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Three sleeps to go, and thank Christ. The saturating coverage of unrealistic preseason promise and unbridled optimism is making me a little nauseous. I even ran into a few Wests Tigers fans who were looking forward to the upcoming season! Utterly outrageous.
With a dearth of preseason fixtures across the weekend to over analyse, the NRL instead trotted out a parade of club captains for the 2016 season launch.
Alarmingly, league bosses have stumbled across the realisation that using the most marketable player in the game as the focus of their marketing campaign is a more sensible option than trotting out decaying US rock acts.
What’s next, reasonable ticket prices? Surely not.
NRL contenders and pretenders:
» Part 1
» Part 2
» Part 3
This is the final instalment in our four-part pre-season review series, looking at the prospects of the cream of the crop from 2015: the Melbourne Storm, Brisbane Broncos, North Queensland Cowboys and Sydney Roosters.
Starting next Monday, Taking it One Week at a Time will be publishing a weekly column. Keep an eye out for it on The Roar, or be notified of new articles by liking our Facebook page or registering your email address on the blog.
It has become fashionable to write off the Storm as premiership contenders. After a decade of success, and the odd bit of cheating, the inherent tall poppy cutter within each of us relishes in predicting the demise of the Melbournians.
With Cooper Cronk, Billy Slater and Cameron Smith all on the wrong side of 30, surely the infamous Big 3 cannot deliver Melbourne another finals berth? But why not? Cameron Smith remains the best hooker in the game. Billy Slater is arguably still the top fullback. Cooper Cronk continues to fend off contenders Ben Hunt and Daly Cherry-Evans for selection as the Queensland and Australian halfback.
Toss in the odd Kiwi International, another token Queenslander or two, and a precocious youngster like Cameron Munster, and the Storm boast another strong squad in 2016.
Any coach presiding over a team which is lucky enough to contain an immortal or two can win a premiership. Michael Hagan made that abundantly clear when he ‘guided’ Newcastle to victory in the 2001 season.
It’s the way Craig Bellamy does more with less which sets him apart from the Hagans of this world. The fact that, 18 months after his retirement, people not only still remember the name Bryan Norrie, but that the man has his own Wikipedia page, is a true testament to Bellamy’s talent at turning career journeymen into quality first-graders.
This year’s list of lost souls and wayward boys includes ex-Titan’s big unit Matthew White, former Raider Mark Nicholls, and Manly misfit Cheyse Blair. The blueprint for Craig Bellamy and the Melbourne Storm never changes. Trot out the Big 3, surround them with whatever players you can afford with the remaining funds, make the finals and repeat. It is hard to imagine 2016 being any different.
Predicted finish: Third
Johnathan Thurston and the Cowboys finally delivered a long-awaited maiden premiership to Townsville in 2015. JT cemented his place in rugby league history by producing an improbable piece of individual brilliance, snatching glory from the hands of certain defeat.
Or was that Michael Morgan? Not important.
What’s important is, where to now for the Cowboys? As the euphoria of grand final success slowly left their systems, the Cowboys embarked on a state-wide coronation tour of back slapping, hand-shaking and complimentary schooner accepting. While other teams ran up sand hills, the Cowboys were running up bar tabs. And good for them. After a long, arduous season, the boys needed to wash the dust out of the back of their throats.
So apart from plunging North Queensland into a XXXX famine, what have the Cowboys been up to this off-season? Not much really.
Glenn Hall retired, but no one seemed to notice or care. Cameron King left the club for Parramatta, but he was rubbish anyway. And Robert Lui set sail for Super League, leaving Australian women feeling a tad safer.
With little in the way of new signings to compensate for these departures, the Cowboys are essentially going for the old rinse and repeat approach. But will it be enough?
Will Thurston still have the same hunger and drive after removing the Provon and Summons sized monkey from his back? Will the Cowboys have the same luck with injury?
Can Michael Morgan and Lachlan Coote replicate their outstanding form? Paul Green must have been losing sleep over these or similar questions, deciding to knock back the Queensland Origin gig to focus on taking North Queensland back to the finals in 2016.
