The NRL would like to take this opportunity to respond to the infinite number of drug matters of the past 48 hours, those both reported and yet to be discovered.
The league acknowledges the seriousness of the allegations and greatly regrets the huge amount of publicity they have delivered to an otherwise inconsequential Representative Round.
Following the information received, the NRL has acted swiftly by commissioning a search to find anyone in rugby league who hasn’t abused drugs this weekend.
An additional investigation will also be staged in to what happened to the good old days of just having 15 beers and filling your mate’s shoe.
All players involved will also be examined for salary cap breaches on suspicion, as nobody except television executives can afford cocaine at Australian prices.
The league would also like to reiterate everyone that, despite a number of strong reports circling in the media, the ‘N’ in NRL does not stand for narcotics.
This can be confirmed after urgent studies on the acronym proved it does not translate to anything in Peruvian. Also, the competition logo could not be fairly misconstrued for headphones.
The NRL would like to take this opportunity to restate the serious position it takes on illicit substances. Seriously, we really believe we’ve got it under control.
The league will always hold a strong stance on many social issues- racism, sexism, basically anything that doesn’t negatively portray sports gambling- and doing blow is no different.
The NRL has taken steps over many years to highlight the risks associated with the use of illicit drugs, mostly through education workshops like Mad Monday and Origin bonding.
In addition, the league is proud of its decisive detection program and its distinguished record of high confusion in both process and outcomes.
The league believes conducting testing exclusively before and after games- because players prefer to get off their tits at kickoff or while on the paddock- doesn’t encourage a culture of using footy-free weekends to furnish your bugle.
The NRL is also proud of the education provided to players regarding the dangers of drug use.
However, the league acknowledges the need to review its current employment pathways program, as it seems everyone is too keen on a career in stockbroking and advertising.
While respecting the accused persons right to a fair trial, the league will continue to make enquiries in to what the f*ck they were thinking.
I mean, c’mon.. some were in Canberra. Just legally buy weed and some bungers, right?
The NRL will also continue enquiries with all relevant parties, mainly because these parties sound off the hizzay.
* – Message made with the approval of the NRL: The Nasal Rugby League