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We here at The Roar managed to sneak a listening device into the board room of Channel Nine ahead of their discussion on who will replace Ray ‘Rabs’ Warren next year.
The meeting took place between Nine CEO David Gyngell, departing lead commentator Warren, Peter Sterling and Phil Gould.
Gyngell: So you lot mentioned you had a short list. Let’s go, who are we looking at?
Rabs: We’ve narrowed my replacement down to Andrew Johns, Brad Fittler, Darren Lockyer, Karl Stefanovic and Beau Ryan.
Gyngell: Christ, really? Is that it? Pretty shallow gene pool to choose from there don’t you think?
Sterling: I don’t know what you mean David.
Rabs: I know exactly what you mean David.
Gould: No, no, no…
Gyngell: Great input as usual Gus. I wouldn’t trust that short list to run a hundred metres, much less run the commentary team.
Sterling: We thought we would aim for a young gun with a view to longevity.
Gyngell: Best intentions, piss poor options.
Sterling: What do you mean?
Gyngell: Let’s work our way through your list, shall we? First you’ve got Joey Johns, now I don’t know about you, but whenever he interjects something through the game, it’s utter nonsense or strangely homoerotic.
Sterling: I don’t follow.
Rabs: Turn it up Sterlo!
Gyngell: Joey will mutter on for five minutes about some blokes thighs. It’s weird. “Gee whiz, look at his thighs. He’s a monster. I’d hate to see those thighs coming at me. Sterlo, have you seen his thighs. What a monster. Imagine if you had those thighs on top of you in a tackle. Imagine what you’d do…” It’s weird. It’s not footy.
Rabs: Besides, I still think he rocks up to the commentary team high as a kite on the disco biscuits still.
Sterling: Alright, we’ll scratch Joey then. What about Freddy Fittler?
Gus: No, no, no.
Gyngell: Real insightful stuff there Gus…
Rabs: Did you see Freddy interview Michael Morgan on the Sunday Footy Show last week? Rubbish. “So Michael, have you got a pet?” What the hell was he thinking? The last thing we want is Freddie interviewing a bloodied grand final winner and asking them what their favourite colour is or whether they like rainbows. No.
Sterling: (sighs) Alright, scratch Freddy too. Locky?
Gyngell: Nup, he’s got a voice like Freddy Kruger and a head like Lord Voldermort. He’d scare the kiddies. No way.
Sterling: (sighs again, obviously frustrated) Karl Stefanovic? I know he doesn’t have a background in league, but he loves the Broncos.
Gyngell: He has a bit of a tendency to get hysterical, but he’s not so bad.
Gus: No, no, no.
Rabs: I agree with Gus on this one, we can’t have a Queenslander in the central commentary position. It would upset the NSW viewers. We need to keep the commentary team predominantly Blue.
Gyngell: Add Karl to the maybe pile anyway.
Sterling: What about Beau Ryan?
Gyngell: HA! Are you kidding? I wouldn’t trust that joker off the leash at a game of footy. He’d probably try to dry root one of the mascots thinking they’re a Disney character! Last thing we need is another scandal.
Sterling: (clearly agitated) Well that’s everyone!
Gus: No, no, no…
Rabs: Gus makes a good point. There is another…
Sterling: You don’t mean…
Gus, Rabs, Sterling and Gyngell gasp in unison: Jarryd Hayne…
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