“We let a lot of people down”, the captain of the South African cricket team, Faf du Plessis, said despairingly at a press conference after a consolation victory against Sri Lanka.
Even though AB de Villiers took yesterday off, thus causing nations to weep, and worship to temporarily abate, this series has been dominated by talk about his supreme style and stunning life story.
Being the modest ledge that he is though, he’s naturally played down his blinding rap sheet, and this has even extended to him editing his own Wikipedia page to ensure he actually appears like something that hasn’t come from a far-off galaxy.
However, here at The Roar, we’re fierce defenders of the fully-fledged, ultra-audited, fact-checked fact factory that is the free online encyclopedia, so we’ve set about hacking like a country cricketer to find the real deal about AB.
So delete your favourites, because whatever you’ve read before today is hokum. Thanks to the magic fingers of the backroom boys at your favourite sports opinion site, we’ve located the original and totally accurate page about the South African champion’s life.
Here it is.
Abraham Benjamin de Villiers (born 17 February, 1984) is an insanely superior human being and sometime South African cricketer who is universally noted as a titleholder of a wide range of various athletic genes, a collection so great it is seemingly unlawful. If he wasn’t such a nice bloke, you’d definitely hate him.
Besides his exploits in nearly every bloody leisure activity known to man, he is best known for making the everyday human beings of this planet feel vastly inferior and somewhat lazy due to his inequitable number of talents and ability to dominate any competitive medium he may find himself in.
de Villiers is the son of a man who lectured parliamentary law while teaching golf to Jack Nicklaus and a mother who designed and engineered the entire layout of the greater New York area while tirelessly campaigning for women’s rights. He is one of eight children, and yes, he whooped all of their asses too, usually in his favourite game of seven-on-one soccer.
At the point of childbirth, he immediately displayed his heavenly aptitude by hitting a hole-in-one with his weaker hand at a nearby Pro-Am before his umbilical cord was cut. Prior to being named, he ran history’s fastest 30 metre sprint-time down the hospital corridor while completing his high school certificate exams using a pen with no ink.
After a childhood, where he split his time between playing with his neighbourhood pals and providing Allan Donald with guidance on fast bowling, he was enlisted in Pretoria’s College for the Elite and Disgracefully Accomplished at the age of five.
It was at this time that he was immediately fast-tracked straight in to the first XV of the school rugby system. This occurred when he paid his school fees by winning a bet with the principal after it was doubted by him that de Villiers could scissor-kick a drop goal from the halfway line with no boots on.
For good measure, he achieved this three times, with two of these being with a deflated footy, and one from the in-goal area at the opposite end of the park. Blindfolded.
This was the beginning of an illustrious school career for de Villiers. After captaining the rugby team to seven consecutive national championships while playing scrumhalf, front-row and coach, he set about forging a career in swimming and athletics, mainly out of boredom.
It was here that he broke six national school times in the pool and shattered the 100 metre sprint record, all marks that still stand to this day, and made all the more significant by the fact they were high school records that were broken by a primary age student from a different school.
Tough times were to come though when de Villiers hit a rut upon entering high school as the dreariness of crushing every opponent and achieving every goal he faced became commonplace. At this time, he decided to focus on his studies, despite the fact he was already at an elite stage of intelligence which allowed him to conduct some classes in the absence of his teachers.
This was when he found an unlikely interest in science, and after much devotion to the craft he was awarded with a national achievement medal for initiating the research program that lead to the eventual discovery of the Higgs boson. He was presented with this award at halftime in a state hockey match in which he had already scored five goals and saved three from the penalty spot.
This was all achieved by de Villiers by the age of 14, and at this point he was presented with a tricky dilemma. He had reached the point where he had to choose one single vocation to commit to, mainly due to time constraints, plus to generously allow the rest of the universe a fair crack at winning something.
As this was such an important crossroads point in his life, it was a question that repeated itself many times in his head, over and over again in the 12 different languages he had self-taught.
Such was the decision, de Villiers was granted compassionate leave from his role as tactical analyst for the successful Springboks 1995 Rugby World Cup campaign to make this call, and after shooting a 53 at his local course to clear his mind, he bowled a perfect 300 game of tenpin bowling before making the decision to spend his life killing it in cricket.
When this call was made, he was immediately enlisted as number one in the ICC Test, ODI and T20 rankings, a remarkable achievement considering the rankings system and 20-over cricket was yet to be invented. Noticing this anomaly, he set about inventing all of this plus Hawkeye prior to his debut, before taking the field for his beloved South Africa in his first match in national colours.
He began in somewhat disappointing fashion, making an underwhelming 258* in a tour match on a green rager while wearing no pads. However, this was not a sign of things to come.
After sweeping aside all comers in his batting career, resetting records and causing bowling attacks mental anguish in all corners of the globe, he once again became bored and restless, seemingly feeling the weight of his disproportionate level of ability as it hungrily roared for more work.
Feeling he was letting the team down by redefining only one discipline of the game, he demanded a 75 per cent paycut before taking up the roles of wicketkeeper, captain and Executive of Hectically Wicked Fielding Exploits.
To this day, de Villiers is still braining everyone in these aspects of the game. At print, he had boasted again about his superior genetic makeup by taking up bowling gentle right-arm outswingers which somehow still take bloody wickets, while also choosing to captain the team and field in high-traffic catching positions with a set of crumbled ribs.
Unbelieveably, in his spare time, the South African captain is also a talented musician who has released an album. Geez it makes you sick, doesn’t it?
(The thing about the music is actually true. Google it!)