England are headed for two series losses, Jofra Archer is at risk of being bowled into the turf and Joe Root should consider giving up the captaincy. These are among the talking points for England in the wake of the Ashes.
Cricket Australia are currently a cricket administration group without a team.
This oddly leaves them employed, but not the team they seek to manage and oversee. There is a desperate need on their behalf to find various ways to allure players from the second all the way to the fiftieth tier into the fold so they can field a side.
The obvious and well-worn allure of the baggy green looms large, particularly for those that like a hat made of wool that provides no shade from the sun. What else have Cricket Australia got up their sleeves? Well, it just so happens I’ve made some stuff up.
Speed dealer sunglasses
Each player will be entitled to a range of speed dealer sun-glasses, painstakingly selected from only the best petrol stations around the country. The sunglasses provide almost no protection from UV light and may cause some form of blindness, but will bounce reassuringly when dropped on a solid surface.
All the zinc cream you can eat
Due to a typo from one of the good people in CA’s procurement department, they have had about 30 years worth of zinc stored in a garage in East Melbourne for the last two years.
Anyone willing to play for Australia would be welcome to take as much of this home to wear, or eat, should they choose to. Remember, zinc is naturally found in your bones so has to be good for you.
An afternoon tea with Merv Hughes
Each player lucky enough to be selected will go in the chance to win an afternoon tea with Merv Hughes at their own expense.
This lucky player will have the ability to re-live the highlights of Mervs career, as well as an overview of his tram journey to the café that afternoon. There is also the possibility of Merv giving a general grimace about the state of public transport these days.
Everyone picked to play for Australia will have the chance to be captain for at least one session of a Test each.
This policy will in no-way diminish the role of captain into the future and allow the player to have bragging rights at barbecues and social events, though obviously not at actual cricket events.
Role of chief negotiator
Given that no-one within the organisation seems to know how to negotiate with the players, anyone that has the ability to listen, consider and talk will be given a chance to get Steve Smith and Mitchell Starc back into the team.
Ability to listen, consider and talk are all optional.