Now that the English leg of the Ashes is over it only seems natural to reflect on what has transpired.
However, instead of the usual player ratings for the series and in an honest attempt not to inspire any more heated debates on the matter, I thought it was time to summarise each individual in a somewhat satirical but light-hearted, single-sentence fashion.
Australia
Chris Rogers – Graeme Swann has got him all in a spin.
David Warner – Needs to pull up his ‘all day’ socks and work on his hook.
Shane Watson – Now fancies some letters after his name but not the dreaded DRS or LBW.
Michael Clarke – Has invited Kevin Pietersen for dinner to determine which of them is most ‘liked’ in their teams.
Steve Smith – Pretending to look like Shane Warne has clearly worked regarding his selection.
Brad Haddin – Rockin’ Rod Stewart sets his own record.
James Faulkner – Has been inducted into the committee for determining negative play and issuing of refunds.
Peter Siddle – Fancies a bowl at Matt Prior every innings.
Mitch Starc – In, out, in, out, shake it all about, you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn around…
Ryan Harris – The Aussie bionic man just about made it through the series.
Nathan Lyon – Surely he needs a better nickname than ‘Gaz’ and appears to be Warnie’s next recruit for Advanced Hair studios.
Ed Cowan – From opener to glorified water boy.
Phil Hughes – Won’t be taking any tips from Rogers regarding Mr Swann.
James Pattinson – The injury curse of the Aussie fast bowler continues.
Ashton Agar – Tail end surprise only lasted an innings.
Usman Khawaja – Has Kevin Rudd’s vote but apparently Usman’s an Abbott man.
Jackson Bird – Have you heard? The Bird is definitely not the word.
Matt Wade – Did anyone actually spot him the entire tour?
England
Alastair Cook – Won’t be following Shane Warne’s twitter feed.
Joe Root – Heading back to finish his GCSEs and is banned from any Aussie-themed pubs.
Jonathan Trott – Last seen still taking guard at the Oval.
Kevin Pieterson – Has a dinner invite from Michael Clarke.
Ian Bell – From Sherminator to Terminator (sorry, nicked this from Fox Sports).
Johnny Bairstow – Has Sir Geoffrey for at least one loyal fan.
Matt Prior – Spent all summer trying to find his proper bat and gloves.
Stuart Broad – The pantomime villain will never walk alone.
Graeme Swann – Submitted patent for upturned, heavily-starched collared shirts.
Steven Finn – Last seen hiding in the outfield at Trent Bridge.
James Anderson – As King Louie said, ‘I’m the King of the Swingers’.
Tim Bresnan – Super night watchman, can bowl a bit too!
Chris Woakes – England thought the T20 series started one game early.
Simon Kerrigan – Charged with attempting to play like a village green cricketer.
Special mentions
Monty Panesar – Now available for watering of gardens.
Darren Lehmann – I have to share with you a song from the Barmy Army, sung to that famous tune from the musical Evita:
“Don’t cry for me Darren Lehmann,
“Truth is I knew I nicked it,
“But like an Aussie,
“I stood and waited,
“The finger stayed down,
“How well I faked it!!”
I’m sure there’s plenty of the Roar faithful out there who can do better than I have, so let’s see your interpretations!
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