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For some reason, FIFA thought it would be a good idea to make a feature film about themselves. Unsurprisingly, it was not.
Only an administrative body with the level of megalomania, narcissism and delusion of FIFA could possibly conceive of the hare-brained scheme to make a full-length feature film about itself.
Remarkably, the release of United Passions comes just two weeks after the elaborate criminal-syndicate-cum-sporting-organisation had 14 executives arrested for corruption, racketeering and a whole slew of other charges usually reserved for guys called John ‘The Don’ Grecko and Valentino Three Nipples.
The film cost over $US25 million to make (90 per cent of the money ponied up by FIFA), and on its opening weekend in the United States made $US607.
Yep, $607. As in, less than an iPhone $607.
United Passions was directed by Frédéric Auburtin, and starred Tim ‘actually a great actor, what on earth possessed him to go near this’ Roth and New Zealand national treasure Sam Neill.
They must’ve been paid mighty handsome sums to put their names to this travesty (presumedly they received payment in a brown paper bag in a shadowy car park, as FIFA custom dictates).
The film traces the rise of football’s governing body, from its humble origins in 1904 to the shameless, sinister, slave-killing organisation it is today.
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, it has been universally panned by critics. The New York Times described it as, “one of the most unwatchable films in recent memory, a dishonest bit of corporate-suite sanitising that’s no good even for laughs.”
The Guardian took a slightly different tact, succinctly describing United Passions as “cinematic excrement”.
United Passions – FIFA's "vanity" movie: "It was so much beyond a bomb that it gives bomb a bad name," @PamelaDayM tells @bbcworldservice
— BBC World Service (@bbcworldservice) June 9, 2015
This film’s failure is the least of FIFA’s worries at the moment, and the financial losses of this god-awful vanity project will not even make a dent in its finances, but it is another blow for the public image of an administration that just weeks ago seemed utterly untouchable.
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