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In 1818, as told by Mary Shelley, Victor Frankenstein took on a daring proposition. Combining chemistry and alchemy, a fearsome creature was created – one that was almost unstoppable, and has gone down in literature and film folklore.
Today, in 2016, a far more risky project was endeavoured upon. Creating the footballing equivalent. Cobbled together with parts lovingly removed from the best of the best of the best from our beloved AFL, the following is a run-down of the ultimate footballer.
Head (Brain): Luke Hodge
Plays the game like an on-field coach, and is one of the key pieces of the puzzle in Hawthorn’s success in recent seasons. His attitude, attack on the ball, and leadership are essential, and make him – literally – stand ‘head and shoulders’ above most of the competition.
Height (Frame): Mark Blicavs
A middle-distance runner and steeplechaser, Blicavs’ 198 centimetre frame belies his insane speed and engine. Can run all day, sprint away from the best of them, and is almost impossible to match-up on whether he’s in the middle, on the wing, or pinch-hitting in the ruck.
Eyes (Vision): Steve Johnson
Throughout his 266 games, Steve Johnson’s creative streak has regularly made the impossible easy. When he’s not opening up scoring opportunities for his teammate s, he’s slotting jaw-dropping goals with his innate goal-sense.
Left hand: Josh Gibson
There’s an almost intangible statistic referred to as ‘the one-percenter’. I’m not sure precisely what it entails, but if you want a man to fulfil the task, then head straight to Gibson. When his fist decides that you are not marking the ball, the gig’s up.
Right hand: Matt Priddis
Whether it’s shooting a quick handball out of a pack, or creating space for a teammate to run onto, Priddis’ vision and accuracy sees him with surely one of the best hands in the business. His clearance work has been a big part of the Eagles’ success recently.
Arms (Marking): Nick Riewoldt
While not spending as much time in the forward line as he used to, Riewoldt’s marking ability, be it on the end of a 50-metre lead, plucking it from three-deep in a pack, or loose inside-50, is inspirational.
Left foot: Lance Franklin
If ever a man defied footballing physics, it’s Buddy. The ‘natural arc’ created when he throws his left-foot onto a Sherrin sees him slot goals us mere mortals can only dream on. Deadly within 70 metres of goal, Franklin is on target for rarified air, with 1000 goals on the cards.
Right foot: Robert Murphy
One of the best in the league in the back-half, Bob’s balance and ability to hit a target from stand-still or at full pace are second to none. His rebound from defence is crucial to setting up his teammates, and his durability (until this season’s tragic knee injury) have seem him be a pillar the Dogs have built around for years.
Overall Movement: Scott Pendlebury
One of the few footballers capable of creating space around him simply by standing still, Pendles’ ability to move in and out of packs is mesmerising. Almost untouchable in the middle, the ‘Pie’ is a superstar.
And there we have it. An unstoppable footballing machine.
Reckon you’ve got a better ‘Frankenstein’?
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