappos and Powerade from the canteen, but that may have been a contributing factor.
In terms of coaching, I was the head coach of the U13’s in 2007 and watched them blossom under my tutelage for four years after that. We never won the title but I made sure everyone was well hydrated and had a go. I feel that workmanlike attitude I tried to instil would transfer effectively into the physical nature of the A-League.
I once signed Paul Ifill in a Football Manager 08 file for Southport, and after a few years of toil in the conference we managed to finally achieve Football League status. He later became my assistant manager as we ascended through the ranks and eventually won the Champions League in 2025.
If this is in any way indicative of reality, I will be coaching the Australian National team in 2026 so you’ll need to act quickly to snap up my services at some point in the next 13 years.
I’ve attached some photos for your perusal and look forward to hearing from you.
Yours in football,
Matt Bungard
This is a photo of me and my Junior Coaching License. Although it’s not strictly the level of accreditation you sought after, you’ll note the expiry date on the right is June 2014, which leaves me plenty of time for a 2013/14 run at the premiership before I’ll have to attend another course.
This is a photo of me nutmegging someone. It’s the type of skill and guile you can expect our team to produce on a regular basis.
This one is our 2011 Premiership winning St Christopher’s All Age 9’s team. As captain coach I oversaw a glorious season in which we lifted the trophy despite our starting Central Midfielder driving to the wrong park and being 20 minutes late for kick-off.
This one is just a photo of my girlfriend and I with Lightning McQueen at Disneyland. Despite being both a fictional character and not human, he possesses the athleticism and ‘win at all costs’ attitude that I’ll be looking for when signing new players.
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So there you have it. You know what to do, Roarers. #BungardForPhoenix
@themattbungard
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