Based on their roster, it is difficult to imagine the Cowboys not being a major factor come September.
Predicted finish: Fourth
The return of super coach Wayne Bennett to the club he led to six premierships was always going to pay dividends for the Brisbane Broncos, but few would have predicted they would go within a Herschelle Gibbs of grand final glory in his first season back at the helm.
The impact Bennett had on his team was obvious and immediate. Adam Blair played his best football since his days under Craig Bellamy, Ben Hunt took his game to the next level, and even Darius Boyd stopped being such a petulant douchebag.
Bennett’s biggest success came in the maturation and subsequent on-field performance of Anthony Milford. Despite sporting a criminal moustache, Milford was electric in 2015, crowning his breakthrough season with a breathtaking grand final exhibition of running rugby league.
The halves partnership of Milford and Hunt will make Brisbane a finals fixture for the foreseeable future.
Outside of their poaching of centre James Roberts from the hapless Titans, the Broncos were quiet on the player market. They will instead rely on developing their own young talent and maintaining the play of their ageing veterans.
Speaking of veteran players, league fans are still waiting for Father Time to finally catch up with the ageless Corey Parker, perhaps in scenes reminiscent of the Nazi villain in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade withering away in front of our eyes.
With the honour of club captaincy and another tilt at Queensland Origin and Telstra Premiership glory on offer in 2016, betting against another vintage season from the salt and pepper warrior would be to ‘choose poorly’.
On the flip side of the coin, fans of the iconic Jonah Lomu Rugby, arguably the greatest sports game to grace our consoles, will recognise the familiar surname of young forward Joe Ofahengaue.
Nephew of Wallaby great Willie Ofahengaue, Joe played a handful of games in 2015, and looks set for a much bigger role this season. The reality is that the Broncos are returning with almost the same side in 2016, and there is no reason to suggest they won’t enjoy the same success.
Predicted finish: Second
Since the arrival of coach Trent Robinson in late 2012, the Roosters have enjoyed one of the most successful periods in club history.
Buoyed by a roster which constantly seems to defy all salary cap logic, and funded by third-party payment mastermind Nick Politis, Robinson has steered the Bondi club to three consecutive minor premierships and a premiership in his three years in charge.
During this period of sustained success, it has often been speculated how the Roosters can field a team bulging with representative superstars while teams like Canberra and Parramatta struggle to attract players with more than an under-13s best and fairest award to their name. When a salary cap official was approached at his Coogee beach-side mansion for comment, he quickly sped away in his new Audi R8.
Yet even the bottomless pockets of Politis have been unable to prevent the inevitable player drain. Footy Show regular and cashed-up bogan James Maloney moved down the coast to Cronulla, Michael Jennings was deemed surplus to requirements and signed with Parramatta, but the most shocking departure was that of Roger Tuivasa-Sheck, who sensationally snubbed the Roosters and committed his future across the ditch to the Warriors.
And just to rub their beaks in it, Roger set about having a Dally M calibre season and cemented himself as the new face of rugby league. Just when Roosters fans thought their off-season could not get any worse, Mitchell Pearce happened.
In the aftermath of the now infamous Australia Day Dog Act, Pearce fled for the forgiving shores of a Thai rehab facility, at the Roosters’ expense, leaving his club and the NRL to decide just what to do with him. Todd Carney will no doubt be looking on with keen interest.
Despite significant player departures, several painful bites from the injury bug and the clouded future of Pearce, the Roosters still maintain a talented roster. Cordner and Waerea-Hargreaves will return by mid-season, and to the horror of women and golden retrievers throughout the Eastern suburbs, Pearce will likely be back around the same time.
If Trent Robinson can steady the ship and keep them afloat until then, the Roosters look primed for another assault on the Premiership.
Predicted finish: Fifth
Keep an eye out for our weekly column throughout the 2016 NRL season on The Roar, or by liking our Facebook page or registering your email address on our blog.